


stardust and ashes

by SeeingGhosts



Category: Natasha Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 - Malloy, Voyná i mir | War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, F/M, Multi, Suicide Attempt, Trans Character, but i promise you'll get used to it, yes i changed all of the names
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2018-11-28 09:19:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 52,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11414889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeeingGhosts/pseuds/SeeingGhosts
Summary: natalie robin is about to finish her first semester of college, not-so-patiently waiting for the day that her boyfriend andrew will return from studying abroad in france. cierra beske is finishing her fifth semester, trying not to drown in depression with a "useless major" and a girlfriend she can't love. both of them are searching, but neither one can figure out quite what - until natalie gets swept off her feet by a new boy and starts to question everything she thought she knew and cierra starts to lose control.or a story about growing up, staring at stars, falling in love, and the first snow of winter.college au of natasha, pierre, and the great comet of 1812





	1. prologue

THE CHARACTERS

Natalie Robin - 18. Young. Would be optimistic if she wasn't terrified most of the time. Easy to fall in love with, but she doesn't seem to realize it, even though she and Andrew have been together for years.

Cierra Beske - 21. Confused. Having her midlife crisis during junior year of college. Whether the crisis has come early or it's actually the middle of her life, she doesn't care.

Sofia Robin - 18. Good. To most people, Natalie's cousin and roommate. To Natalie, one of the only people she can trust. Prefers to stay in the background but will always do what is right.

Adam Keenan - 20. Hot. So simple that he's incredibly complex. Or at least that's what he wants people to think when they're around him.

Elena Keenan - 20. A queen. Adam's twin sister. Whether beloved or hated, noticed by everybody. Smiles easily, except for when no one is looking.

Teddy Dolsen - 21. Fierce. Good at most sports, best at basketball. Somewhat of an enigma to most, especially as he rarely uses his first name.

Mira Dalal - 21. Old school. The RA for Natalie and Sofia, which immediately puts her in the position of "mom friend." Maybe overbearing, definitely loving.

Andrew Boles - 20. Isn't here. Currently studying abroad in France. Disillusioned with most things, but not with Natasha, who he is quite in love with.

Mary Boles - 19. Plain. Andrew's younger sister who spends all of her time either caring for their ailing father or staying up all night to study. Refuses to admit she's lonely.

Nicholas Boles - Crazy. Father of Andrew and Mary. Always sick and in pain and always irritable because of it.

Barker - Fun. Maintenance crew at the university known for befriending the students and doing favors for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen i know all the names are different but i hope they aren't too very different and hopefully this prologue will be helpful in deciphering everything if needed. most of the time the names are derived from the originals, sometimes even one of their actual names!! also this first chapter was inspired by the character lists at the beginning of many plays and librettos...i love how they set up not only the characters but the tone of what's to come.


	2. moscoe university

Natalie told everyone she fell in love the moment she stepped on the campus of Moscoe University. Everyone assumed they meant she had fallen in love with the school, with its fountains and bricks and ivy and trees. But Natalie knew they couldn't understand that she was in love with everyone and everything around her, and whatever she looked at in one second she loved for that one moment.

She spent her senior year aiming to live there for the next years, praying that everything she had done from freshman to junior year would be enough. She asked her boyfriend Andrew what it was like, what they were looking for. She contacted her old tutor Cierra, desperate for any kind of guidance in her journey.

And now she was going there as a (hopefully) bioengineering major, welcomed in with a merit scholarship. She wept when she found out about the acceptance. She screamed when she found out about the scholarship.

The one thing Natalie hoped for was the one thing she didn't know. She felt like now that she was growing up and going to college that there was something more that she didn't have yet. She didn't know what it was, but she wanted it. Natalie decided she would search for this mysterious "it" everywhere she could, and was certain "it" would come to her and she would be better for "it."

But, at least for her first semester at Moscoe University, she would let that fixation fall to the side. No, she had learning to do and people to meet and adulting to try and she wanted to live it all so well that she might not recognize her boring self from high school.

Before Natalie knew it, it was second quarter. Post-Thanksgiving. Just weeks away from exams, which was less than savory, but it was also a landmark. She knew she should be studying, but it was the weekend. She had living to do.

Playing with her own fingers, Natalie glanced over to her roommate, best friend, and cousin Sofia.

"Sofia!" Natalie cried.

"What?" Sofia replied with a combination of amusement, fear, and irritation (but mostly amusement, she knew deep within that whatever Natalie said would be of no harm).

"You're not dressed yet! We're going out to dinner and you're just wearing sweatpants, which is unacceptable. Mira will skin you alive."

"Oh, well, I value my life too much for that. I'll go figure something out now."

Natalie watched as Sofia and her plaited hair partially disappeared into the closet.

"Do you think I should wear a dress?"

"Yes, yes."

"Hm. I think I'll try..."

Sofia plucked out a dress with bright-colored flowers standing out like stars against a night-black background.

"Flowers, yes? Flowers, good!" Natalie said. "You always look so good whenever you wear flowers...I mean, you always look so good, but something about flowers just suits you so well."

Sofia didn't reply, only smiled and shook her head as she started the process of getting changed into her dress. She enjoyed the few moments of silence this gave her before Natalie piped back up again.

"Sofia, when did Mira say she was coming over to pick us up?" Natalie asked, positioning herself to hang backwards over her bed.

"I don't think she did say," Sofia replied with a laugh. "You know Mira. She just kind of...does as she pleases. And we'll always just kind of go along with it."

"Mm. Mm. But I want to know. I want to know if I can..."

"You can...what, write a song?" Sofia laughed. "I wouldn't be surprised if you were able to do it so quickly. You always seem to pause, run to the nearest sheet of paper, and suddenly have the next big hit on your hands."

"What can I say?" Natalie said. "It's a gift. But no, no, I just wanted to know...I have to have inspiration to write a song that quickly."

The two girls jumped slightly when hearing a knock at the door.

"Well, you'll need to find inspiration quickly and write quicker."

Natalie smiled widely, both from Sofia's joke and from the anticipation of getting to see their RA Mira. Surely enough, the moment she opened the door she found Mira with her dark curls and eyes filled with sparks standing there, waiting for them.

"Girls night, girls night!" Mira chanted. "It's winter now and we need something bright to keep us from dying from the grey."

"Dying?" Natalie echoed. "Oh, I've lived around here my whole life, the winter isn't that bad."

"Someone doesn't have Seasonal Affective Disorder," Mira responded.

"And you do?"

"Only if I let myself get stuck indoors doing nothing but sleeping and studying. But we're not going to do that - that's why we have girl's night!"

"Oh, of course," Natalie replied, releasing a laugh. Mira and Sofia couldn't help but mirror her boundless joy.

Mira, although she wasn't supposed to show favorites, clearly took a liking to these cousins. They didn't scream late at night or try to sneak around alcohol or drugs, and they liked talking to her. It was all any RA could ever hope for, and so Mira quickly took advantage of the idea of friendship (and mentorship) of Natalie and Sofia.

Natalie, however, was clearly her favorite. To Mira, Natalie simply had more vibrancy to her. Sofia seemed more hesitant to speak or spill her mind. Natalie didn't seem to have that filter, and when she spoke her mind she was enchanting. Mira saw her freshman self inside the always-smiling girl, and wanted to foster growth in that girl however possible.

Sofia was simply too quiet. She seemed caught within her own thoughts, usually only giving a small smile or sigh to reveal what she was feeling. Mira suspected that she was far more open when she was with people she was comfortable with, but as Mira had been doting on her and her cousin for weeks and Sofia was still quiet, Mira couldn't figure out how comfortable this girl needed to be.

Instead of trying to crack the steel egg, Mira would much rather shower affections on Natalie.

"Now come on," she said. "We can't have a girls' night if we waste all of our time here in the dorms."

Mira led the way with the sound of her heels clicking against the ground, making Natalie and Sofia subconsciously fall in step with her rhythm. She led them straight to her car, Natalie sitting shotgun, and quickly made her escape from the campus of Moscoe University.

"Where are we going?" Sofia asked after a few minutes in the car, knowing that Natalie would be so excited by any answer that she would never ask the question.

"You know the restaurant. The tapas place. It's excellent, and the bright colors...I don't know, I think sriracha will be a welcome addition to our lives this winter."

Natalie cooed in excitement at this revelation, just as Sofia predicted. She kept her gaze out of the window, however - she seemed entranced by everything that passed by, even though nothing was of much interest. Trees, trees, buildings, trees. But she looked so intently that it seemed like she saw the slightly blurred world as a painting hanging in a museum.

"I love tapas," she said absentmindedly. "It's always so good, and so bright. Just like you said."

A few minutes later, the three smiling girls sat down at a rectangular table meant for four. Natalie sat on her own side, with Mira filing across from her and Sofia facing an invisible partner. Ordering drinks and their first round of food came secondary to why they were really out together - to talk.

While Mira was chattering on about the tragedy that coffee makers weren't allowed in the dorms, Natalie took a few moments to look down at her phone. She scrolled a bit, tapped a few places, and frowned. Somehow her joy had already gotten sick, infected by something that was now stuck in her mind.

"Natalie, have you heard anything from Andrew?" Sofia said, correctly guessing the root of her cousin's problems.

"A little," she replied. "I mean, we text from time to time, but there's only so much you can say. And the time difference is just enough that we can never Skype or Facetime or whatever."

"That's a shame," Mira said, shaking her head. "Clearly, long-distance relationships are not easy."

"Well, I made it through the first quarter without him, and he should be coming back at the end of this semester, and that's not too far away now..."

"No, no, not far away at all. Just weeks away. And as long as you stay strong you'll be back in his arms before you know it."

"Did he send you anything now?" Sofia asked.

"No. It's pretty late at night over there. In France. And all I have left to look at is our last conversation from yesterday...oh, it wasn't good."

"What is it?" Mira and Sofia said, nearly at the same thing.

"Well, I think his family hates me," Natalie said, placing a dainty smile on her lips even though speaking such words out loud broke her heart. "I've never met them before, but-"

"No. No, no, no."

Sofia couldn't help but let a smile graze her lips as she saw Mira's face filled with determination and Natalie's face filled with a strange sort of surprise.

"What?"

"No! No, they won't hate you. They can't, not when you've never met them. You need to go meet them immediately. Like...in this next week. In a few days."

"But Andrew and I were planning to do that together-"

"-and Andrew isn't here right now, but you still need to do something about this! I won't have you fretting about it."

"Mira, you know all I do is fret."

"Not if I have anything to about it," Mira replied. "I'm going to pester you about it every day until you listen to me and take my advice. Trust me. I might be single right now, but I have experience. I know what I'm talking about."

"I'm sure you do," Natalie said. She nodded and tried her best to be enthusiastic, but the excitement that had infected her every move before had faded away with this side of the conversation. Mira took this as a cue to change the subject. Immediately.

"How about you, Sofia? Is there anything flaming up in your love life?"

"I'm not sure there's even a spark," Sofia replied, her gaze dropping. "I mean...I'm not looking too hard, I don't go out much, but even when I do...well..."

Natalie, taking on her friend's discomfort with the topic, shifted in her seat.

"There just aren't a lot of girls out there looking, and I don't really make myself known. Which is my fault, but...it doesn't matter."

Mira's mouth formed an "ah" but she didn't make a sound. She regretting bringing up the topic and wondered how she hadn't thought it might be an issue before. Sofia was, clearly, perpetually lonely when it came to her love life. She had her cousin as a friend and seemed to be happy enough, but when it came to romance she had nothing.

"Well, you're a pretty girl, and you dress nicely. I'm sure if you make yourself known everyone will come flooding in."

Sofia nodded to be polite, but everyone at the table could tell she disagreed and didn't want to carry on any more about the subject.

Their girls' night quickly devolved to random chatter over plate after plate of tapas, no one quite willing to bring up anything that could bring anyone any kind of discomfort. It was nice to know that everything would be easy, but all three regretted that they would be able to dig any deeper and connect on that level. It wasn't until they were waiting for the bill that anything of real interest came up.

"I feel like I'm running out of time," Natalie murmured after taking a sip of Sprite, speaking half to herself.

"Running out of time for what?" Mira asked.

"I don't know," Natalie replied, heaving her shoulders into a shrug. "I think that now that the semester is coming to an end that I should be doing something to, you know, close it all out, but just in general it feels like I need to do something and soon."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired, inspired, inspired by the state universities that everyone i know except me is going to, by tolstoy's descriptions of natasha and her love, by the tapas place that is in the city of my beloved university. and also the perpetual feeling of running out of time, which is beyond familiar to me. welcome to moscoe university and the weird modernized names.


	3. cierra

It was raining.

Good. Cierra liked the rain. It gave her a strange sort of energy.

No, it wasn't raining. The sun was out. She was just hearing the sound of the shower, which meant Elena was in the apartment. Bad.

Cierra tried to wipe the sleep from her eyes as she pulled herself from bed. It barely worked, so she put on her glasses and tried to see the world more clearly. That worked better, but there was a certain amount of fuzz that remained around her vision.

Every step dragged. It seemed like she couldn't let her feet raise from the ground, like there was something sticking her on the floor. She barely even knew where she was going.

Breakfast, right? That was what she was supposed to do. Breakfast, the most important meal of the day. Breakfast, the one easiest to pass by. Breakfast. Right. She probably had some sort of bar or yogurt or something somewhere. Cierra would drag it out with a signature sigh and promptly forget she had consumed anything at all.

For a moment, she considered coffee and caffeine. They promised the possibility of energy and clarity, if only for a few hours. But, more likely, they would lead to jitters and something that felt more like a breakdown than an energy boost. No, no coffee. It was a drug and it would just make her crazy in all of the worst ways.

She pulled out her phone, aimlessly scrolling with nothing to look for, nothing to care about. But somewhere within, she was looking for something. Some sort of excitement, stimulation. She didn't know what it could be, so she kept scrolling.

Elena passed behind her, shower completed, and didn't say a word. Knowing that she was present made Cierra feel nothing short of uncomfortable. Yes, they were technically dating and technically in a relationship, but having her around simply put Cierra on edge.

She could never quite figured out what went wrong. The first time she had realized that Elena was off with someone else, she had been so desperate for answers. Maybe it was because she was fat and not very attractive, certainly not a match for the stunning Elena Keenan. Maybe it was because she often wasn't interested in social settings unless there was alcohol involved. Maybe it was because Elena had lied about having interest in women. Maybe, and this terrified her most, it was because Cierra was trans.

But none of those worries turned out to be true. The only truth Cierra could find was that she and Elena simply were not meant to be together. The fact that Elena didn't spend most days or nights at the apartment was enough to let Cierra know there was no point in trying to salvage the relationship.

Deep within, where Cierra always felt pangs, she made it out to be a tragedy. Elena was supposed to be the perfect girlfriend. She was so beautiful and endlessly popular, exuding magnetic energy simply by existing and smiling. To think that she would choose Cierra, who couldn't understand why anyone would find interest in her, seemed a miracle. Which was why it couldn't be true.

Combining that disaster of a relationship with the thought that her future was only becoming more uncertain with a degree - Philosophy and English, often laughed at - made Cierra suffer. She was so alone. She was in so much pain, so much pain that she could never verbalize.

And so she tried to distract herself. She tried to read, and she mainly tried to read for her classes so that she wouldn't drift too far behind if clouds overtook her for a day.

That was what she was planning for this morning. She would go read in the library, where Elena would never be. (Cierra still hadn't figured out if that was because Elena didn't study and didn't need to because her brilliance was so superior, or if Elena chose brighter places to study. She couldn't blame her, either way).

Sitting down in her normal chair at her normal table, Cierra couldn't help but think about how grey the library really was. It didn't matter. She would be looking at black and white text anyway.

A ray of light entered Cierra's part of the library, a patch of nearly clear skies with a cloud of hair named Natalie Robin. For a moment, Cierra hesitated and dropped her gaze back down to her book. Maybe Natalie wouldn't see her. Or worse, Natalie would see her and not care. So she wouldn't say a word.

But Natalie, it seemed, would.

"Cierra!" she squealed as loud as possible in a library, rushing over. "I was going to ask what you're doing here but I think it's probably pretty obvious...so how are you?"

"I'm doing fine." A lie. But there was no real problem that she could discuss, especially not with sunny Natalie.

"Oh, I'm glad. I feel like I haven't seen you in so long, which is such a shame because I was looking forward to seeing you more now that we both go to the same school again."

"Well, I...I don't see what would be so special about seeing me."

Natalie's lips drooped.

"Don't say that."

"I mean, all I'm doing is...this."

Natalie shook her head, dismissing this immediately as she had something to say.

"Do you remember when you were tutoring me, and I was getting really frustrated on some math problem, and you wanted to make me feel better so you told me, 'The reason why I tutor you is not because I'm smarter than you, but because I'm older than you'?" Natalie said, leaning across the table until she could rest her chin on her hands.

"Yes, I do," Cierra replied with a faint smile at Natalie's posture.

"Well, I know it was supposed to make me feel better, but it kind of broke my heart because it meant that you didn't think you were smart. And you probably still don't."

Cierra searched her mind for a response, unsure of how to reply as Natalie broke off her words. But, sure enough, Natalie came sailing back in.

"I don't agree with that at all. No. I think you're the most brilliant person I ever met, the most brilliant person I know. I mean. Just look at what you're doing now."

She reached over to the book laying open in front of Cierra.

"The Myth of Sisyphus," she read. "Ancient Greek?"

"Well, sort of. Albert Camus, the absurd hero."

"So French as well, but that doesn't mean I know what that means."

"Let me see if I can explain it without boring you."

"You could never bore me," Natalie responded, backing up her statement with a slight laugh. Cierra studied her for a moment, wanting fully to believe that she was genuine in her interest but also completely unsure as to why. She couldn't find any reason why Natalie, the always sweet Natalie, would lie.

It was decided, then. Cierra would teach.

"Do you know the movie  _Groundhog Day_? Bill Murray?"

"Mm-hm."

"Well, the whole thing about the absurd hero is that he keeps on doing the same thing over and over again, a lot like in  _Groundhog Day_. And that can lead to despair and wanting to give up, which you also see in the movie. But the hero doesn't give up - instead, the hero ends up finding joy and purpose in that endless repetition, which-"

"-is exactly like the last part of the movie," Natalie said. "Oh, that's magical."

Cierra noticed how wide Natalie kept her eyes, as if she was afraid to miss anything around her, as if squinting was the worst thing in the world. Looking at those wide-open eyes, Cierra grew confused.

Internally, she shook herself out of her haze. She was supposed to be teaching Natalie, give her something to keep those wide-open eyes gleaming.

"But, essentially, Camus says that the primary question of philosophy is whether or not to commit suicide. That's what he explores in 'The Myth of Sisyphus.'"

This seemed to catch Natalie off guard for a moment. She took a few seconds to herself to process this, and then parted her lips to speak.

"And?"

"And what?"

"And what does he say is the answer? If the question is suicide, then what's the answer?"

Cierra stared straight into Natalie's eyes, which didn't blink or shift as she awaited her answer. She didn't seem to suspect anything. For a moment, Cierra felt that there was some cords connecting them, each of them content with silence and staring and waiting.

Shutting the book, she replied, "Well, you'll just have to read it yourself."

Natalie drew herself back in her seat, her gaze immediately dropping and the connection between her and Cierra vanishing. Cierra felt a wash of self-loathing for this - she could've sustained an honest and open conversation with Natalie, talked like she hadn't for ages and connected with this girl she had been friends with for years, but instead she broke it off. In attempt to salvage some part of their conversation, she began the dreaded small talk.

"How are your classes going?"

"Oh," Natalie replied, blinking rapidly as if this question had completely caught her off-guard. "Oh, they're going just fine as far as I can see, and it's very nice to actually get to choose what I want to learn about rather than being forced into it, except for gen eds, but even those are better than high school classes."

"I'm glad they're going well," Cierra said, choosing one part of Natalie's answer to respond to. "I'm not surprised - you blew everyone away those last two years of high school."

"Oh, did I?" Natalie said.

"Well, I mean...you've got a merit scholarship, right? And you're here for engineering."

This seemed to perk her up.

"Yes," Natalie confirmed. "Bioengineering."

"Exactly. You just kept accomplishing in high school and now you made it here to Moscoe to blow everyone away, including me, your old tutor. You're becoming the next big thing."

"Oh, I guess so," Natalie replied. She was trying to appear demure, but it was clear she was glowing from the praise. "But I'm also very very proud of my...oh, this sounds stupid, but...my YouTube channel? Starduster? I play ukulele and sing and sometimes even post my own songs, so that'll be fun with a music minor, and sometimes Sofia sings with me and it's been doing very well and I wrote my college essay on it and I think that's why I'm here now."

"I've seen it," Cierra said. "The channel, that is, not the essay. And you're a wonderful musician, absolutely wonderful."

"Oh, thank you!" Natalie cooed. "I just worry that I'm not going to be able to post as much now that I'm in college."

"I'm sure you'll find the time. Most of the challenge of college is time management...but I'm sure you've heard that before."

"I'll be sure to work on it," Natalie said, nodding.

Terrified that she had accidentally led this conversation to an awkward close, Cierra searched for a new topic to keep everything lucid and rolling.

"How are, uh, you and Andrew?"

Something vaguely pained flashed across Natalie's face.

"We're fine, we're good, I just haven't heard from him much ever since he went to go study in France. I miss him so much, I don't know what I...have you heard anything from him."

"No, not really."

"Oh, but you're his best friend!"

"And you're his girlfriend."

"I'm going to go have dinner with his family later today," Natalie said. "I want to think that they'll like me because everyone has always liked me, but I don't know, I can't know what they're going to think."

"Well, I think they'll like you."

"Thank you. And how are you doing, you and your girlfriend? Elena?"

Cierra tried not to wince and said, "We're going. We've got kind of an open relationship, so..."

Natalie simply nodded. She didn't know what that meant, which Cierra quickly realized, and then didn't want to explain. For a moment, the two of them were lost in another silence.

"I need to go print a few things...and then I have to go to class," Natalie finally said, giving a soft smile as if it was a consolation prize. She raised her hand and murmured out a "bye," before gathering her things and walking away.

Whatever flame that was sustaining Cierra's smiles and small talk was extinguished now that Natalie was gone.

With a sigh, she carried on with her studying. It seemed like what she studied was vibrant only when she was explaining it to her protégée. And now Natalie was gone. She was alone, with no reason to smile, and no reason to care.

She tried, as successfully as she could manage, to finish reading and jotting down notes. After about fifteen minutes, she decided it was time to cut it off. Cierra didn't want to do any of this work other than that she wanted to pass her classes to have something to go for her major that would one day let her get a living. Or maybe not. Philosophy and English were useless, apparently.

So. What then?

She would go back to her dorm room and she would drink. There was nothing else that interested her, and frankly it wasn't so much the activity that she found interesting as much as the ability to forget that nothing interested her for as long as the alcohol lasted.

And then, maybe she would sleep. If she could fall asleep. Just so she could wake up again and rub sleep from her eyes and sigh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> posting this in the midst of all of the horrible, horrible comet news. to keep things short, i'm devastated. but nothing, nothing can extinguish my love for this show. i hope that this fic, this little college au, can bring joy long into the future no matter what happens to our beloved show.  
> now...inspiration time. inspired partially by "your day" from preludes, another incredible malloy musical that you should listen to. the whole groundhog day/albert camus thing is inspired by a unit i did in ap english. the one bit of philosophy i know.


	4. the private and intimate life of the boles house

Natalie felt her heart pounding and fluttering as she stood outside of the door. Her fingers tapped the side of her skirt, one of the nicest things she had brought with her to Moscoe University. She needed to make her best impression because she wanted to make sure they loved her, and she wasn't entirely sure how to make that happen.

For her, it would be enough to know that they were Andrew's family. She loved Andrew, and she found it so easy to love, so there was no reason in her mind for her not to love his sister and father. And maybe, just maybe, they would feel the same way about her in return. At least, that was what she was hoping would happen.

Everyone told her this was the best idea, that she would be fine and it would only lead to good. Even Andrew had finally sent her a text back and told her that he was glad she would meet his family, even if he couldn't be there. It was beyond time.

He also gave her warnings, though. My sister's shy. My father can be coarse.

Natalie replied that she didn't mind and wouldn't mind, but doubt clung to every inch of her thoughts. Reading Andrew's words of comfort simply wouldn't do as much as hearing them fall from his lips, and even if she saw his face again online it wouldn't carry the same way as his presence.

The moment she thought about this, a heavy ache set in her heart. She didn't want to do this alone. She wanted Andrew there, for guidance and for care, to help her figure out what she was doing. He was always so good at that, acting as a support. Natalie had hoped he would've been there to show her around Moscoe University, but unfortunately that wasn't so.

But she could let that distract her any longer. She needed to ring the doorbell and get on with her life, even if she was weighed down by what wasn't there.

The pleasant chime of the doorbell was enough to bring a polite smile to Natalie's face, just in time for the door to open and Andrew's sister to appear in the doorway.

"Natalie," Mary said, a meek smile turning up her lips. "Thank you so much for coming. I do have to say...I do have to say that unfortunately my father isn't doing well at the moment. He has to...has to lay down, and he can't join us for dinner."

Mary looked enough like her brother, less severe, more soft, with her hair plaited to one side. She was not the sort of person people would stare at, unless they were close enough to see her eyes and her eyes weren't fixed to the ground. Her glimmering brown eyes were her one truly good feature, Natalie thought, and they reminded her vaguely of Andrew's.

Natalie told herself to focus on that, focus on what she knew and what was familiar and good. Then, maybe, she might be able to get over her worries and not scream at the dinner table.

"That's a shame," Natalie said. "I was looking forward to meeting him. But I understand. And it will be good for the two of us to..."

"Yes," Mary said, speaking too quickly and nodding her head far too much. "Now...now you should come in. Come in, Natalie."

Mary's movements were stilted, as if her mind had to recalculate what was the right thing to do each time. She led Natalie into the dining room, a mesh of terracotta colored walls and white details. It was meant to be inviting, and Natalie knew this, but she immediately felt that something was entirely off. Dinner - a simple pasta dish, fair enough - was already on the table.

And so it would begin.

"You go to Moscoe too, don't you?" Natalie asked, attempting to spark a conversation.

"Yes. I'm a freshman, like you."

"Oh. Oh, I haven't really...really seen you around much. Moscoe is a pretty big college, but I would think that maybe..."

"I don't spend much time there. I...I spend most of my time here, caring for my father, studying...it's what I'm best at."

Mary was blushing. Natalie could not figure out why that would make her blush.

"I get that," Natalie replied.

Mary nodded. She then glanced down at her food, which seemed suddenly unappetizing. But all she could was eat, because she couldn't figure out what to say next.

Neither did Natalie, so it seemed. She simply didn't know what to say. She had thought that maybe conversation would flow between her and Mary because Mary was Andrew's sister. With Andrew, things did flow. New ideas and topics floated up easily, and they could talk and talk and talk as long as they wanted. She hadn't planned anything to say to Mary because she thought their conversations would be natural, and they weren't.

She tried, in spite of this barrier. The usual topics floated up and then sank back down, neither one able to sustain the conversation for more than a handful of sentences.

"What do you think you're going to major in?"

"Religious Studies. And you?"

"Bioengineering. And I think...no, I'm sure I'm going to minor in Music."

Mary, who had always been taught not to speak her mind or she might be punished for it, didn't know how to talk now that she got the opportunity to do so freely. She was used to her father, who she was devoted to in spite of everything. She was used to acquiescing to his opinion and his tempers. She was used to doing whatever he needed and whatever he wanted, because she would never cause him pain.

It had left her lonely and quiet. Mary didn't think she could put herself out there partially because she kept herself away for so long and partially because she didn't know how. She knew Natalie was kind and good, she had never heard the end of it from her brother, and she could tell that Natalie was trying. But she felt strongly that she was missing something that she needed to carry on a conversation, and so she could barely speak up.

With so little coming from Mary, Natalie felt that she couldn't speak or move or do anything. The longer that the silence continued, making the moments more and more awkward, the more she felt powerless to change it. Every moment seemed to confirm her fears from before. She couldn't talk to Mary and she couldn't get to know Mary and the way her heart was beating wildly out of control for no particular reason made her sour.

Yes, this was certainly dislike. Maybe hatred. Natalie didn't know precisely what word to use, but she knew it had to be something on that spectrum. She couldn't find any other rationale for why she was reacting so strongly to meeting Andrew's sister.

Mary was so quiet, so nervous, so stiff. With no other energy to feed off of, Natalie felt herself quiet and stiff all the same, and it made her boil inside. To make matters worse, it seemed to her that Mary felt the exact same way in return. Mary disliked Natalie just as much as Natalie disliked Mary.

But just as Natalie thought the silence might smother her, there was the thump of heavy footsteps stumbling into the dining room.

It was Mr. Boles, dressed only in his underthings.

He was covered enough, yes, but not wearing clothes like he should if he was going to join a dinner with his son's girlfriend. It became very obvious to Natalie and Mary that he was not going to join a dinner with his son's girlfriend. Natalie, not quite knowing why, was overcome by a feeling of shame and embarrassment, a feeling that only intensified as she felt his eyes falling on her.

"So this is the Natalie Andrew is so obsessed with? Hm...hm..." he grumbled, as if Natalie couldn't hear, as if Natalie wasn't even there.

"Nothing special, nothing special. No, maybe even less than that. Well, I suppose she's-"

"Dad," Mary quietly said, not quite sure if her dad meant to say these cruel things to her or if he was just muttering to himself. But he didn't stop, and Natalie stared ahead at nothing, trying not to notice.

"And that hair. No, no, no. Well, at least I see why he never brought her before..."

"Dad," Mary said, as sharply as she could manage with her rounded manners. She didn't engage him with her eyes, because she could hardly let herself believe that he was being so cruel, especially to a guest.

"What? What is it, Mary?" he said, the hint of a sneer in his voice. At the very least, this felt lucid. It felt like he knew where he was and what he was saying.

"I think...I think you should go lay back down again, Dad," she said, much softer. "I don't think your health is up to having guests."

Instead of waiting for him to put up some sort of resistance, she got up and escorting him away from the situation.

Natalie sat alone and in silence. She didn't even think to pick up her phone or do anything but sit there and breathe. Something horrible had just happened, she was sure of it. She just couldn't fully comprehend what, especially not when she was suppressed by the terracotta walls and pasta on the table.

She heard the footsteps of Mary coming back to continue their dinner, and they seemed to synchronize with the flurried beating of her heart. But above all else, they reminded her that she didn't want to be there. She didn't want to see Mary or her father. She had to start the process of leaving right that instant.

Natalie jumped up from her chair, gathering what few things she had brought with her. Right as she slung her bag around her shoulder, Mary walked back into the room.

"Oh, Natalie - do you have to leave?"

"I...I think I do," Natalie said, swallowing back her feelings for the moment. "I have...I have something else coming up."

"Oh. Oh, okay. Well...it was nice meeting you, and I hope that we can meet again."

Natalie nodded, unwilling to raise her eyes enough to meet Mary's bewildered gaze. She wondered if it could  _really_  be so easy for her to leave. After so much struggling to get through the minutes with Mary and then Mr. Boles, it seemed wrong to think she could just walk out. Involuntarily, she paused.

And Mary noticed, immediately realized she had made a horrible mistake even though nothing that had happened was her fault, really.

"Wait. No, no, no. No, this wasn't how this was supposed to go, Natalie, no, I'm so sorry."

"I..." Natalie tried to gather some kind of response, but came up short. She felt sick to her stomach and she couldn't quite place why. All she knew was that she desperately wanted to leave, and she would find a way out no matter what.

"I want you to know that...you've made Andrew so happy. Happier than I've ever seen him, and I don't know why we haven't met sooner because I've always been so grateful for what you've done for him."

Natalie again searched for words and only came up with one simple response.

"Okay."

She didn't want to believe what Mary was saying because it didn't align with the way she thought of Mary. How could Mary care so much? How could she be so grateful when she had been so meek and dry during their dinner? No, no, it simply did not make any sense.

Even though she felt like screaming out and crying inside, Natalie remained stoic to the rest of the world. She felt so cold and callous, but it couldn't be helped. If she revealed any of the weakness that was filling her veins, then she was certain the Boles would find a way to exploit it. Somehow.

She would leave. She wouldn't give Mary, or Mr. Boles if he happened to come back, any chance to hurt or humiliate her anymore. She would have the last word.

"Goodybe, Mary. Tell your father I said bye, too. I'll see you, some other time."

Some other time. Some other time, when Andrew was home and things made sense again. That time seemed so far away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if this chapter is inspired by anything it's just awkward conversations. i mean. we all know them. and sometimes even with people you know already it's hard to keep a conversation going. anyway, thank you so much for reading!!


	5. in the moonlight

The drive back to Moscoe and her dorm was awful because all Natalie could do was think.

She couldn't entirely place why she was choking back tears. She thought to herself that her experience with the Boles family had been awful, terrible. But when she tried to think about specifics, as horrible as they were, her mind immediately frayed and gave way to a new wave of tears.

And it wasn't just them. She hadn't been able to speak, and there was no excuse for how cold she had been to Mary on the way out. Knowing that she had been unkind just ground salt into the wounds.

She had been so bad. They had been so bad to her, and she had been so bad to them. It was just bad upon bad upon bad.

Natalie unlocked her door with shaking hands, and the moment she was safely inside with the door shut, she launched herself onto the bed and let the hysterical sobs she had been holding back for ages explode. Sofia, who had just looked up from her classic novel and was about to ask how the dinner had been, instead walked over and placed a hand on Natalie's heaving shoulder.

Sofia didn't say a word until the first round of sobs was over, knowing that Natalie's hyperactive emotions wouldn't allow her to speak until she could let that initial wave of feelings out. It didn't take long until Natalie's sobs faded into a far more manageable steady stream of tears, and she turned around so that her puffy face was visible to her cousin.

"Natalie...Natalie, what happened?"

"I barely even know," Natalie sniffled. "I don't know, it was just so awful...I'm sure they hated me. Both his father and his sister, Mary...she tried to be nice and he didn't but I could tell...I can always tell!"

"What did they do?" Sofia asked, overcome by a wave of curiosity. "What did they do you to you that was so bad?"

"I don't know. Mary barely...Mary barely talked, and he...Mr. Boles...he talked too much and he was only there for a minute!"

As usual when she was overcome by emotion (and often even when she was not), Natalie's story was far from coherent. She was notorious for struggling to find the right words to say whatever happened, and it was clear that it only made complete sense in her mind. If Sofia really wanted to know what had happened, she would have to wait. But she let that be a sign that what she really needed to do was comfort her friend.

"Do you need anything?" Sofia asked.

"I want to be left alone," Natalie whimpered.

Sofia hesitated for a moment. Her initial thought was that she would not let her friend go in a time of need, but she also refused to do anything that would make her feel any worse.

"Are you sure? I can't do anything for you?"

"No, I want to be left alone," Natalie repeated.

"Okay," Sofia said, giving a gentle nod. "Okay, I'll leave you alone. I think I'll head off and get some sort of treat? I want to say ice cream, but it is cold out..."

"Ice cream is fine," Natalie squeaked. Her confirmation was so innocent and pure that Sofia couldn't help but smile.

"Okay then. I'll get us some ice cream, and you can eat your feelings. I'll see you soon. Text me when you're ready for me to come back."

With that, Sofia picked up her back and her keys. She took one last glance at Natalie before leaving the dorm, letting her lips fall into a soft smile before she walked out. She hoped that maybe that smile might bring some levity into the most buoyant person she knew.

Natalie sighed once Sofia was gone. In spite of her desire to be alone, now that Sofia was gone she had no one to vent to and no one to distract her thoughts. She sat there like a child stuck in time out, pushing out a sigh and trying to figure out what to do with herself.

Every time she thought that maybe she would be okay and the tears would cease and she could rest, the tears rose back up again. It was awful. It was like she was cursed. Like the Boles had cursed her with their presence and their strange and awful treatment of her. And now she was stuck alone in her dorm room with nothing but tears and thoughts.

What made her feel better? There had to be something. Well, Andrew normally made her feel better. But Andrew wasn't there.

Then something to do with Andrew, there had to be something like that. She picked up her phone and started scrolling through her texts with him in vain. It was all old, all felt fake and distant and wrong now that she was looking at them and they were somewhere in the past where she could not reach.

Wait. The playlist.

Almost laughing with delight, Natalie remembered the playlist she and Andrew had made together, each recommending one song after the other, creating something that was entirely theirs. Some couples had their one song, but Natalie and Andrew decided to have their entire playlist.

She leaped from her bed in order to grab her earbuds from the desk, jamming them into the phone and rushing to start the playlist. With the first chords of some acoustic love song serenading her ears, she returned to her bed and laid down. She tried not to pay too much attention to the rise and fall of her own breath as she began to listen. She tried to drown herself in the sounds, as if she might be able to fall into it so completely that it would feel like he was there with her somehow.

She let the first song drift through her. Nothing stuck. Natalie believed so fully in the power of music that she thought it deserved to be consumed entirely. If she was listening to a song she loved and she felt herself not paying complete attention, then she would play it over again until she immersed herself in it.

So she played that first song again. And she thought to herself that she hadn't paid enough attention and she hadn't felt it the way she needed to so she played it again. And once more.

Damn. Damn! It wasn't working. It wasn't working at all, she thought, and that frustration brought tears leaping back into her eyes.

Now she felt as lost as ever, alone and afraid and utterly exhausted by the feeling of crying so much. She knew that she couldn't let herself drown like this, not when all she wanted to do was feel love and connection and the joy that everyone knew her for. What could she do now?

Her ukulele. Her beloved ukulele, yes. She had several at home but she had only brought one to college due to prodding from her parents. They had advised her not to bring her best one, so she hadn't - she had brought her favorite, even though they had protested against that too. They told her she would lose it or someone would steal it, but she couldn't bear to part from it.

She once again scrambled from her bed, this time aiming for the black fabric case that housed her favorite ukulele. She unzipped it as quickly as possible, taking out the one thing she was sure would bring her joy. But before she could start strumming, maybe random chords or maybe one of her favorite songs, a new idea flipped into her head.

Why take someone else's words and notes when she could have her own? She wanted to think about Andrew, and about all of the memories that they could share together, so she could translate those into four strings and soft melodies. She glanced out the window, wondering where to start.

There was a full moon, gleaming in the starkness of a winter sky. Just like first night that Natalie and Andrew had confessed their love for one another. She loved the night sky so completely, and connecting it with her love from Andrew...well, she loved the moon. That much was certain.

Write a love song about the moon. Like the world didn't already have a thousand love songs centered around the moon. But the world didn't have Natalie's love song about the moon played on ukulele and sung in an empty dorm room. She would write it, she would sing it, she would share it with everyone.

The process seemed so fast now that she was flowing in it. Everything else seemed to fade away, leaving behind Natalie and her mind and her melodies. She was scribbling down lyrics, strumming chords, humming to herself with no worry about the rest of the world. It came so naturally and freely that the formerly terrible night seemed to pass before she blinked.

It wasn't until she found herself setting up her camera and sitting at her desk that the truth of the time she spent came to her. The song had come together remarkably quickly, and already it was at a point where she felt comfortable putting it online to share with everyone. But, of course, there was one person who was meant for, and no one else mattered.

The filming went by quickly, starting with an apology for recording in a dorm room and ending with a gentle arpeggio. Quicker still was the editing process (she had filmed it in one take, fortunately), and then all that was left was to upload it to Starduster. That was the one thing she had no control over, and the one thing that would take time.

Natalie waited. Patiently, or at least as patiently as she could manage, she swiveled in her seat and played random chords on her ukulele and wondered what she should do next. She kept glancing and glancing until finally she saw a link appear. Yes, the video was processing, finally. Not quite ready but it didn't matter. She copied down the link and immediately sent it to Andrew, and then formed an explanation and a confession in the next text.

**hey!!! hey, i don't know where you are or what you're doing right now (i mean how could i) but i wrote this song and i thought you might want to hear it. it's about the moon, but it's also about you. i'm really proud of it even though i just threw it together in a few minutes. i love you and i can't wait to hear from you!!!**

Natalie felt like she was glowing. The dinner at the Boles house felt like another day, another life. Now she was nothing but joy, a creative, bursting with love for her art and for Andrew. The video had processed, good. It was all ready. She felt certain that Andrew would respond quickly, within five minutes, enough time for him to watch the video and then think about it and then respond.

Five minutes passed and the dorm room was silent.

With a quiet feeling, Natalie realized that it was the middle of the night in France and unless Andrew was having a bout of insomnia there was no way that he would be awake to see her text. That thought, always subconscious, had prevented her from texting him most days and most times.

Sofia wasn't back yet. She would send her a text and say it was okay for her to come back, but Natalie felt certain that her day was over now and she would go to sleep. The video was uploaded, with a new song and a feeling of hope, and there was nothing more she could do. Ice cream wasn't anything that could make a difference.

Still in her nice skirt from that night's all-but-forgotten dinner, Natalie laid back down on her bed and hoped that she would drift off to sleep quickly before any distress came back to haunt her.

"Dream of me," she thought. "I know you won't see anything I sent you but I can hope you will dream, and I can hope that those dreams will have me and we can be together even when we're so very very apart."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sad to say this is the first chapter post-announcement of comet closing. i have so many thoughts and feelings, but right now i'm focusing on love, love that pushed me to write this fic, for instance. rest assured that this fic will continue to be updated into the future, to the very end!!
> 
> this chapter is inspired by own experiences with a song about the moon and how it connected me with someone i care for who was far away from me. also inspired by my time playing ukulele this summer. and, directly lifted from me, natalie's belief that music should be paid full attention to at certain times, starting the song over if that wasn't accomplished...very much me.


	6. the concert

When Natalie woke up on Saturday morning, all of the problems and worries she had peacefully pushed away came back and attacked. Her exhaustion the last night had been a blissful distraction, and she had been able to fall completely into her music. That was no longer the case. With the sun back in the sky, her worries about the Boles were all too illuminated.

Worst of all, Andrew hadn't responded. It didn't seem like he had even seen the texts, hadn't watched the video. Surely he was busy or sleeping or something, but she didn't want to think about that. She needed him, however she could get him, and he wasn't responding at all.

Distraught, Natalie decided that the best way for her to confront her feelings was to eat some of the ice cream Sofia had purchased last night for breakfast. Sofia, up bright and early as usual, noted this immediately.

"Natalie, wasn't Mira telling us about a concert tonight on campus?"

"I don't know. I don't remember."

"I think she was. And I think we should go."

"I guess so," Natalie sighed. It seemed silly. Going to a concert wouldn't erase all of the suffering she felt. It wouldn't hurt, she figured, but Natalie couldn't see how it would hurt.

But as the day progressed, Natalie warmed up to the idea more and more. Once she was wrapped up in the frenzy of dolling herself up and getting ready, it seemed like she had forgotten all of her problems once again.

Sofia's process of getting ready was deliberate and steady, while Natalie ended up spiraling around the room as if to show the way her thoughts were flying. Finally she was able to stop the movement, landing right in front of the mirror.

Somehow, even though she saw herself every day, she found herself utterly surprised by what she saw. Yes, there was no reason for her to be so surprised and yet she was, and it was marvelous.

"Do I look...do I look good?" Natalie murmured. She had nearly figured out the answer for herself, but she still wanted someone else to tell her.

"Yes, Natalie, you look amazing," Sofia said, pausing in her process of putting on a coat of mascara. Natalie barely seemed to notice these words of confirmation, as she continued swishing the skirt of her dress around and stared in the mirror.

"I look so old," Natalie said, scrunching up her nose. "I look...I don't know, I look like I'm actually a college student."

"You  _are_  a college student. And you have been a college student for months now. Almost a whole semester."

"Mm."

But Natalie couldn't stop staring at herself in the mirror. She wasn't trying to be vain or self-possessed, she just couldn't stop. It seemed like something had changed on her exterior, something that she hadn't noticed until she got the opportunity to look at it. She couldn't place it. She didn't know if it was the coil of her hair, the cut of her cheekbones, the batting of her eyelashes...but something was different. And it was good.

She didn't just look good or old. She felt it. And because part of her felt like it was still a girl and young this combined to create something strange.

Was this it? Was this feeling of change what she had been looking for when she first came to Moscoe? No, she decided. But it was a step. She was growing up, and becoming beautiful, and changing in ways she couldn't explain. For certain, there had been a series of imperceptible shifts that led her to this moment where she looked and felt so different.

Natalie would be content to look in the mirror and stare, lost within the blurred impressions of her own thoughts for the rest of time. But the world wouldn't let her stay like that, of course not.

A loud knocking at the door - only Mira would dare - ripped her out of her reverie. With an amused role of her eyes, Natalie opened the door to find Mira leaning there.

"Girls! What's taking the two of you so long? We have to go or we're going to be late. And not fashionably late."

"We are just about done, Mira," Sofia called out. "We are almost there."

With Mira on their cases, Sofia and Natalie rushed to finish themselves up. Natalie found herself thrown into a blur, dragging behind Mira and Sofia as they got to the car, drove to the concert, walked out, and joined the crowd. Still caught within her thoughts of her own beauty from earlier, Natalie couldn't help but notice all of the eyes that cast their gazes on her.

And then one pair of eyes stood out most of all.

A girl with shoulder length blonde hair curled just so was walking toward them. Her eyelashes fluttered easily, as her beauty seemed so natural that even she didn't know what to do with it.

Mira, despite all of the surrounding noise, dropped her voice down to a whisper.

"That's Elena Keenan."

"Cierra's girlfriend!" Natalie exhaled.

"Oh, I'm glad that's the first thing that came to your mind."

"What, what else would come to mind?"

"You haven't heard? Apparently at some party she was dared to kiss her twin brother Adam, and she did. And, you know, the rumors only fly out from there."

"Oh." Natalie said.

"I heard about that too," Sofia murmured. "I heard she and everyone else there were hopelessly drunk. And I've heard that he doesn't get flak for it, only her. And that she wishes it never happened."

"Shush, both of you!" Natalie exclaimed. "She's coming over here, why is she coming over here?"

But before Mira or Sofia could come up with an explanation, Elena was already there.

"Well, well, two new faces here at Moscoe...or at least new to me."

Natalie, barely realizing what she was saying,

"Oh, oh my goodness! You're Elena, the famed Elena, Cierra's girlfriend!"

"Famed?" she said, her lips curling into a self-satisfied smile. "Well, maybe the description that I would use, but I certainly won't reject it. And who would you be?"

"I'm Natalie, Natalie Robin," she said, glowing.

"Oh, I've heard plenty about you!"

Natalie was experiencing something akin to jealousy, but certainly not jealousy. She thought to herself how pretty Elena was, how perfect her skin glowed and her eyelashes batted. And she craved it for herself, admiring it so strongly in another. She felt very strongly that no matter what Elena asked her to do, she would do it.

And when Elena looked back, she understood this feeling. Even if she was the girl who seemed to have everything, she still wanted something from this charming girl she had just met.

Elena continued with the introductions (just with Sofia, she already knew Mira) and small talk before raising a lithe hand in goodbye, a promise that she would certainly talk to them again. Especially Natalie, who seemed so vibrant and lively. And Natalie was entranced by the thought of it.

"Mira, Mira," she said. "Who is that boy she's going over to?"

Mira had to stifle a laugh. "Oh, that must be her latest flame. Dolsen. Everyone is mad about him, all the girls seem to fall over, he's made quite the name for himself here in basketball, but of course she..."

"Latest flame? But I thought she was...oh."

Natalie stared over at Elena and Dolsen, the latter of which had put his arm around her shoulders as she laughed. He was certainly attractive, but there was something enigmatic and almost off-putting about his dark eyes and tendency not to share the smiles of the people around him.

But before Natalie could get too wrapped up in whatever was happening between Elena and Dolsen (and, for that matter, what wasn't happening between Elena and Cierra), the concert began. The chatter only decreased marginally, but Natalie and her devotion to movement made her fall silent.

And she stared. They weren't singing in English. She wasn't sure they were speaking in any English. They were moving so strangely, almost shrieking while bathed in ever-moving colorful light. For a brief moment, Natalie wished she could sing like that, so unusual and otherworldly. But that thought was quite temporary.

"What is this?" Natalie muttered. Sofia glanced over to her, and it was clear they were both thinking the same thing about the concert.

There were lights and sounds but none of them seemed to make any sense. Natalie had always thought she was open-minded as an artist, but she couldn't stand whatever was happening in front of her now. The more she watched, the more unnatural it seemed. And maybe on a different day she would be able to move past it, but she reminded herself that this was supposed to be distracting her from her problems and it was not doing its job well.

Mira didn't seem to notice that the concert was awful. And for that matter, no one aside from Sofia seemed to be confused. Or maybe they were but they were hiding it. Or maybe, for once in her life, Natalie couldn't read anybody. But no matter which way she turned she felt eyes on her.

There were so many people, and it now seemed that so many of them were looking at her. Whether this was true or just her perception, she didn't care. The feeling of eyes on her, even if it was just one pair with one glance, made her feel almost intoxicated (or at least what she thought intoxication might be like).

Natalie wanted to laugh. Or maybe Natalie wanted to run away, as far away from this concert and all these strange people as possible. But she couldn't do either of those, she felt, so she was stuck shaking and feeling her lips curl up in a smile that she wasn't actively making. Her mind had drifted far, far from the concert even though her body felt so stuck within it.

Sofia noticed this in her cousin, and placed a hand on her shoulder as if to steady her. With this moment of physical contact, Natalie looked over and momentarily snapped back to reality. That didn't last long. It couldn't, not at this concert. But more disorienting was how Natalie felt a murmur, a tickling on her ears from the sound of Mira's voice.

"Natalie, look. That's Elena's brother. Adam Keenan."

She felt another hand turning her around, and there he was, walking into and through the crowd.

Adam was much like his sister - effortlessly attractive. He radiated confidence, the kind that he didn't have to work on but came naturally with his good looks. His gleaming blond hair somehow caught the light even in the dim evening, and his eyes glowed in response.

He made his way towards the front of the crowd, and it seemed that the crowd parted, offering no resistance. Adam was clearly going right toward Elena and Dolsen, but Natalie found herself wondering what would happen if he turned her way.

And he was so handsome. Maybe it was just the crowd and the dim surroundings and the colored lights from the stage, but he was so handsome.

Adam continued through the crowd until he united with Elena and Dolsen, and this trinity of three seemingly perfect people made Natalie very aware she was staring. But she couldn't stop. She watched Elena's perfect lips form some perfect words, and then her eyes flick over in Natalie's direction.

And then Adam's entire head turned, and he looked right at Natalie.

Feeling ashamed for reasons she couldn't explain, she looked down. But coupled with this feeling was one of giddy delight and vanity - they were talking about her. And he was looking right at her.

Even though she had no way of knowing, she was certain that they were only saying good things about her. She tried to be coy, tried to look up at the concert and pretend like she didn't notice his gaze or their far away words. But every time, her gaze would end up drifting back down to him in the crowd.

All of the eyes that she felt on her before paled in comparison to his. Combined with the screeches of the band, the endless spiraling colors and lights, she felt herself turning into chaos. Her mind was screaming. There was so much in it, so much around it, so much filtering through and catching on the snares.

And there he was, looking at her every time she looked at him, so intoxicatingly handsome.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in this chapter, inspiration came mostly from me feeling uncomfortable in loud, crowded spaces. but i'm excited for the first real look at the keenans, who have been some of my favorite characters to write...you'll see more of what i mean soon! thank you for all of the love thus far, dear readers!


	7. natalie & adam

"I'm going to step out for a moment," Natalie said, leaning over in hopes that Sofia or Mira would hear. Plenty of people went out during a concert to head to a bathroom or buy concessions or something, so maybe it wouldn't look too strange.

It didn't matter. Now that she was stepping out, Natalie no longer felt everyone staring at her - something which she thought would be pleasant, but instead made her feel disappointed. On some level of consciousness she desired their attention, and grew happier when she had it. Now it was gone, and she was stuck in her suffering.

The crowd would not move for her. By the moment she was able to slip by and apologize to one person, another one would shift in her way. It wasn't long before Natalie decided that she would stop apologizing for everyone else causing her problems. She felt so delirious and unattached, so her thoughts only drifted further and became more concentrated.

Instead of "I think I'll take a break," Natalie turned to "I need to get out of here now." Her attempts to get away became more frantic and perhaps more aggressive - even though she was far from an aggressive person. She felt almost on the verge of tears. How many people were at this concert, and how was it that so many of them were in her way?

Finally, everything gave way at once, and Natalie stumbled out into a more or less open area. She thought to herself about how she could finally breathe, and how good it felt to be free. Except, really, she didn't feel so good, and that frightened her and made her feel worse.

There was someone selling bottled water right nearby, and a few stragglers, but otherwise she was out of the crowd. Natalie wanted to believe that this was nice and helpful, but she still felt uneasy.

She heaved out a sigh. The concert was so loud that she could hear every caterwaul from the band even though she had walked decently far away. What  _were_  they doing, anyway? She was certain she wasn't missing anything by walking away, but she also knew she needed to walk back eventually.

Natalie tried to breathe in, get herself relaxed and present enough to return without too much worry. All she could think about is how much she didn't want to return, and that was far from productive.

Oh, joy - a headache that she would never have been able to notice in the chaos of the crowd, but now that she was alone she could notice every detail. Colors seemed brighter and sounds seemed sharper, but her heightened senses only brought pain.

Natalie was now entirely miserable. She put her hand on her head and tried not to groan, but she couldn't help it if any sound fell out. It wasn't actively painful - it just ached.

She thought for a second about who was around her, who would see her and what they would think of the girl with a hand on her head. Most likely everyone would forget her immediately, and she didn't like that. But she also didn't like the idea that they would think she was strange. She craved their attention but hated every way she could think of getting it.

Wondering if she should just return to Sofia and Mira and tell them she wasn't feeling well in an excuse to go back to the dorm, Natalie forced her hand back down to her side and puffed out a sigh. She would do it. She would.

Until she saw Adam Keenan, emerging from the crowd, walking right towards her.

She froze, knowing that their eyes had met and that meant there was no way she could pretend she hadn't seen him. And besides, he probably would've cut her off even if she had started moving back into crowd.

He was very handsome. Very attractive. Not surprisingly, he looked quite a bit like his twin sister, with blond hair and an intensity that felt inviting rather than frightening. Well. Maybe a little bit frightening - but only because he was so attractive that it felt like he couldn't be real and he couldn't really be coming to talk to someone so normal as Natalie.

But he was. He stepped up to her, smiled, and spoke.

"You must be Natalie," he said, putting out his hand. "Natalie Robin."

"Oh," she responded in the midst of shaking his hand, caught by surprise that he would know even such a basic fact. It took her another moment to process enough to respond truly. "Yes. Yes, I'm Natalie. And you are..."

"Adam Keenan."

"Yes. Of course. I've heard."

Natalie immediately wished she hadn't said that. It sounded awkward. And awkward did not belong anywhere near Adam.

"I mean...your sister is dating one of my old friends, Cierra, she was my tutor back in middle school and then high school..."

"Oh, I know Cierra. We're friends, outside of whatever my sister does."

"That's good to hear," Natalie said. She felt that if she opened her mouth again, she might start babbling and she couldn't bear the thought of making herself look so stupid in front of Adam.

"So...you're new here at Moscoe? That's what my sister was saying."

"Well, new as any other freshman," she said.

"How do you like it?"

"I...I think it's brilliant," Natalie said. She now started to feel that no matter what she said, he would continue speaking to her. "Almost done with my first semester."

"That means you have to suffer through exams for the first time. Now  _that's_  a shame."

He touched her shoulder, and even though she didn't flinch outwardly she felt a jolt within. How long had it been since Andrew was there, with his arm around her shoulders? How long had it been since she felt human contact, weight and heat and something more? It seemed like it had been forever, and somehow Adam knew this fact and did something about it.

And she liked it, even though it scared her. It seemed like he already knew her, like he could see right through her with no barrier to stop him. He was so close, more than just physically. She barely knew what she was saying, all that she knew was that she kept talking and didn't dare drop his attention and his interest.

Natalie knew that she was smiling. Oh, and then she was laughing. And she continued to respond and listen but it was clear that her mind was entirely separate from the conversation. Her heart was fluttering so intensely that she felt convinced he could hear it and feel it too.

And, for a while, it felt pleasant. It was like caffeine in the morning, in the moments of intense clarity and excitement coming out of fades and blurs. But, just like caffeine on her over-reactive nervous system, it led to a feeling of anxiety that she could not push away.

It didn't make any sense. It didn't make any sense. It felt like she was flirting with him, even though she wasn't trying to be. Or maybe she was. She couldn't tell. It didn't make any sense.

Because it didn't make any sense, Natalie felt herself enthralled by their conversation, wondering how each word and look fit into a larger puzzle. It was fascinating, listening to words she couldn't remember forming coming from her mouth. But what was more intriguing than anything else was the fact that Adam seemed intrigued by her.

His eyes never drifted from her, and he seemed to listen whenever she spoke. Most important was that he had come up to her and just started talking so boldly and freely. Natalie was certain that meant he was drawn to her and, now that he was talking to her, entranced by her. Now that she was getting the attention there was no way she would willingly give it away...even though she felt she was doing something wrong by enjoying it so much.

She  _knew_  she looked good. She hadn't spent so much time staring at herself in the mirror not to realize that. And to think that someone appreciated it, especially someone as attractive as Adam Keenan, made electric pulses in her fingertips. Then she would remind herself that she maybe shouldn't be feeling that way, but she couldn't help it. Natalie felt and felt and felt.

Every word they exchanged was so simple and common, really, but there was something below the surface. She could feel it, and she was sure he could feel it too. After all, he was so close. Like he belonged there.

"My fraternity is having a party next week," Adam said. "Friday. I think you should come. I know I'd love to see you there."

He was a frat boy? Oh, of course he was a frat boy. But he didn't seem like the normal frat boy, the stereotype that Natalie always assumed. No, he seemed so calm and yet bold. No yelling or annoying catchphrases or otherwise unattractive behavior. Nothing unattractive about him, as far as she could see.

No, no - she shouldn't be thinking about that. Or should she? How much control was she supposed to have over her own thoughts, anyway?

"I don't know exactly I have planned for this Friday but I will certainly think about it. I'd love to come."

Well. Considering how well she had done at this concert, Natalie wasn't sure how well she could survive the claustrophobic environment of a frat house party. But when she thought about Adam being there, she didn't mind.

It wasn't that he made her feel safe and understood, not quite. Rather, talking to him and letting him look at her felt like falling, falling freely in the most exhilarating way she could imagine. It felt adult. It felt new. And it was terrifying as much as it was wonderful.

Natalie tried not to think that if she leaned forward just the slightest bit their lips would touch. Trying not to think of it, of course, only made it float closer to the top of her mind. So she tried to focus on something else as they spoke.

He maintained eye contact easily. She tried to think about how that made her jealous, about how she wished it was that easy not to look away. But instead her mind strayed to how warm and inviting Adam's eyes were. His voice and his presence only seemed to confirm that feeling.

He wanted her there. He wanted to know her. And for a while, it seemed that no one else existed in the world, that it was just the two of them. With so few people around, it was easy to pretend. But part of Natalie's mind nudged the rest, reminding her that Mira and Sofia had been waiting for her this entire time.

"I should...I need to go back. I think the concert's almost over, and I need to get back to my friends so we can all walk back together..."

"I understand completely. I've got plans of my own tonight, so I should probably be getting back as well."

Natalie nodded, unable to suppress the full smile that stretched over her lips.

"Wait, wait. No. Not yet. Before we go...before we go, I think I should get your number," Adam said, a smile stretching over his lips. "I don't want to risk losing touch with you."

"Of course," Natalie said, mirroring his smile. "Here."

She fished her phone out of her bag to exchange it with his, and in that exchange their hands brushed together and Natalie felt herself shiver involuntarily. A few silent seconds later, the phones returned to their owners.

"It was nice to meet you, Natalie," Adam said, bowing his head slightly. "I hope that our paths will cross again. I think they will - I might just have to make it happen."

"Nice to meet you," Natalie replied, finding that every other word had vanished from her mind. She put up a hand and started walking back toward the crowd, sending one last glance to Adam. Adam Keenan.

Feelings that she had never known before and had no names for welled up within her. They made her so confused that she couldn't help but think to herself that maybe, just maybe, this was it. Maybe this was what she was searching for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is inspired by feeling flustered around new people. which is not an unusual experience, at all. some parts lifted from personal experience with a crush before i knew it was a crush, always fun! this is also the first chapter posted from me actually being in college!!


	8. natalie lost

Natalie couldn't tell why she felt so dizzy. So little had happened on the outside, but inside she felt like everything had shifted and no matter how much she scrambled she could not get it back.

She wondered for a moment if everything was because of the suffocating crowd, and the almost disturbingly weird concert. Natalie wished she could blame it entirely on that. But she knew, on whatever level, that however strange the concert was she hadn't started feeling so unbalanced until after she had left the crowd and the concert behind.

So the real dizziness, the real confusion that she felt in her heart rather than just in her head, stemmed from when she talked to Adam. And that terrified her. It had just happened and yet it seemed miles, miles away, and yet in crisp detail.

Was she flirting? Had she been leading Adam on? Oh, God, why hadn't she mentioned that she had a boyfriend? And, for that matter, why wasn't Andrew there at that moment to comfort her? Wait. Shouldn't he have already known she had Andrew, since he knew who she was? Couldn't Andrew just be home again?

No. No, no, she wouldn't dash his dreams just because she couldn't handle herself. She was certain once he got back from looking at pretty buildings and calculating angles he would be able to put this in perspective. He always could. And then she would find a way to laugh about it, and he might even laugh, that rare laugh that lit his eyes in radiance.

Yes.

But he wasn't there. And she had to go back into the crowd.

She was, on some level, thankful for the fact that the people forced her to think about something else, even if it made her feel irritated. Part of her wondered if she would ever get back to her friends. But as she gradually pushed her way through, she could finally breathe a sigh of relief when she spotted braids cascading down the back of a head - Sofia's head.

"Hey, Sofia," she said, positioning herself next to her friend while staring straight forward.

"Welcome back, Natalie. Mira went to go talk to some other people. I don't think I was the best conversation partner. But she'll be back before the end of the concert, I'm sure," Sofia explained. But she then noticed how distant her friend seemed, somehow even more than before she had left.

"Are you feeling better?"

"I'm fine," Natalie said, hoping that she could shut off the conversation before it started. She didn't want to talk to Sofia. She wasn't sure she wanted to talk to anyone, for that matter. She knew that Sofia knew that she was far from fine, but she couldn't bear to talk to her. Not over the concert, as awful as it was.

She tried to focus on the concert, but it simply made her feel dizzy. It was stupid. It was a waste of her time when what she needed most was to run back to her dorm room and strum something on her ukulele. She ended up hanging her head most of the time, trying to pretend that maybe she wasn't actually there and wasn't actually suffering as much as was.

Natalie tried not to look up too often. The lights made her head hurt, or at least that was the excuse she made. But really, she kept noticing that every time she looked up, she looked over at Adam. And every time she looked at him, their eyes would meet, because somehow he was looking back at her.

Even from the distance, she could see his eyes sparkling. Oh. What had she said to him, what had she done, to make him look at her like that? Adam, Adam Keenan, looking at her, who had talked to her and touched her and liked her. And she had liked it back. Was that what she had done? Was his interest in her entirely built off of her interest in him? Did that make it her fault?

Oh, now it felt so awful. Their conversation, their interactions, had been so electric. It was electric now, but it wasn't the same at all. Before it had been pleasant and good and she wanted nothing more than his eyes and his handsome smile. Now every glance made her feel like she had been shocked, and her nervous system was frying out.

Several painful minutes later, the concert ended. Natalie gave thanks that one horrible and strange and confusing thing would go away, and then even more when thought about how soon she could throw herself into bed and sleep away these uncomfortable feelings. But she would have to walk first. Natalie felt as if she'd forgotten the way back to the dorm in her excitement.

She spotted Mira, who had spotted her and Sofia, and was going to lead the way back to their hall. Just seeing her RA, so much a matriarch, put her more at ease. Natalie could look down to her phone and pretend to be fascinated by it while someone else brought her where she could sleep and forget about everything that had happened. So that was precisely what she did.

She let few words slip from her lips on her way back to the dorm, a few idle words to Mira and fewer still to Sofia. They didn't notice that anything was wrong or that anything inside had changed so immensely. And Natalie tried to believe that she was thankful for them not questioning her when she was too busy questioning herself.

But instead Natalie felt alone, staring at her phone instead of sharing words. A part of her thought that, even longed for, Mira or Sofia would glance over and see her despair even though she was hiding it and then they would give her comfort. But they did not notice at all. Did they really care for her? Was she really hiding her emotions so much that they couldn't see she was in the middle of a crisis?

Apparently not. The quiet walk back to the dorms soon ended, with Sofia pulling ahead at the last minute to unlock the door to their room. She headed over to her bed, and Natalie slowly dragged herself over to her own side, still looking at her phone.

Sofia, as usual, ended up reading one of her many books. She was so good at focusing, so good at letting her attention stick to one thing. But if she needed to change, she could do it. Natalie couldn't do that. Natalie could drown in one thing, and she would drown forever.

And she was drowning now. She sat down on her bed, glad to be away from the crowd and the concert, but found that she wasn't that much more at ease. Her thoughts and feelings were simply too much. So resting, just resting, wasn't going to work.

Then what? She stuffed earbuds into her ears, jabbing at her phone to start the playlist made just for her and Andrew. Soft guitar drifted into her ears as she tried to lay back and relax. It wasn't working, she decided after about ten seconds. No. This wouldn't do. She ripped the earbuds out almost as violently as she had put them in.

She could talk to Sofia. No, she couldn't talk to Sofia. How was she supposed to talk to anyone about anything going on in her head when she could barely comprehend it herself?

Oh, but Sofia was so good at sorting through emotions. Sofia was always the level-headed one, the one that people always believed was smart because she was reserved and wise. Natalie was just as smart, but people sometimes struggled to see past her tendency to go into chaos when she was stressed, struggled to see substance behind her effervescence.

So it only made sense for Sofia to know what to do when Natalie was stuck in chaos. Yes, she would talk to Sofia.

"Sofia?"

"Yes, Natalie?"

Natalie immediately thought that she shouldn't be saying anything. She had made a mistake by opening her mouth, but now she couldn't go back.

"What did you think of the concert?" she decided to say.

"It was...well, it was a special shade of awful. Almost so awful it was good, I would say. What would you say?"

"I don't think I would say it was almost good," Natalie sighed. "I...I don't think it will inspire any new songs. I'm not doing any new covers on Starduster."

"I don't blame you."

Natalie couldn't suppress the feeling that she had done something horribly wrong, something she would never get forgiveness for. She felt that she needed to confess to Sofia in order to get help, guidance, clarity from the chaos.

But how could she confess, when she couldn't even process the crime?

Their conversation, interrupted by Natalie's internal fretting, fizzled away. Tired out from the concert, Sofia paved the way to turn the lights out for the night. Natalie didn't resist. She was exhausted, but more from her own turmoil than anything external. She went about her nightly routine, and then finally laid down to go to bed.

The room was soaked in complete darkness. Natalie, who still had vestiges of a childhood fear of the dark, usually tried to shut her eyes as quickly as possible and keep it out.

But to close her eyes meant that she was ready to go to sleep, and she wasn't. She wished that she could silence her thoughts so easily. It wasn't going to happen, though.

She stared up at the blank ceiling. She could swear her heart was beating in her throat. Natalie felt entirely too in her body and yet so distant from her mind at the same time. It was distinctly uncomfortable, but also unfamiliar enough that she didn't have any way to ground herself.

So she tried to think through it. She tried to step through her memories and see what, exactly, had happened.

Nothing had happened. She had gone to a concert. The concert had been bad. There had been Elena Keenan, and Dolsen, and then Adam Keenan. She had gotten a headache and walked away. Adam had come and introduced himself. He had talked. She had talked to him. He had mentioned something about a party. She had smiled. He had seemed nice. She had gone back. She had walked back to Mira and Sofia and then they had walked back to the dorm. And then she had fretted and worried and stayed awake with her thoughts.

So nothing had happened? No, something had happened.

Maybe she was, really, very much attracted to Adam.

But she loved Andrew. She loved Andrew. She had loved Andrew for so long. She would continue loving Andrew. She would repeat his name in her head and on her lips.

And if she chanted enough times, it wouldn't matter. He would still be in France, she would still be in America, there would still be hours and miles between them.

She needed his presence more than ever. Knowing that Adam was there to twist her mind meant that she was forced to remember that Andrew was gone. She just felt like she was suffering, laying awake in the dark.

This was torture. How long had it been? Sofia was asleep. At least twenty minutes since the light turned out. She was burning through the night. Time was moving slowly enough for her to sink in worries, but fast enough that she felt like she was wasting away.

What if she had never gone to that concert? What if it had never given her a headache? Would she be okay? Or would she still be suffering, just thinking about the Boles?

Oh, the Boles. Mary and her father, her awful awful father. It felt like years since she thought about them even though it had just been that morning that the effects of her visit had sent her into a whirlwind. She hadn't heard a thing from them, and she was thankful for it. Natalie wasn't sure if she could manage having their problems piled on top of her own.

Natalie sighed. With her thoughts spiraling and her stomach churning, she would never be able to fall asleep. She had sleeping pills for this very purpose, but hesitated to take them. But, at the same time, she needed to sleep. And she would stay awake, torturing herself inside all night, if she didn't take them. She sighed, again.

It was better to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> natasha lost, gone but not forgotten. joking aside, i understand why the song was cut from the show but i think for my telling of the story this scene is vital. inspired very much by my own experiences with feeling overwhelmed, which is pretty universal.


	9. embers & ashes

"Cierra. Cierra. Please wake up."

Cierra did not want to open her eyes. She didn't want to find out why Elena sounded so distressed. She didn't need anything more to be upset about in her life.

"I know you're awake," Elena said, her voice falling to a far softer level. "And you need to be. I need to...you...just open your eyes and say something to me, Cierra."

Heaving out a sigh, Cierra did what Elena said. As she opened her eyes and shifted around, it became apparent she wasn't in her bed. She was, however, on the floor. And when she glanced around, she saw that Elena was kneeling beside her, her golden hair illuminated behind to make her look all too much like an angel. As she gradually came into focus, Cierra saw that on Elena's face was a look of despair so profound that hardly any of her perfect features contorted.

"What happened?" Cierra asked, shifting to a sitting position, ignoring the throbbing in her head, and hating how gravely her voice sounded.

"I don't think you want to know," Elena replied, no hint of humor in her words. But no amount of gravity could prevent Cierra's mind from spiraling into a mix of fear and anger.

"What would you know about that? What I do or don't want to know?"

"You don't know anything that happened tonight?"

"I blacked out, I know that much," Cierra said, exhaling a sigh. "Because I don't remember anything. I know that we went to the club with Adam and Dolsen after that concert thing you all went to, and that I started drinking, but that's nothing new. Nothing for you to be afraid of me knowing."

Elena didn't meet Cierra's eyes, instead setting her gaze to the ground.

"Please, please, please tell me you remember something."

"Here's my question. How do you remember any of it?"

"I was the designated driver," Elena replied, her voice scratching with a dry attempt at humor. "It's three AM now, it's been a few hours."

"Then tell me about it. I don't remember, Elena, and I don't think I'm going to."

Elena's lips parted as she hesitated, an overwhelming feeling of resistance falling over her. She didn't want to say a thing. But she also didn't want to leave Cierra in the dark.

"Yes, we went to the club. And everyone was drinking, everyone was drunk. You were, probably, more drunk. Dolsen...Dolsen started flirting with me, which I assumed was nothing new. I flirted back, because that's what I always do. But...but there was something different. You...maybe you'd never noticed before. I don't know, I thought everyone knew."

Cierra already felt uncomfortable. She had heard rumors of Dolsen and Elena together, but she had avoided thinking about them...and because of that, she had avoided believing them.

"You were...you were so angry. You knocked over your drink, and everyone assumed it was an accident but I knew it wasn't so I stopped. I stopped flirting. But Dolsen was drunk, he didn't know what was going on, and he just kept going. And the next thing I knew you had your hands on his collar and I could swear you were going to choke him. Then you started to hit him. I always forget how strong you are. He was bleeding, and he wasn't fighting back, and no one...no seemed to stop you."

"So everyone was frozen, including me. I wanted to scream but I just...didn't do anything. I think you realized what you had done and then you just started...freaking out. Not that you weren't freaking about before, but now you were like...shaking. Crying a bit. And pretty much everyone just avoided you but you started saying that this was it. You started saying...oh, God."

Elena inhaled, her breath sharp.

"You said that this was it. That this would be your last night. That you were going to kill yourself, once and for all, and be over with everything because you didn't want to feel it anymore. You went on like that for a while and I barely knew what to do. I left everyone else behind and took you back here and right when you walked in the door you passed out. And we've been here since."

Cierra sat silently for a moment, thinking through this entire story. She couldn't remember any of it. But...but it all sounded like her. She always knew she would get to the breaking point, and it only made sense that it would happen while she was drunk.

That didn't make it hurt less. As much as she thought about suicide she had never, never said a word about those thoughts. And now...now, whoever was around her had heard. They knew.

And Elena, with her perfect shining eyes filled with a pity she couldn't stand, knew.

"And what're you doing here still?" Cierra snapped, trying to avoid the darker thoughts. "I thought you would be off, somewhere else, having fun or sleeping or doing something with your life instead of watching over my unconscious body."

"I needed to be here," Elena said. "I need to, now."

"Why?"

"Because you've hurt people tonight and I'm worried you're going to hurt yourself. You said you were going to...going to kill yourself, and I'm going to do whatever I can to make sure that doesn't happen."

Cierra didn't want to hear any of this. No.

"Look at you. You're disgusted by me. Disgusted that you're my girlfriend."

"I'm not."

"Yes, you are. I'm sure that every time you look at me all you see is a bleeding Dolsen, and I don't blame-"

"No."

"I can see it in your eyes. You're sitting three feet away from me. You are."

"Is it so impossible to think that I give a shit about you?" Elena asked.

Cierra shook her head. "No, but you also clearly hate me in a way that's out of your control."

"I have my issues with you, but I don't want to see you dead. And I don't want to see you as unhappy as this. I know i can't make you happy but I want to see you...well, I want to see you anything but this."

Cierra ran her fingers through her hair. "If you don't like me, then we should just break up. Cut it all off here, because neither of us are happy."

"That's not what I'm talking about. I don't want to break up with you right now and I'm not going to leave."

Cierra opened her mouth to counter this but Elena cut her off.

"Listen to me. I'm here because I don't know of anyone else who would be," Elena said. "And I know that sounds horrible but...but...you have friends. You're friends with Andrew, who's not here. You're friends with my brother, and with...well. But when you're not drinking with them you're alone here and you don't have anyone."

"Like you have to remind me."

"I'm trying to tell you I don't want you to be alone," Elena said. "I'm trying to..." She faded away, unable to word any of her thoughts.

"You want to be my savior," Cierra said, no hint of judgment in her voice. "You want to be the person who saved me."

"I do. I don't want to see you suffer."

A sigh fell from Cierra's lips. Elena looked so concerned, so involved, and she didn't know what to think of it. She wanted to help, and she didn't know how. She couldn't. She had caused too much pain and couldn't erase it. And, worst of all, she reminded Cierra that there was no one else who would help. Trying to escape her thoughts for a moment, Cierra pulled herself up onto the couch. For a moment, there was blissful silence, but it refused to last long.

"I'm going to...I'm going to..."

Elena rose from where she was sitting and began a slow approach to the couch where Cierra draped. Looking in her eyes, Cierra couldn't tell what she was trying to do. But looking at her hands, her arms, her lips, it became clear.

"Kissing me isn't going to solve anything," Cierra said, catching Elena's arm as she began to lean down.

"I didn't think it would," she replied. "I just thought that maybe some sort of contact might help..."

"So what if I'm touch starved?" Cierra scoffed, flinging away Elena's arm. "Sex won't cure depression."

"No, it won't," Elena reluctantly agreed. She paused for a moment, wondering where she could push the conversation next. She needed to communicate, needed to understand.

"We're not so different, really. I'm just better at smiling," she said.

"You're not smiling now."

"How could I be? My girlfriend beat someone up and threatened to kill herself and now she won't let me help. You won't let me help. But I want to help. You need help, and I am here-"

All of Elena's emotions from throughout the night were starting to pour out in the form of words, and Cierra couldn't bear it. Elena's presence grated on her, and she wasn't sure if she could take it much longer. So she wouldn't. She refused.

"Get out."

"Cierra, I can't leave you, not right now-"

"Get out!" she repeated, her voice rising to a yell.

For the first time so far, Elena looked like she was about to cry.

"Let me stay here," she begged. "Let me sleep on the couch, in the bathtub, I don't care."

"No. I'm telling you to go. Go to your brother. Go sleep with Dolsen. I don't care. You just cannot be here. Not now."

She didn't want to let it show, but she was choking back tears. Her anger and discomfort could only go so far, and it was giving way to the despair that surrounded her.

"Please...at the very least, text me before you go to sleep. Let me know that you're..."

Elena shook her head, picked up her bag, and walked out the door. The echo of her footsteps down the hallway made it clear she was almost running out of the building. In a matter of seconds, her presence faded to silence.

Cierra, who had been holding back her breath and her tears the entire time, let them all free in a deluge of sobs. She hardly even knew what she was crying about. But she would think through it and let the tears fall freely, now that Elena was gone.

What hurt most of all was that Elena was right. CIerra had no one if she needed anything more than a drinking buddy. Maybe Andrew could provide some sort of conversation, but if he wasn't studying abroad in France then he was lost within the workings of his own mind. Cierra couldn't blame him. But it meant that she had no one, and she was drowning.

She cried and cried and cried, both in noisy heaving sobs and in quiet streaming tears. Her eyes continually watered, and inside she felt like her soul had been drained. Everything gradually subsided, but she felt too volatile to go to sleep.

So Cierra pulled on a jacket in a vain attempt to combat the new winter air and made her way out of the apartment building. She would stargaze and maybe that would calm her enough to go to sleep.

Usually when Cierra looked up to the stars it was for comfort. Sometimes looking up at the pinpricks of light helped her to remember that her life and all of its problems were just as tiny and just as massive, and then everything would go on.

But on this night Cierra was looking for an answer. She wanted to search for lessons in the spaces between pieces of a constellation. It was foolish and impossible but she needed it.

The sky was mostly clear, with only a few wisps of clouds to block the blue and silver and white gold. It was the perfect winter sky, one that Cierra would've called perfect any other day. It was lovely to look up at, almost inspiring...but there was nothing of meaning. Nothing of note.

Cierra wanted to burst into sobs once again, filled with disappointment and anger and despair that the stars hadn't given her an answer, of course they didn't, and it was stupid to think that staring at the night sky could tell her anything.

Then what? What could she do? How could she get to sleep and wake up the morning and pretend to be okay?

She needed someone to tell her.

No.

Wait.

She needed someone. She needed a connection with someone. And Elena, even with all her people skills and her desire to help and her extraordinary beauty, could not be that person. There was a barrier between them, built brick by brick from the moment they first met, preventing such a thing. No. Cierra needed to find someone who she could connect with fully, in mind and heart and soul.

She wished it would be as easy as opening up to Elena, Elena who was always just out of reach. But no. Cierra would have to search and hope and maybe even pray that she would find someone.

She glanced up one last time, tracing the invisible lines of the constellations with her eyes. That was a connection. That was guidance. And Cierra didn't have any of that.

But she wanted to have it all. She didn't want to want to die, or to feel alone and depressed. Something had to change, or at least that was what she told herself as she returned to her apartment and peeled off her winter jacket.

Cierra, feeling empty, laid down on her bed. She closed her eyes and called out to God or the universe or any higher power that could listen to her thoughts.

She would either wake up the next morning, hungover and bleary but alive and breathing, or she would close her eyes for the last time this night, never to wake again. Either way was comforting. Either way was an answer to the terrible questions that echoed through her brain a thousand times a moment. Either way would be an ending and a beginning.

But she wanted to wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing elena and a different side to her was such a joy. i struggled with the idea of the duel and dust and ashes until this idea popped up, and it felt so organic and right. also...i am love cierra.


	10. sunday morning

"Natalie. Natalie, it's time. Wake up."

Natalie groaned in response to Sofia's pestering. She consistently slept in as much as possible every morning, and the fact that Sofia was waking her up while it was still dark out on a Sunday morning was unpleasant, to say the least.

"Time for what, again?"

"Time to look at candles in mirrors, Natalie," Sofia reminded her. "You said that we could do it last night."

"Oh, right," Natalie said. If she was honest, she didn't remember this at all. All she could remember from the previous night was distress and how she stayed awake staring at the ceiling thinking about two boys with glittering eyes. Thinking about that made her wish she was still asleep and could live entirely in whatever bizarre dreams her subconscious came up with.

But instead she was up, groggy, and looking over at a Sofia more enthusiastic and energetic than Natalie had seen in ages.

"Remind me why we have to do this at four AM?"

"Because if we do it just about any other time, Mira will find us with candles that aren't allowed in the dorm room."

"Mira? Mira wouldn't care," Natalie snorted. "If the worst thing we're burning in our room is a candle, she won't care."

Sofia didn't respond to this. Natalie was right, of course, but Sofia had her own unspoken reasons for this ritual, and those reasons made it clear she needed to act as quickly as possible. She hadn't said anything the previous night, but she was keenly aware that something was off with her roommate. So she chose a rather roundabout way to hopefully help the situation.

Thinking the only problems in Natalie's mind were the concert, the Boles, and of course Andrew, Sofia thought her friend needed to have some sort of confidence about her future.

"Come on, Natalie. Help me get it set up. You can do the mirrors - they've got to face each other, so one needs to be in the back. I'll get the candles."

Natalie nearly fell out of bed, her mind still caught in the new fogs of sleep. But she still listened to Sofia. It was nice to tune into someone else's thoughts and desires and ignore her own, even if she was just moving mirrors. But that task, so simple, ended quickly and placed Natalie right back with her old woes.

"Okay," she said. "Now what are we supposed to do?"

"Do you want to go first?"

"I guess. I don't know what I'm doing, though."

"Here," Sofia said. She guided Natalie down to the center of the room and got her to crouch down. She pressed a candle and a matchbook into Natalie's hands and began her explanation.

"What you do is you look in the mirror, as far back as you can, and you're supposed to see one of two things: a coffin, or a man."

"A coffin?" Natalie said, her still half-asleep mind jolting with fear.

"Don't worry about it. Everyone sees a man."

"And what does that mean?" Natalie asked. "If I see a man, or a coffin, what does it mean?"

Sofia bit her lip, knowing that she didn't quite know the answer.

"It's your future," she said. "Whatever you see is supposed to show your future."

"Oh...oh," Natalie breathed. For whatever reason, this thought seemed surprising and almost frightening. But she had made her choice - she would do it.

One full-length mirror was propped up on the wall behind her, one was held up in front of her by Sofia. She picked up a match and struck it, sucking in a breath as a flickering glow illuminated the room. The scent alone made her wonder how they were going to get away with this, as it immediately filled the room with memories of lighting birthday candles.

But for a moment, everything was peaceful. The room was dark in the way that it can only be in the early hours of the morning, but with a misplaced star in the form of candle flame. Gold and deep, deep blue.

It was a pretty picture, Natalie thought. Pretty enough to write a song about if she wasn't so confused and distressed.

She pressed her eyelids together - which reminded her that she should, really, be asleep. But when she opened them, she started staring into the mirror in front of her, with Sofia watching intently.

"What do you see?" Sofia whispered, her voice cutting through the morning air.

"I..." Natalie hesitated. "I see my face."

"Natalie," Sofia said, smiling softly.

"I know, I know, I'm supposed to be looking for a coffin or a man, a coffin or a man standing back there somewhere in the mirror realm..."

Natalie readjusted herself. She wondered if the smoke would set some alarms off, or if some of it would escape from a crack and drift into Mira's nose, waking her up from her slumber. But she tried not to let this image distract her too much. No, she had to look for an image, look into the mirror and see...

"I see someone lying down. Oh my God. Sofia, that's not one of the things, that's not one of the things at all!"

"Well-"

"It must be  _him_!" Natalie exclaimed. "He's lying down because he's hurt and he's far away from me right now and I can't do anything."

Sofia didn't say anything. She didn't know how she could respond to such a thing.

"Oh, God. If this is really supposed to be some future thing then it has to be something big. It has to be something major, like he's hurt and he has to lay down...oh..."

"Maybe it's a ghost," Sofia weakly suggested. If she was honest, she hadn't thought Natalie would see anything in the mirror. She should've known better, knowing her cousin's hyperactive imagination and even more hyperactive worry.

"No, it can't be a ghost. I don't believe in ghosts," Natalie said. "And that doesn't have anything to do with someone lying down."

She watched as her face, illuminated in the candlelight, contorted into an image of pain.

"He hasn't texted me in what feels like forever," she moaned. "I'm so alone. He's left me all alone here and I don't know what to do with myself."

With that, she blew out the candle and turned her back to the mirror that Sofia was holding, and then turned away from the other mirror, and then turned to her bed where she could sit. She glanced up to see that Sofia was staring at her.

"What? Do you want to do it now? Should I go and hold up the mirror?" Natalie said, pushing herself off of the bed and moving toward where Sofia was.

"No, no," Sofia replied, overwhelmed with the guilt she had contracted earlier. There was no way she would force Natalie to do anything, not now. No. She would clean everything up herself and try not to think that she had caused this horrible shift in Natalie's mood. No, of course not.

Natalie's lips pressed further into a frown. She dragged herself back to her bed and thought about laying down, but the thought of sleeping when there was so much on her mind just seemed wrong. She couldn't keep it all inside of her.

"What if Andrew never comes back?" Natalie said.

"Now, why would you say something like that? He's just studying abroad, and he'll back in a few weeks."

"But what if he doesn't come back? I know it's not what's supposed to happen but what even is supposed to happen? I...he never should've gone. Because now we're hours and hours apart and I don't know what's happening and he doesn't know what's happening to me and it's horrible. I don't what to do with myself anymore, I don't know..."

"Natalie, just go back to sleep. There's no classes or anything today. You're obviously exhausted, and you need sleep."

Natalie didn't respond, but Sofia knew that her friend had heard her. She just wasn't up to responding at the moment, which was concerning but understandable.

Natalie had jumped so quickly to the worst possible scenarios, and now there was no way to retrieve her mind. But she followed her cousin's lead and laid down on her bed, wondering how much and so little had just happened and knowing that she wasn't going to get over it soon.

She was a sleeper, once she was able to close her eyes. In her past she liked to joke that she had sleep inertia - if she was awake, she would stay awake, but if she was asleep, she would stay asleep. Now that idea felt stupid. She was awake, but she needed to go to sleep. Part of her wanted to sleep and neglect waking up for the entire day.

But now it was a matter of her getting to sleep. It  _was_  pitch black outside, so perhaps that would help. Still the candlelit image of her reflection and the figure lying down deep in the background felt burned in her mind. And then she would worry about Andrew, and then she would worry about her interactions with Adam.

She didn't, however, think about her friend Sofia. Sofia was struggling to get back to sleep for her own reasons - and many of those reasons stemmed back to Natalie. The whole point of the candles and mirrors was to help put her roommate at ease. But in practice, it had only made her fret even more than before. The guilt Sofia felt over causing this, though indirectly, forced her stomach to churn and made her wish she had never had the idea.

So the two girls lay in agony, hoping that their eyelids would drift closed and they wouldn't be up on the one day they could sleep.

\- - - - -

Mira always did her laundry early on Sunday mornings, and she encouraged Natalie and Sofia to do the same. Like their girls' night that last week, it was a time for them to talk freely and openly.

As soon as Mira saw Natalie and Sofia lugging over their laundry, she launched into a cheerful "good morning" and then started talking about the concert. She talked less about the music and the visuals and more about what it had meant socially - the reason she had gone, really.

But she could only carry the conversation for so long. Mira quickly noticed that both of the girls were quiet. She expected that from Sofia, but not from effervescent Natalie. She debated her options - prod them until they spoke, or leave them alone to wallow in silence - and decided something in the middle was best.

"You two seem tired," she said, making sure her voice was soft with sincerity. "Tired out from last night?"

"You could say that," Sofia said, forcing out a laugh.

Mira felt that there was tension - not necessarily between the two roommates, but within them. She didn't quite know how to respond to this, but she nodded.

"You know, you two don't  _have_  to wash your clothes right now. I mean, if you stick them in the washer you can both lay down and I'll just come over when they're ready to be moved to the dryer."

"No, no, we'll be fine," Sofia said.

Mira nodded once again. She noticed that Natalie hadn't spoken a word - the girl seemed almost deflated, an emptied shell of her normal self. She was tired, yes, but there was more than tired in the dullness of her downcast eyes.

"Natalie...is there anything I can do for you?" Mira said, keeping her voice soft.

"No. I'm fine," Natalie replied, in the very way that makes it clear that a person is far, far from fine. And she let that be the only words she spoke that morning as she focused all of her attention on her laundry.

Natalie wanted to drown herself in the soft fabric of newly-laundered clothes, which to her felt so much like water. All of the soft colors and pretty sweaters were a welcome distraction from everything she had suffered. An effective distraction? Not at all. But she might as well frown and appreciate it at the same time.

As she was folding her skirt from the Boles dinner, an ugly reminder of one of the many topics she wanted to forget, she sighed. It was the dawn of a new week. But she just wanted the weeks to be over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's funny to be talking about the right time to do laundry in college because i'm doing my laundry right now. i love laundry, and i think that kind of carried over to natalie...anyway. i adore the newer version of "sunday morning," i love the supernatural and candlelit sense of it all, and i wanted to try to capture that "it's technically the morning but it's so dark time doesn't feel real" kind of a thought.


	11. charming

Natalie spent a week in a blur, and she was grateful for that blur because it meant she didn't need to pay attention to all of the details that made her head spin. Memories of the concert were just fresh enough and just far enough for her to think about it from a distance - but that distance just made her think she had made a mistake, which seemed to be an undeniable fact.

She didn't text Mary, and she didn't text Adam. She hoped that neither one of them would text her and she wouldn't have to fret about them. (Natalie would, of course, fret about them anyway. She just didn't need a reminder.)

Absentmindedly, she asked Sofia what she should do to distract herself from her own thoughts. Sofia had seemed a bit surprised by this question, but recommended a book. Work. And for Natalie, music.

So Natalie did all of the above. She threw herself into her studies, tying up her hair as she ran her highlighter across textbook pages. She started reading classic novels she had always promised to read but never had. And she practiced strumming patterns and made tabs for new songs and checked all of the comments on Starduster and did everything except for write new songs, because she was agitated in a way that couldn't translate to music.

She was in the middle of strolling aimlessly down a line of comments on one of her older covers when she heard a knock at the door. Always less than at-ease, she jumped out of her spot on the bed.

"I'll get it," she said, glancing over to Sofia, who gave only a nod in response.

Natalie puffed out a sigh and walked to the door, wondering what maintenance worker was there or whether Mira had something to tell them. But she paused when she opened the door, taking a moment to comprehend what was happening.

Elena was leaning in the doorway of her dorm, a hint of a smile already poised on her lips.

Natalie couldn't hide her surprise, but she also couldn't hide her joy at seeing the older girl.

"Elena? What are you doing here?"

"I thought I might just stop by," she said. "I've wanted to talk to you more ever since the concert the other week, and since I haven't seen you around anywhere else, I thought I might as well stop by your dorm room to see if you were here. And you are! Well. Can I come in? I'd love to talk to you."

"Oh, of course! Please, come in. I'll...I'll pull up a chair for you, or something."

Natalie was suddenly all too self-aware. Was her room messy? Did she actually have a chair for Elena? Was her dorm cute enough? Was  _she_  cute enough? Elena was like someone from another, more elegant universe, and Natalie wanted nothing more than to keep her smiling.

She led her into the room, and Elena naturally gravitated toward an open chair in the room. Even though it was dorm room standard issue, she looked so elegant sitting there. Natalie glanced over and realized that Elena was glancing over across the room toward Sofia.

"That's my, uh, roommate. Cousin. Best friend. Sofia."

"I remember," Elena said. "Hi, Sofia."

Sofia glanced up from her book and gave a slight nod before her gaze drifted back down. Elena knew what this meant, and immediately shifted all of her attention to Natalie - Sofia might not have existed. And Sofia was used to that feeling, and she decided that she didn't mind.

"So..." Natalie began. She felt so blind and naïve, unsure of why Elena had come and feeling that somehow she should already know the reason why. But she wouldn't dare let the moment pass, not with Elena Keenan sitting in her room.

"So, how have you been doing this past week, since I first saw you?"

"Fine," Natalie immediately said. This, of course, was false - she had been suffering while wound up in her own thoughts. "How have you been?"

"How have I been?" Elena echoed, with the hint of a laugh in her voice. "Oh, I've been  _bored_. Lectures, lectures, lectures. I do poli sci, you know, and as much as I love it it's hard to listen to hours on hours of theory when there's so much happening in the world. Boring. But I have plans now that it's the weekend..."

"That's good to hear," Natalie chirped. And she felt as the room turned to silence, and silently cursed herself for not having more to say. But she didn't have to worry for long - Elena, of course, picked up the conversation as naturally as though it had never dropped.

"You know, I've been talking to my brother, and he keeps bringing you up. Seems like you made quite the impression."

Natalie felt heat rising up in her cheeks.

"He has?"

"Yes, he has. And he mentioned that he'd love to see you at the party tonight, which is part of reason I'm here."

"Oh. Oh," Natalie said. She couldn't think of anything else to say. But she tried. "Yes, I think he mentioned something about a party when I talked to him..."

"So?"

"So what?"

"So do you think you're going to come?"

"Oh, I don't know...I'm not much of a party girl, and it's pretty short notice...I don't know if I'll-"

"You have to come to the party tonight, you have to!" Elena said, her voice nearly raising to a squeal. "It's at Adam's fraternity, they always have the best parties."

She smiled one of her signature smiles, the brilliant radiance she afforded to everybody. Seeing this smile, Natalie felt almost helpless to resist.

"I...I don't know if I have the right clothes or makeup for a party..." Natalie managed to stutter out. "I mean...I don't really know how to do my makeup for a party...not a...real, college party."

"Well, that's no problem! I could do your makeup for you, teach you a bit along the way."

"Oh!" Natalie exclaimed. "Well, then..."

"Come with me," Elena said. "That's why I came here, to ask you to come with me to this party. So. What do you say?"

With Elena near, telling her precisely what was good and right, Natalie's torment seemed to fade away. All of the confusing emotions and indecision melted away to a feeling of glee.

"Yes. Let's go."

\- - - - -

"Gold...gold will look so perfect for you. I don't know if I have a deep enough gold highlighter, but I'm sure I have an eyeshadow somewhere..."

Elena was pacing around, glancing time and time again to Natalie's face, sorting through the bag of makeup she had pulled out and set on the table. Natalie couldn't help but smile seeing Elena this way, thinking how wonderful she was, how she had so quickly become a new friend.

"Should I be taking notes?" Natalie asked. "I don't want to forget any of your expertise."

"Mm. I don't think you'll need to, I think you'll remember the few things I do. You'll be so easy to make pretty because you're already so pretty!"

Natalie couldn't hold back a smile. She could listen to Elena all day, especially if Elena was being so sweet and complimentary to her. The sound of Elena's heels (she was already wearing heels in preparation for the party, it was so strange and glamorous to Natalie) quickly became comforting, as she paced around trying to figure out exactly what to do.

"I'll be right back. I need to go dive into my bigger collection. Get something special for you."

"Okay!" Natalie replied. She would wait oh-so-patiently for Elena's return. She felt so happy and certain all of a sudden that she didn't know what to do with herself but sit there and smile.

Cierra walked into her apartment, ready to make a beeline to the couch to study and then eventually nap because she wasn't interested in doing anything else. But she stopped with a start when she saw Natalie sitting there at her table, surrounded by an array of cosmetics.

"Cierra!" Natalie exclaimed. "You should come to the party with us."

"Party?" Cierra echoed. "Us? Natalie, what are you doing here?"

"Oh, oh, sorry - Elena brought me over here. She's helping to do my makeup for the party. Oh wait, I didn't explain that - we're going to the party over at Adam's fraternity. You should come! I haven't spent time with you in ages, I think it would be fun..."

"No, no, I have to study." Cierra brought out her typical excuse, and headed over to the couch to do just that. Natalie didn't bother her. Elena, on the other hand...

"Where is Elena, anyway?"

"She's going to get me some more makeup. Something from her collection."

"Oh. Makes sense."

With that, Cierra flipped open her book and started to read. Or at least she tried. But she could feel Natalie's eyes on her, and knew that their conversation wasn't quite over yet. Sure enough, Natalie piped up again.

"You used to wear makeup all the time, and you were so good at it, and I'm sure you still are but I wish you would do it because you're so good at it. And then you could teach me about it."

"I just don't really have the time for makeup," Cierra replied. "Or the energy. But maybe one day."

"Mm, yes, and then you can teach me how to do perfect winged eyeliner."

Cierra thought about how winged eyeliner made eyes look bigger, and how Natalie's eyes were certainly big enough with winged eyeliner.

"Maybe I will."

"I mean, if you weren't busy right now you could teach me."

She was leaning over the top of her chair with her chin on her hands, just like she had been in the library. Her eyes were just as wide open and gleaming. Looking at her, so empty and ready for something or everything, Cierra felt the same confusion from a few days ago.

And then it snapped. God. She had a crush on Natalie.

For a moment, the possibilities flashed before her eyes. Bright shared smiles, stargazing together, white lace and tulle, a house with a dog, a life together.

But just as quickly, her mind shifted itself back to reality. Natalie was in love with Andrew, and even if she wasn't, she was straight. And even if she wasn't, she wouldn't be interested because Cierra was fat. And if even if she didn't care, she wouldn't be interested because Cierra wasn't pretty.

In the span of a few seconds, Cierra felt giddy delight and numb despair. She, of course, ended on the latter.

And, to make matters worse, the object of her affections was still sitting to the side with wide eyes and chin on her hands, oblivious to anything inside of Cierra's head.

As if snapped back to reality, Cierra suddenly felt uncomfortably aware of herself and her silence. Fortunately, the clipping of Elena's heels made Natalie turn around.

"I hope I wasn't gone too long," Elena said. "I've got enough a collection that I need to do some digging to find exactly what I need."

"Oh, no. Cierra and I were just talking a bit."

After a brief moment of relief at feeling that she could go alone and unnoticed with her own thoughts, Cierra was now pulled right back into the spotlight, with both Natalie and Elena staring right at her. In a desperate attempt to divert attention from herself, Cierra pointed out that Natalie knew some French and that Elena was a French minor. Elena seemed delighted by this fact about Natalie, her beautiful face lighting up completely.

" _Oh, vous connaissez le français aussi! Pensez-vous que vous allez suivre des cours de français ici à l'université_?"

Natalie, flustered by this sudden barrage of foreign language, felt that her few years of classes weren't enough to prepare her for this moment and that she suddenly could not remember any French at all. She didn't speak. She only threw her face into her hands and shook her head, dismissing the moment. Then, raising her head back up, she glanced over at Cierra with a look that said, "You betrayed me by throwing me into this mess. Now you have to pity me and share my embarrassment."

"Well, I certainly feel embarrased," Cierra thought. "But not for the reason she's thinking."

"I, uh, I'm sorry. I'm not...not very good at the speaking," Natalie said.

"Oh, it's no problem. It took me ages until I was any good at speaking, it's a wonder that I can speak it at all now."

With that settled, she started the process of getting Natalie all made up for the party. She moved quickly - partially because she was skilled, and partially because she felt there was little needed to enhance Natalie's natural beauty. Almost subconsciously, her lips stayed poised in a subtle smile as she gazed at this fluttering girl who listened so closely to her every word.

With a start, Cierra realized she could recognize the look in Elena's eyes. It was one she had seen and tried to ignore many times before - the look of Elena searching for someone new to fall for, searching for someone who would shower her in adoration and attention, if only for one night.

Immediately Cierra was filled with a sense that she should keep Natalie with her. Partially jealousy, partially desire for her well-being, she wanted to keep Natalie as far away from this party and from Elena and all of her friends and their wildness.

And she thought for a moment that she might do it. She might tell Natalie to stay, and Natalie might say yes, and they would talk and laugh and understand each other in ways that they both needed.

But all of that seemed like a pipe dream. Natalie wanted to go to this party, she would never agree to stay behind while Elena purred about how she needed to go to the party.

Why should she deny Natalie happiness? If she'd never get any reciprocated feelings from Natalie, the best Cierra could wish for was Natalie's happiness.

And Natalie certainly looked happy, sitting far away from Cierra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this is a day late - i fell asleep and proceeded to fall beyond the boundaries of time yesterday, and thus didn't really have enough consciousness to do anything. indeed. but this chapter was inspired by someone i met who immediately became helene/elena in my mind, who shaped my understanding of this character just by existing. and then also one time where my family tried to force me to speak spanish in a mexican restaurant and i was not prepared. so.


	12. the party

Natalie felt stunning, and she was sure she was. Everything seemed so picture perfect now, on her way to her first real college party next to a new, utterly glamorous friend. It was perfect and so foreign and utterly wonderful, forcing Natalie's lips always into a smile.

And she knew that smile was stunning too. Oh, it was all so new, all so good in ways she could barely understand or say. It didn't matter if it made sense. It was happening, and she was happy.

Elena glowed at her. Natalie didn't want that to end, never, never, never. Elena glowed when she finished the makeup, when she guided Natalie to the car, when she parked and led the way. Part of it was natural, her typical state of being, but there was certainly a part entirely reserved to her new companion, who seemed to respond so entirely to her glowing.

The two shining girls approached the door together, but Natalie found herself hesitating. Out went the excitement of such a new and wonderful opportunity, and in came a discomfort she couldn't verbalize.

Something about walking into the dimly lit but awfully loud drove a sense of fear into Natalie's heart. Oh, she'd never been much of one for parties. Not parties like this one. PG-rated graduation parties out in the sun with lemonade and Polaroids were what she knew best. But this? This was a college party, foreign territory.

She assumed she would follow Elena, talk to Elena. But there were so many people, chattering and laughing and sighing, that Natalie soon lost touch. Now she had no one to guide her, no one to keep her in touch with what was happening and who was happening.

If she wasn't feeling so confused, Natalie might've burst into tears. All this excitement over going to a party, all of the vanity and glowing, now turned sour. And she was alone. She knew parties were meant to be spent with people but Elena was gone and she didn't know anybody else. Standing in the center of a crowd, then, just reminded her of the haze she felt during that one awful concert, and started to give her that awful headache.

She found herself to the side of the punch bowl she was told always to avoid and never to drink out of, and then felt so awkward and strange and foreign that she ended up drinking from that punch bowl she was told always to avoid and never to drink from. It was...less than good. Actually maybe very awful.

Natalie wasn't used to alcohol, not one bit, and now that fact was immediately becoming apparent. She mentally chastised herself for drinking  _anything_ , let alone from the punch bowl. But this dizziness and anger couldn't bring her out of shell, out of her corner. She remained stuck there, feeling paralyzed and hoping for once in her life that no one would notice her in her sorry state.

Everyone, spread out with their chatter and their dancing and their plastic cups across a floor too dark to see, seemed ruthless and irate, edging out a stranger like Natalie from their fits of joy. And it also almost seemed like they were moving in slow motion, like Natalie was stuck in time. Oh, it was awful...but it was also ethereal and enticing. If only she could join it. If only it didn't scare her so much.

Should she text someone to drive her home? Would she want to face Sofia, or Mira? Well, she  _could_ face Sofia, not Mira at all. Or maybe it would be better to contact someone like Cierra. Cierra wouldn't judge her, or maybe she would...

Suddenly that didn't matter, because the most enticing of all had just entered her vision. Adam, Adam Keenan, the one she had been waiting for even though she hadn't ever had that thought consciously. Of course she came for him. Of course she was waiting for him. Of course that was the entire reason why she was here.

He noticed her almost immediately, and that detail filled her with delight and vanity. Yes. That was why he was here. He was here because she was here and it was so simple and entrancing. A smile curled across her lips as Adam approached her and she watched every step, her heart palpitating as he drew nearer.

"Natalie..." he said, his voice somehow quite soft but loud enough to hear over the crowd.

"Adam," she said. "I was hoping I would see you here."

"And I was hoping the exact same thing about you. Can't say I was sure you would come - I didn't exactly give you a formal invitation back during the concert, but it seems like my sister passed the word along."

"She did," Natalie said. Oh, she had nearly forgotten about Elena. "She was the one who brought me here. Maybe we should go find her-"

"-no, no. I like just talking to you. Just the two of us, you know?"

"Oh," Natalie breathed. "Oh, okay." And then all of her words escaped. He was so different, so different from anyone she had ever known. It wasn't just because he was handsome in a way she didn't think she'd see in a fellow college student. There was just... _something_  about him.

"Yeah, don't worry about Elena. She's very popular, she won't have a problem finding someone to talk to. So it can just be the two of us over here."

"Whatever you say, then," Natalie said, nodding. Goodness. He was close to her. Sure, yes, it was crowded on the floor but that was why she had stuck herself in a corner next to a table with a punch bowl. He was so close to her because...well, he wanted to be. That was the only explanation.

"Natalie, has anyone ever told you that you're beautiful?"

"Oh..."

"Because it's true. You know, you're probably one of the most beautiful people I ever met."

Natalie was choking on her words.

"And, and you're sweet. So...so...not like a lot of the people around here. Not sure you're like anyone I've met."

Hearing this from someone she suddenly remembered was little more than a stranger made Natalie shrink back into herself.

"You should know. You should know that I have a boyfriend, Andrew. Andrew Boles, we've been dating for years..."

"Well, he's not here now with you, is he?" Adam said, giving a slight laugh that only served to confuse Natalie further.

"No, he's studying abroad. I'm waiting for him to come back from France, and you should know that I am waiting for him."

"Ah, okay, okay. Whatever you say."

Natalie's eyes flicked around.

"I'm not joking, you know. I'm being serious about this."

"I didn't think you were joking about it," he replied, shaking his head. "I just don't want to talk about your boyfriend. Because right now it's just the two of us. So why does he matter?"

"Well, we've been dating for a few years..."

"Do you not feel what's happening here? Now?" Adam pressed. "Because what's already happened is in the past, and whenever he's coming back is in the future. Natalie, think about what you're feeling, right now."

Natalie wanted to say that she didn't know how she was feeling right now.

She didn't. Was he supposed to be talking about this all so frankly? Was she supposed to be listening or saying something else to turn herself away from the situation? Oh, what was she even doing?

"I don't know," she mumbled.

"What? You don't know? Don't know what?"

"I don't know what's happening right now, I just..."

"Just don't worry. Don't worry about it, because we can just talk and be together, yeah?"

It seemed like he had gotten closer somehow. Maybe he was leaning in toward Natalie. Maybe.

Something snapped. This was wrong, wasn't it? She was doing something wrong. This was wrong, being here with Adam and flirting. Yes, yes, that made sense.

"Listen, I...I have to go," Natalie said. "I have...I have to work on something..."

"Oh, that's a shame," Adam said. But his tone told Natalie that he knew this was a hollow excuse. She had nothing to work on, not at all.

"Yeah, I...I...I'm sorry," she stuttered out. "This party is wonderful, really, I just-"

"Natalie, Natalie, don't worry about whatever it is that you need to work on," he said. "Don't worry about it. Just stay here, if only for a few minutes."

"No, I really should go..."

"Natalie," he said, grabbing her arm. "Please, stay here, for me. I mean, if it's really so important, just tell me what you-"

"-it doesn't matter, but I-"

She tried to pull away but his grip was too strong.

"Five minutes. Five minutes, okay?"

"Adam, I'm sorry, but I-"

Adam didn't give her a choice or a chance. He simply tugged on her arm so that she stumbled forward and into his arms.

He was kissing her. Oh. Oh! And she was kissing him back. Yes, yes, she would kiss him back, of course she was kissing him back because this was what she had wanted since she met him and it was perfect. All of the worry and fear and shame melted away.

For a moment, everything appeared in perfect clarity. She would miss that moment later on, that one second where everything made sense.

Natalie needed Adam. And he needed her. That was clear. Everything she had suspected, everything she had felt for him since that first meeting at the concert, was true. And she felt that she was entirely at his mercy, but he was just as much enraptured by her.

With this moment passing and settling into her skin, Natalie launched herself back into the embrace and kissed him back, fully and completely instead of passively like before. He deserved that. Adam deserved that.

Time finally unfroze and the two pulled away from each other. To everyone else they just looked like another couple making out in a dark corner. But to Natalie, something high and barely understandable had just happened.

Adam smiled at her, and that smile made her breath feel so much sharper. Every sense, every feeling her body was suddenly on edge. It was so much, so much for her to take in, but at least her world in that moment was Adam. Oh, Adam.

Earlier that evening she had felt trapped in the corner, like everyone else was sticking her there and making certain that she couldn't come out. But now, now that Adam was there with his arms around her, she felt that it was a privilege to be there, and that everyone else should be jealous of that corner.

"What do you say now, Natalie?" he asked, beaming down at her. "Will you stay?"

"Of course," she exclaimed, wanting to keep that wide smile perched upon those lips she had just kissed. "Of course."

\- - - - -

Natalie felt like she couldn't fall asleep, staring at the ceiling with her eyes gradually adjusting to the lack of light. Her heart was fluttering, fluttering, fluttering.

She called it love. She didn't know what else it could possibly be. She didn't know how else to explain the fact that she was lying naked beside a man who was not her boyfriend. If she stuck to that thought and thought love, love, love, everything seemed clear enough.

That night all seemed such a blur now, looking back. Elena, everything with her earlier that day, was like remembering an average dream. Then that first part of the party, so awful and isolated...and then Adam. And his looks. And his words. And his kisses.

Everything happened so quickly, so dizzily. She had stayed for Adam. She had given everything for Adam, just to lay awake and feel her heart fluttering, fluttering, fluttering.

She had only one question for herself - if this was love, the love she had never felt for Andrew, then why didn't she feel happy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think the main inspiration for this other than the obvious "the ball" (aka one of my favorite and most underrated parts of comet) is senior prom where i went to go dance and felt so fake and weird even though i was having fun. it was kind of a lot surreal. i don't do parties. anyway. thank you for your support and patience for when i'm too busy napping or making fun of star wars "leaks" on fridays. i love y'all.


	13. messages

Natalie woke up late that next morning, having stumbled back across campus in the middle of the night filled with a levity that she couldn't name. She couldn't make Mira and Sofia worry that much, no, but it also hurt her to leave Adam behind. She ended up back in her own dorm room with a sigh, feeling as if her soul was as ruffled up as her hair. And then she had slept for hours upon hours upon hours, and it was glorious.

She felt less confused than she had the previous night, maybe because everything felt blurry and surreal and just quite out of reach. It wasn't happening anymore. It had just happened, and that made it make sense even though nothing was clearer. And that, in and of itself, was comforting and filled her with warmth.

Sofia wasn't there, which she thought was probably a good thing, as certainly Sofia would've noticed that she had been gone for so long the previous night and she wanted to keep something of a secret. Sofia gone also meant she was out getting something, out doing her own thing and generally making life better.

So Natalie didn't have to talk at all, and she stretched herself out and let out a sigh. What should she do, on this sunlit morning? How should she go about her day as if nothing had changed when it felt like everything had changed

Her phone was flooded with text messages, which was unusual for her. Every few seconds, or so it seemed, another message would light up her phone. Just watching it was amusing enough, and so for a minute she just let the light show play and let it make her smile. A part of her wondered if she could just watch it go, if it would ever stop.

But then curiosity got the better of her, as it always did. She pounced toward the phone, picking it up as if she was hungry for it. What  _was_  happening, anyway? She wasn't expecting to have her phone blow up, not at all. Certainly there had to be a reason.

She saw countless texts from Adam and felt her heart melt. Oh, so much had happened. So much had happened and now he wanted to talk to her and consume every moment of her day and she loved it. Oh, it made her heart beat to see his name on her screen over and over again.

But it also reminded her that she was in the middle of a crisis, and he was the center of that middle. Had she forgotten that? No, not when the confusion started coming back to her. But it did seem that the world had forgotten that there was any struggle going on. The world just kept turning, and Adam just kept sending her texts.

But, perched closer to the bottom of her notifications, was a wall of text from none other than Mary Boles. Not the Boles she wanted to hear from. Well, she wasn't sure how she felt about hearing from Andrew, but she tried not to think too much around that.

The idea of reading Mary's text in full made her feel impatient. Why would she want to read what Mary had to say when there were words upon words from the boy she was inevitably intertwined with? But, again, curiosity ended up flowing through her. Surely introvert of all introverts Mary wouldn't send out a text without a reason.

Or maybe she would. Maybe she was just lonely and wanted some sort of social interaction. Maybe.

**Hello, Natalie. I wanted to say hello and say sorry for everything that happened the other day. I should have known my father was going to get out of control. He has always been like that, but it got much worse when he got sick. That's probably why Andrew never took you to meet him or me. But no matter what he says or thinks, I want you to know that I was glad you came to dinner and I hope we can meet again. It is difficult living at home and commuting to college, and often lonely. It was so nice to have someone to talk to even if it was just one dinner. It's easy to see why my brother loves you so much. Please let me know if you can come back and see me again. It doesn't have to be at my house, but I want to talk to you again as soon as possible.**

Oh. Oh, Mary. Almost any other day, Natalie might've felt pity and sympathy for her. But seeing this made her stomach turn. She could no longer choose to ignore Andrew's love while she was trying to figure out her own. In fact, she had felt more or less happy when she was free to think only about the night before, her time with Adam, his endless texts streaming in and making her laugh.

Instead she started to feel angry at Mary, even though her inner crisis was far from Mary's fault. Mary was the one who had made her think about it again, with this massive and strange text. It was all true, all things meant without a hint of aggression - not that Natalie thought Mary could really muster up aggression.

But now Natalie's mind swirled with the thoughts of two men, so very different. Adam, Andrew, Andrew, Adam. Could she have feelings for both of them, somehow? That was how it felt. Was that even allowed? Or had she already chosen, really, through last night, sleeping with one and forgetting the other existed? It was terrible to think that she had to choose, more terrible to think she had already made a choice.

Natalie poised her fingers over the tiny phone keyboard to create a response. But she froze, immediately. Oh. What was she supposed to say? How was anyone supposed to reply to that, especially someone who was currently in the midst of a crisis?

With this thought engulfing her, she quickly backed out of the text from Mary, intending to move on and finally see everything that Adam had been texting about this whole time. To think she had been  _excited_ about that earlier. Now it just seemed to make things muddier.

She glanced at her new messages, some of the notifications popping back up as if to mock her, reminding her she hadn't even read what Adam had to say yet.

And then, one simple word from Cierra Beske.

**hey**

Seeing this, Natalie's mind quickly flicked to the fact that Cierra was Andrew's best friend. And she didn't know what to do or think about Andrew. But now that the idea had been introduced, she couldn't think of anything but Andrew. And then Adam. And about how confused she was about both of them.

She opened it, wondering if Cierra would have any advice. But then she realized that she hadn't told anyone about Adam yet and she wasn't sure what Cierra would think, especially considering that Adam was Elena's brother and of course, of course, Cierra was also Andrew's best friend.

No. Cierra was too involved, even though she didn't know any part of what was going on. Natalie locked her phone and laid back down for a moment, trying to clear her head.

Cierra saw the tiny text proclaiming that her message had been read by Natalie. She didn't however, see any bubble popping up to show that Natalie had any sort of response.

Oh. Okay. It had only taken every ounce of courage she could muster in her tired, tired mind to send that text. Three characters that opened up a door for so much more.

Except, of course, Natalie hadn't made any kind of response.

No, that wasn't true. She had responded loudly and clearly with reading the message but neglecting to reply. So Cierra decided it wasn't worth it to push it any further. It would only make her feel worse, even though she just wanted someone to talk to. She felt more alone than ever, and she wasn't sure how and if getting a text from someone would even help her.

But she still hoped. She was trying to do whatever possible to connect with someone, somehow. She knew that was what she needed, but the problem felt so out of her hands. She needed someone else, which meant she needed to rely on the whims and wants of someone else.

What about Andrew? Should she text Andrew?

Oh wait. No. That would be weird. The only thing that stuck to Cierra's mind and made her heart beat was the thought of Natalie...and she wouldn't dare talk about that to Natalie's boyfriend.

So there was no one, it seemed. She tried not to let that idea consume her too much, but it was difficult to ignore her feelings when she had no one to distract her.

It seemed certain that Natalie was off doing some interesting and wonderful thing that had nothing to do with Cierra. Surely Andrew was doing something utterly enjoyable, living out something better in France in his last few weeks.

They didn't need her. No one did. But she needed them, it seemed.

Natalie reminded herself that she needed to respond to Adam. He had sent so many messages, so many proclamations of feelings that she had wanted so desperately. He was so charming, so alluring, as if he always knew exactly what to say to make her pulse increase dramatically.

He really didn't wait to say what he was thinking. Straightforward, of course, and he always went for what he wanted and so he so often got it.

Natalie giggled because so many of the texts were just her name. She didn't understand why seeing her own name repeated time and time again in lowercase text would bring her such joy. But knowing it came from Adam...

**natalie**

**natalie**

**natalie**

It was adorable. It was a soft side to Adam's unconscious intensity, caused entirely by his good looks. And it only convinced Natalie that she was in love with him, with every facet of him that she could find and devour.

But there was nothing something more, written in snippets and with ideas that didn't quite follow an easy line of logic. It was simple enough to decipher, however.

He was laying out plans. Loose, uncertain plans, flavored with expressions of admiration and something almost melodramatic that it would've made her laugh in almost any other concept.

He told her that he had wanted to leave Moscoe University ever since he came, not because there was something so wrong with it but because he just wanted to experience more of life. He had wanted to run away, take whatever money and belongings he could and just live moment to moment. When he talked about it, it seemed so romantic and picturesque that Natalie could hardly bear it.

But that wasn't all. No. He had realized that he didn't want to go off alone. It would be better to share it with someone. And there was no one he could think of to go with that made sense to him. Until he realized he could ask Natalie.

They would run away, he said. They would be together, he said, and she would be able to break out and live just like he would. Yes, it wouldn't be the  _easiest_  thing, but no more worrying about school. Just life.

It felt too intangible to be true. It was too much of an idea that would remain abstract and a romantic concept in Natalie's mind. She wanted to give in, but her gut reaction was to resist.

**i don't know. it sounds amazing but i don't know i'll have to think about it more**

**what if i told you that im in love with you?**

A gasp nearly erupted from Natalie's mouth. Oh. Oh, he felt the same. A corrupted sense of clarity washed over her. He felt the same. He loved her, he loved her, he loved her.

Then that meant she had the answer she needed. Oh, it seemed so easy now, now that she knew...

**you do??**

**love at first sight**

Natalie almost bit back her smile, it was threatening to become so wide.

**what if i told you that i felt the same??**  she replied.  **love at first sight.**

**if you love me then say yes**

Natalie's eyes flicked back over their rather skewed conversation, with his massive number of short, sweet ideas that crept so easily into her mind. Run away, be together, love, alone, no one else. His words were so simple and plain so that they made utter sense, even though deep within Natalie felt more confused than ever.

**yes. yes i'll do it all.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because you can't modernize letters unless the letters are text messages. but text messages are powerful in a similar way because you can't see faces or hear voices...it's just the words. and you have no clue what's really behind them. anyway. i've decided to post this fic on saturdays instead of fridays (because i get super lazy and/or busy on fridays i apologize), and the fic as a whole is over 50,000 words! it's only a few thousand words from completion, which is exciting. and then i move on to the next fic...i already have an idea...


	14. sofia & natalie

Natalie was gracefully stretched out across her dorm room bed, perched between sleeping and waking in the way that can only happen in the middle of the day. She looked the epitome of how everyone saw her - sweet, innocent, happy.

Coming back into the dorm room and looking over at this sight, Sofia couldn't help but smile. This made it seem like maybe, just maybe, Natalie was feeling better enough to be this pure and absolute version of herself. Asleep. Peaceful. That was how she had seemed for ages by this point in the morning, but that was Natalie.

Soon, however, Sofia's eyes flicked over to the flickering screen of Natalie's cell phone. It would've seemed something akin to a horror movie if Sofia hadn't realized it was all because of texts. One text after another. Short, and simple, and unnecessary, most likely, but still so many of them coming all at once.

Wow. Natalie was never not popular, but this? No, no, no, this was out of control. And that, by itself, made it incredibly fascinating and intriguing.

Sofia was never much of one to pry, but curiosity was flooding through her. She didn't just  _want_  to know what was happening, she  _needed_  to. Something had changed since she had last seen Natalie awake that past afternoon. Something about Elena, or the party, or something that was out of Sofia's grasp. And because it had to do with Natalie, Sofia needed to know.

Curiosity mixed with duty mixed with shame. Sofia approached the phone just out of reach of sleeping Natalie, and picked it up while inhaling. Goodness. It was just a phone, wasn't it? Yes, she was snooping but it was just a phone and she needed to know what was going on.

She saw one name time and time again.

Adam. Adam. Adam. Adam. Adam. Adam.

Sofia hadn't even realized that Natalie even knew Adam. Yes, he had been there at that concert, pointed out. And of course yesterday Natalie had been so friendly with Elena, even though it was clear they hardly knew each other. It must've been the party, far away from where Sofia could see what was going on.

She saw names of places. Dates and times. A rather disjointed schedule of sorts. But that alone didn't make any sense. She looked, kept watching each short text pop out more information.

And then, as if it were the answer to a riddle that suddenly popped into her mind, it became clear. Natalie was going to run away with him.

Just as Sofia thought that she might remember Natalie's phone password and try to get in and look more into the conversation, Natalie shifted in her sleep. With a feeling she was caught, Sofia dropped the phone back on the table beside Natalie.

This was a mistake. The sound of clattering fully awakened Natalie, who could see through the fog of a nap cut short that Sofia had been looking at her phone.

Expecting the worst, Sofia hung her head down. But Natalie didn't seem to be upset. She barely seemed to know what was going on.

"Sofia. You're finally back," she said, half dreamily.

"Yes, I am. I went out for some coffee, should've gotten you something, but I thought you might just want to sleep..." Sofia said, feeling scattered but also as if it was possible that Natalie wasn't going to bring up the phone.

"Oh, that's fine. A nap is better for waking up than caffeine, I think."

Her gaze flickered down towards her phone, sitting there, cast down so quickly and carelessly.

"Were you looking at my phone?"

"I..."

"Did you see anything?" Natalie said, her voice falling to a hush for no good reason.

"Well..."

"Oh, you did, didn't you!" Natalie exclaimed, volume rising back up to a slightly above normal state. "So then you know. You know about Adam."

"Well, not really, I only know..."

"You know that we're in love," she continued. "We're in love, and we're going to run away together because we need to be together."

"You're in love?" Sofia choked out. "How long has...has that been going on?"

Natalie seemed rather surprised by this question, as if it wasn't a perfectly reasonable thing to ask about.

"Well, I met him at the concert and from then on I just knew. I just know, Sofia, and time isn't important for knowing."

"So you met him a few weeks ago, at most?" Sofia replied. "And you...what did you do?"

Seeing that Sofia was not supporting her in the way she wanted, Natalie started to get defensive. Maybe she didn't want to share a single detail with Sofia, if all she was going to get were questions that made her bristle.

"Listen, that all isn't important. What is important is that we're together."

"I can't listen to this," Sofia said, unable to hold back a sigh. "I can't believe what you're saying to me right now. You...you've been with Andrew for so long, and now you're going to..."

"Going to be with Adam? Who I love?"

"Going to run away with him?"

Natalie cursed the fact that she had felt so excited to share this news with Sofia. She thought she could trust Sofia, always so trustworthy Sofia. But now she was rethinking all of that. Sofia, with her sense of right and wrong, thought that this was wrong. And that was the most dangerous thing of all.

"Sofia. Sofia, please. Sofia, please, don't tell anyone and especially not anyone in our family, because it's no one's business but my own and it's not your story to tell."

"So you are going to run away with him," Sofia said. She'd gotten an answer for a question she didn't realize she was asking.

"So what if I am?" Natalie sighed. "I'm just trying to take control of my life for the first time. I've learned so much from Adam because he understands that I've been so stuck for all of time. He's trying to help me."

"But you're...running away? Just leaving everything behind, is that what you're doing?"

"Yes, exactly. Leaving everything behind, getting a fresh start."

Sofia had to resist the urge to shake her head and immediately dismiss her. That wouldn't get anything that she was thinking across, wouldn't shift Natalie's stubborn mind at all. Yet she wasn't certain if anything she said would work at all. Not with Natalie acting in such a way.

"You're dropping out of college. Now. At the end of the semester, after you've been doing so well, with your scholarship. There is nothing good that can come of that."

"I can use the channel," Natalie replied, putting all her confidence into this hollow response. "I can still make videos, and then use ad revenue to keep me going."

"Starduster?" Sofia said. "Starduster is doing great but it's not at any point where it can sustain you. You'll be living with...nothing! You and I both know you're not used to anything like that, and that's a fact!"

"Well, then maybe it's time for me to try something new, don't you think?"

"Natalie-"

"Oh, I can be an artist for the rest of my life, and I'll have him next to me and I'll be so happy with all of the dreams I didn't think I could have!"

Sofia tried not to scoff.

"That's so romantic and wonderful but it's not going to happen if you just drop everything and leave. Natalie, that's not how things work."

"And how would you know? You live your life inside of houses. Inside of libraries and classrooms. Not out there in the world, where things  _work_. So you can't say anything to me, you don't understand what I'm even talking about right now, do you?"

"I don't have to have tons of life experience to know that you're going to struggle, and it's not going to be good. You don't want this."

"You don't know what I want."

"What about Andrew?" Sofia said. "What about him? You've been dating him for ages. You're in love with him, and he's in love with you. Is that done now?"

"Sofia!" Natalie cried, as if this very sensible question somehow offended her.

"I'm serious. I've never seen you so happy as how you are with Andrew. So, is that over?"

"Well, I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen next, I only know that I'm going to live my life and stop being afraid of everything that could go wrong."

Sofia wanted to throw her hands on Natalie's shoulders and shake her until she understood. But she stayed still, feeling her shoulders pull back and tense in this moment of stress. She was fighting. She and Natalie were fighting, as they never had before. But she couldn't give it up.

"There are other ways for you to live your life, Natalie. You're just starting your life, both of us are, we're freshmen in college!"

"Don't you see, Sofia? This is it. This is everything I have ever wanted and everything I've hoped for. This is  _it_!"

"No, it's not. You never hoped to throw your life away, you never did. I don't know what Adam has said, I don't know what he's done, but he's somehow convinced you that this is what you want. I don't think you're thinking clearly, Natalie."

"I think I'm thinking perfectly clearly, Sofia."

Natalie refused to listen. It made sense, that was how Natalie had always been, but that fact made Sofia want to fight louder in hopes that it might get through. She tried her logic, she tried to understand, she tried so hard to get through.

"What has gotten you so convinced? Just a few days ago you were-"

"The past doesn't matter. It's just that I've found someone, I've found Adam, and I'm never going to be the same again. We're in love, Sofia, that's why!"

"So what?" Sofia said. "Is he really in love with you? Is that really happening, or is he just saying that?"

"He's going to run away with me. Of course he loves me."

"You don't know that, Natalie," Sofia said. "When did he say he loved you? Natalie, he knows that you...he's probably just trying to take advantage of you and this is part of it."

Her voice fell softer, trying to take away the anger and confrontation from the situation. She was only trying to speak a truth, only trying to help. Maybe softness would help her to listen.

But Natalie refused to take part in her decrescendo. No, she cried out.

"Oh my God," Natalie said, shaking her head. "You're not listening to me. You're not listening at all. You always listen but not anymore, not right now."

"I'm listening and I'm seeing that you're not thinking straight. I'm trying to help you-"

"-well, you're not helping at all! You're just making things worse, and you never should've buried your nose into it! It's not your problem, it's mine! And it's not a problem! God!"

"Natalie," Sofia said, finding herself at a loss for words.

"Don't talk to me anymore," Natalie said. "I hate you. I don't know what your problem is but God. I hate you, Sofia!"

"Natalie..."

"Ah, now you're listening!" she hissed. "Well, if that's the only way you'll listen - I hate you, and stay out of this! Just...just..."

Natalie struggling to compose words in her mouth found that she had something she needed to write. But not while Sofia was around, no. She couldn't bear to spend another moment with her. So she snatched her phone up, tossed on a coat, and stomped out of the room. The sound of Sofia's breath turning to sobs didn't seem to bother her at all. She didn't even seem to notice.

Fuming, Natalie decided that she would respond to Mary's text after all. She didn't think it was possible, that she'd be able to find an answer.

**you don't have to worry about seeing me again. i'm sorry. just forget about everything. what happens between me and andrew isn't important anymore, so you don't have to worry.**

For a few moments she wondered if this was too apologetic, that she was giving up too much of herself to the Boles family and had nothing to show for it. But she sent the text anyway, hoping that no one else would bother her for the rest of the day. Especially not Sofia.

Sofia's crying didn't subside when Natalie left. If anything, it got worse. She had run out of words, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fight! fight! fight! (that's all for this week)


	15. sofia alone

Sofia was alone.

All she had was her thoughts to listen to, her thoughts to discuss. It wasn't as if she wasn't used to this general sensation, more so that she wasn't used to what was happening to her in that moment. This was no chosen solitude. This was a forced solitude, like a punishment for a child. But Sofia knew she hadn't done anything wrong.

Natalie wasn't that cruel. Natalie wasn't cruel. She wasn't that cruel.

She kept talking about how there was something up with Sofia. Sofia was the one acting strange. But Sofia knew she hadn't changed a bit inside - it was Natalie was lost in some strange shift.

And Sofia knew why, even if she couldn't comprehend it. Somehow Natalie thought she was in love with Adam Keenan. Somehow everything Natalie had loved and held up in the brightest lights had dimmed. No more Andrew, which was bad enough.

But worse was no more Sofia. They had been through so much, been through their entire lives, but nothing had seemed so serious. Their fights had been petty and so, so very temporary. Silence lasted an evening, and would soon be patched with smiles.

This was different. They were older. And it was so serious, so awful, that Sofia didn't know what to do with herself.

For the rest of the day, she simply cried. Every time she tried to do something to console herself, she found herself so distracted by her own thoughts that she continuously threw whatever she had picked up away and then threw herself on her bed, trying not to choke from tears.

"Maybe Natalie will never come back," she thought, "and I just started the process."

For a few hours, most of the day in fact, Natalie stayed far away. Sofia didn't think about all of the possible places Natalie could've gone or what Natalie could possibly be doing, only her absence. She didn't, couldn't get used to it, even though they had spent plenty of days not spending every moment together.

But, a bit after sundown, Natalie returned. She took all precautions to make sure she didn't make eye contact with Sofia. She did glance over, a few times, likely to decide whether or not Sofia was watching her too closely or not. She decided not. Sofia struggled to look at her just as much as she struggled to look at Sofia.

They went to bed without saying a word to each other. And thus the tone of the coming week was set.

Initially, it was all pain. Like opposite ends of a magnet, the two girls seemed to repel one another. Natalie refused to speak to her and spent as much time out of the room as possible, mostly because Sofia wanted to spend as much time in possible inside, buried in her thoughts.

Every time that Natalie would glance over Sofia's heart would beat faster at the thought that maybe, just maybe, Natalie might say something and break the silence. She never did. And then she would leave the room to go to classes or the library or a cafe, maybe with friends, maybe alone. Just not with Sofia.

Sofia spent too much time in the room, thinking about how big the room felt with Natalie's absence. She cried sometimes, but always felt in an ache in the pit of her stomach, remembering Natalie crying out the word "hate," "hate," "hate." Part of her worried that maybe Natalie would never talk to her again. Or one day she would disappear completely, the plan Sofia had discovered pushed up in advance.

After that first few days, however, something shifted in Sofia. Maybe it was that she stopped pitying herself for being the object of Natalie's hatred. Maybe she realized that Natalie didn't actually mean hatred at all. The the ache in the pit in her stomach didn't go away, though. No, there was still a dreadful fear of what was to come, but it no longer focused so much on what had happened, on Sofia's own feelings.

Natalie stopped in the room more, if only to charge her phone or grab some item she had forgotten. Still she would not speak to Sofia. Sometimes she would laugh at a text, as if to remind Sofia that she was happy and Sofia was not. But this was just a show, Sofia knew, and she could see right through it in the moments where Natalie was not trying to parade the idea that she was making a good decision by aligning herself with Adam.

She saw Natalie at her core - a poor, twitching mess of a girl who didn't know how to say no. And seeing that shaking, quivering soul, Sofia knew that she had to do something.

From that point on, Sofia no longer thought of herself. Her focus was solely on Natalie and what she could do to save her from herself.

She stopped trying to think about how Natalie was wrong, about bad decisions and so forth. There was less room for judgment, more room for compassion and trying to stop a calamity before it happened. But Sofia did not stop trying to think.

The dorm room, which was normally quiet enough because Natalie would always use earbuds if she was listening to music and she wouldn't do anything else that could be too noisy, was now eerily and nearly silent at all times. It felt like Sofia's thoughts were echoing through it, especially when Natalie wasn't around to guess any of them.

Sofia tried to sort through her options, tried to figure out what she could do in order to help Natalie. She just didn't know what she had the power to do. The only time Natalie  _really_  listened to her was when Natalie was already seeking advice. That certainly wasn't going to happen. Natalie wasn't saying anything to her.

While her focus had shifted, her desire for Natalie to say more than a necessary, passive word to her never went away. How could she help out, when Natalie wouldn't let her understand what was going on in her head? When she sat down to think, Sofia found herself engulfed by this silence. But Natalie's silence forced Sofia to examine her own.

Usually it was quiet. Not silent. But now Sofia could hear every sound that she didn't make, every move that passed through her mind as an idea but never made it to her limbs, every word composed but never made audible.

That week, she was doing nothing. Yes, there were classes. Yes, there was studying and meals and alarm clocks and walking across campus. But other than that, she was doing nothing. Like an epitome of silence. Keep your mouth shut and go about your business and no one would even notice if you disappeared.

Without Natalie, Sofia didn't have anyone she felt truly comfortable talking to. Yes, Mira was kind and open, and there were a thousand acquaintances, but Natalie was really the only one. Almost sisters, they called each other. Blood bound and close for life.

Until now.

So Sofia had no one. And Natalie refused to talk to her best friend when she needed a best friend most. Both of these facts led Sofia to an overwhelming feeling of loneliness.

She didn't let it take over her mind. Instead it just stayed in the center of her chest, a reminder that Natalie wouldn't be the only one hurt if she succeeded in running away with Adam. It ached and ached and ached, and she wished it could stop long enough for her to focus entirely on how she could stop Natalie and whatever madness she was planning.

Sofia remembered that Natalie wasn't like her in this regard. Sofia was alone. Natalie had people, people who wanted to sweep her off her feet and carry her away.

Everyone always loved Natalie. Natalie was just so easy to love. Surely that was why Adam had picked her out of a crowd. She burst with life and enthusiasm and a love of the world that couldn't be taught.

Part of Sofia had always been jealous of that. She knew Natalie had her own jealousies, all towards Sofia's focus and her ability to be taken seriously. But those were all so internal, and they didn't help Sofia connect with people. No, everyone always loved Natalie, and for the longest time that was simply the way the world would turn.

Of course Adam would adore Natalie. There was no blame for that. Blame for trying to make her do things she wasn't ready for, blame for changing everything so quickly and messing with Natalie's head, yes. But his feelings towards Natalie, always so beloved? No. That was only natural.

People didn't love Sofia like that. She was agreeable and pretty enough but too quiet to make a fuss. She was a lesbian but rarely talked about it because it rarely came up. She had never dated a soul, didn't know if she could fully understand what was going on in the midst of Natalie's romance-filled mind. Sofia longed to feel wanted like that. But she resigned herself to the idea that she just hadn't met the right girl yet.

Maybe that was so. That wouldn't change the fact that Sofia was so quiet that she buried herself in a hole, made it impossible for herself to be noticed even when it was most important. She was silent not just in sound, but also in action.

It frustrated her. It made Sofia's blood boil to hear the door open and close, watch the blur of Natalie grabbing something or throw herself into the bed. Natalie was full of a movement that Sofia couldn't dare to have.

Or could she? That was the idea that she introduced to herself, the thought that maybe she was capable of things she had never done before.

It would be so  _easy_  just to sit around and do nothing but fret about where Natalie would end up. And then it would be even easier to cry and complain and wish things had turned out differently. What terrified Sofia was how much that seemed possible. She might just let everything happen and then pretend that there wasn't an opportunity to act.

That's what she'd been stuck in for the past few days, at least. Because Natalie was so different, because Natalie was sailing through life and Sofia was sitting alone, she'd let herself fall to the side. But she knew there was an opportunity to change it.

What could she do? Who could she talk to who would not only listen, but understand and help? Was there even anyone who could help?

When the answer came to her, it seemed so obvious. But Sofia knew she was on the verge of truly helping, of actually stopping Natalie from making the worst decision of her life. That was how she made herself breathe and focus as she left the dorm room empty and made her way through the hall.

There was no reason for her to feel so nervous, really. She knew Mira, she'd known Mira from the beginning of the school year, and even if Natalie was her favorite she still liked Sofia. She would listen, surely.

Maybe it was just something about confronting someone, even if it was to create something better and not at all to bring anyone down. That wasn't Sofia. She waited for someone to speak to her, and it had always worked out well enough.

But Natalie required something different. So Sofia knocked on the door, crossing her fingers that Mira was there - she was - and that she wouldn't be angry when she came to the door - of course she wasn't.

"Mira. I need to...I need to tell you something."

Mira let out a stream of air, a byproduct of stress.

"Can it wait? I'm trying to work on a paper-"

"No, it can't wait. Something...Natalie is going to do something awful and I..."

At the sound of Natalie's name, Mira flicked into complete, rigid attention.

"What? What is she going to do? Sofia, what's happening?"

"She..." Sofia paused, knowing that if she continued she would end up losing her train of thought in a bout of worry. No, she had to focus and stay true to her goal.

"Mira, I need your help. And I need it now. How well do you know Adam Keenan?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back to my infamous signature style of introspective chapters! in all sincerity, i love writing character thoughts, and adapting "sonya alone" means that introspection is pretty much required. also i love sonya/sofia so much that i felt it was important to show how she feels and why she feels that way.


	16. preparations

Adam never really planned. It was against his way of life, or so he claimed. He just  _did_  and if things went wrong he would  _do_  until everything turned out fair enough. But things felt on such a different scale now, surely he needed to plan out something. Somehow.

Or at least that was what he told others - particularly Dolsen - in an attempt to move past the nagging and the boring details. Except that it didn't usually work, particularly when it came to Dolsen.

"Adam. What are you doing?"

"I barely know. Living in the moment."

He leaned back in his chair, putting his hands behind his head to put the room at a state of ease. Partially so that he could convince himself that he was at ease.

If he was honest with himself, he wasn't at ease at all. So many elements needed to right into place for him to get away with everything. And he wanted to get away with it. He wanted everything to go easy so he could stop feeling worried and start feeling at ease again.

Dolsen could worry. Dolsen could fret all he wanted, and Adam could lay back and wait until he had to run. That was the beauty of having a friend who wanted to think through things - they could think through everything for you so that it all went as smoothly as possible.

"This is not going to work, okay? You've put in too many...variables. Like...all you have to do is have her leave the room and then just take her from there."

Exactly. He was doing all the worrying.

"Well, that's not interesting. I think she deserves better than that, and...well, there's nothing wrong with trying to treat her right."

"That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is this whole complicated plan leaves too many places for holes. And there  _are_  holes. I want to help you but you're not listening."

"Well,  _Teddy_ , maybe you're right," Adam said, smiling as he knew using his friend's real name would get him riled up enough. Surely enough, Dolsen bristled and turned away. But it was just a temporary fix to distract him, get him off of the case.

"Maybe I am," Dolsen muttered, but it was clear he had been thrown off guard for a moment. And he knew it was more than just his first name. His first name was stupid. It was just something about Adam.

"So, your plan...what's the first step?"

"We're being picked up at Elena's apartment. Makes us harder to trace on campus."

"You think we're being traced?"

"Well, you seem convinced that we're going to get caught. So it's not such a stretch to say we might be traced."

Dolsen wanted to scoff. Adam could tell, easily. They knew each other too well, at least in that way.

"It's just another way things can go wrong."

"Or another way things can go right. Look on the bright side - we're doing something wonderful here."

When Dolsen didn't automatically reply, Adam decided to press further.

"Bringing a girl to the world. Which is practically what college is for, right?"

"All I'm going to say is that I don't think you're doing this for her. Natalie. It feels like you're doing it for yourself. Especially because she barely knows you. She doesn't know what to expect, she doesn't know about Carly-"

"It doesn't matter." Finally, it seemed, Dolsen had gotten to Adam rather than the other way around. "That all isn't important. I  _am_  doing it for her, no matter what you might think. So that's the way it is. And we have to go now, anyway, so we don't need to talk about it anymore."

\- - -

"Adam's coming over," Elena called out. "He won't be here long so there's no need to fret."

Cierra didn't respond. She assumed there was no reason for her to say anything, but Elena read into it farther than she had intended.

"Oh, Cierra, do you still hate me?" Elena cooed. "How can you hate me? I'm trying to help out with something."

Cierra resisted the urge to roll her eyes at Elena's cloying words.

"Listen. I don't care what you do, Elena. Just...don't interrupt me. I'll be studying."

"Studying," Elena echoed. "As usual."

Cierra wasn't sure what Elena meant to accomplish through her words. But she wouldn't ask. She never knew what Elena meant to do. Admittedly, she didn't want Adam showing up at her door for some strange reason, but she also knew she was powerless to change it.

So while Elena didn't believe her or didn't think anything was good about it, Cierra studied.

Time didn't pass well, as Cierra never hit flow, but it passed enough for her to feel that she had accomplished some fraction of something by the time Elena ran over to the door to let Adam in. There he was, sure enough, looking flushed but happy. Excited.

And then Dolsen walked in. Cierra quickly dropped her gaze back to her books, in the hopes they would have no way or reason to interact.

She was fortunate that Dolsen wasn't interested in interacting with anyone any more than he had to, at least in the moment. But he was aware of her presence. Of course he was. He must've known which apartment he was going to, known he would find Cierra there.

She wondered if he still hated her. She wondered if he had ever hated her. She couldn't know. She couldn't ask. But the guilt from that night, the feeling that she had done something irredeemably awful and just couldn't bear living anymore, came back. So she wasn't sure she wanted Dolsen to meet her eyes.

Elena must've noticed this. The memory of her words during that awful night kept Cierra on edge. Even if Dolsen wanted to stay to himself, there was the fact that Elena knew too much. And Elena had been trying to help. She had tried to be the mediator when the real problems were too deeply internal.

And certainly she glanced between Dolsen, the boy she so easily flirted and fit with, and Cierra, the girl she was actually dating. But Cierra had to thank whatever higher power there was when Elena didn't end up saying a thing. And Cierra continued to be thankful when she faded entirely into the background, just to be ignored by those who were taking over her apartment.

Though Elena glanced among the others, it ended up being Adam that she focused her attention on. After all, he was the one who was driving this whole plan.

"When is Barker coming around?" Elena asked. Then she paused, her long lashes fluttering shut, and realized this fact meant nothing to her. "I don't understand why you have to make this so...over the top."

"That's exactly why I'm doing it," Adam replied. "To be over the top. You have to understand that I'm giving a girl her first real feeling of excitement. So why not make it over the top?"

Elena tried to avoid rolling her eyes. "Okay. Whatever you say. I guess you're nothing if not someone who does everything over the top. And I guess this is a  _special occasion_."

But it was clear that Adam knew she wasn't  _really_  giving in. And that wasn't enough for him. He needed something more, to hear and understand that he was able to change someone's mind so completely even if just for something small.

"Are you going to tell me not to do it, too?" he asked, cocking his head as he looked toward Elena.

"Who's telling you not to do it? Oh, wait-"

"Teddy, Teddy, Teddy. Knows better than the rest of us."

"Of course," Elena said, a smile pushing the corners of her lips up. "But no. I'm just going to tell you to be careful."

"I'll wear my seat belt the whole time-"

"No, be careful with  _her_. You know she's not used to anything."

"That's why I'm doing this."

Elena just barely shook her head. "She's not used to it. She can say yes but you need to make sure you aren't pushing her too far. She's a freshman. She barely knows what she's doing, so it's up to you to..."

No. He wasn't getting it. She didn't know how she could explain it to him if he didn't already understand, on some level. Well, certainly she  _could_  explain it to him, but it would take time they didn't have, more hours that he wouldn't use opening his mind.

So it was clear that she wasn't changing her mind about the situation, and he wasn't going to change his point of view either. They were twins, but

"You've always been smarter than me, so I  _guess_  I'll listen to you."

Elena didn't say another word. She knew her words were falling straight through the air, hitting Adam's ears before they flopped to the ground and vanished. She just hoped that some portion of it would affect his thoughts.

Deep down, she knew how this night was bound to end. She didn't know how it would get there, but could see clearly that it would be a disaster for everyone involved.

"So...what, exactly, is the plan, now that you're actually doing it?"

"Oh, it's simple. You already know most of it."

Elena blinked slowly.

"Literally all I know is that Barker and his golf cart is involved. And you're going to her dorm. That's it."

"Well, that's  _it_.He'll take us to her dorm, drive us back across campus to the car, and then drive us off to...anywhere. We can drink as much as we want and it won't matter. It'll be..."

"A mess," Dolsen finished, deciding it was time for him to have a say in this conversation.

On some level, Adam knew that this was serious. But he wore a smirk on his mouth, almost as if he believed it was a joke.

He glanced down at his phone, partially in an attempt to halt the conversation and partially because he was genuinely interested at what he might find there. Of course there was a long stream of notifications to scroll through - there always was something like that - but two texts in particular stood out.

One was Natalie, saying that she wanted nothing more than to run away that very night. Good. And the other...well, the other meant that it was time to go. Dolsen noticed the smile growing on Adam's lips before any words passed through - he knew exactly what it meant.

"Barker is here. Enough of all this talk."

In spite of his worries and his utter discomfort with this level of planning, Adam was excited. He was thrilled in the way he always wanted to be. Wasn't this what life was supposed to be for? And even if Elena and Dolsen were trying to hold him back, Natalie was going to go along with it.

But as much as he was prepared to stop the chatter, he realized that he wasn't ready to stop his thoughts. There was one thing missing, one thing he had woefully forgotten...

"So are you ready to go now?" Dolsen said, crossing his arms. After all of Adam's desire to go, to run out as soon as possible, now he was stalling.

"Almost, almost," Adam replied, his eyelids fluttering shut. "I just want to soak everything in. Before I go."

"Oh my God," Dolsen muttered.

"What? I'm never going to see this place again. I don't know how long it'll be before I'm back in touch with people. That's the decision I'm making but I want to say goodbye."

"Say goodbye all you want, but we're on a time-sensitive schedule," Dolsen replied. "Barker's only giving us an hour."

"We'll have plenty of time, we're not that far from campus and campus is not that small-"

"An hour," Dolsen repeated. And with a touch of finality he added, "Somehow I know this won't be the last time you're around here."

Alright then," Adam said, surprisingly not putting up any kind of fuss. "Let's go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a fun look into adam's psychology. because that wasn't really explored earlier...but now, now that natalie thinks she knows adam, it's good to see who he actually is. also fun with dolsen, elena, and just a peek of cierra - most of those characters i don't get to interact with much, and the one i do i only mention for a few moments. anyway, it's a good time! just how adam would want.


	17. the abduction

Natalie said that she was going to the bathroom.

It was an easy excuse, an easy way to get out of the room when she knew that Sofia knew too much and might suspect something. It was too late at night for her not to give any kind of excuse for leaving the room. But it was easy to say she was going to the bathroom, easy to take her phone and then move toward the stairwell when she was certain no one was watching.

She had to resist the urge to run. It would make too much sound, when the last thing she wanted to do was have someone question her before she made it outside. She just needed to make it outside, sail into Adam's arms...

Natalie was very much sober but the thought of it all made her feel drunk. This was the life she was choosing for herself. This was the way she needed her life to be.

This was it. This was it. This was everything she had wanted, everything that had formed that gap in her life before. She needed this freedom and without Adam she would've been stuck in a dorm room without it. She would write songs for him for this, sing him a million melodies.

And she was certain he would listen. Him and everyone else. But she didn't need anyone else, not anymore. It would be the two of them. It just made sense. It just felt right. It was it.

As if that wasn't good enough, everything was going right. All of the things she had worried about when she first realized she was running out in the middle of the night at a place where people were always awake in the middle of the night weren't an issue. But she always made certain she looked like she knew what she was doing and how she needed to do it.

(She didn't, of course. She was walking on a tightrope. Still no one questioned her.)

And just like that, she was gone. It was that simple to do what she wanted.

It took Sofia ten minutes to realize that things were completely out of hand.

Sofia had Mira on edge along with her, but something had gotten lost in their plans to stop Natalie. Something about keeping things in theory made it feel terrifying but distant, almost like it wouldn't actually happen and Natalie would be too afraid to actually do it.

For the night, and those vital ten minutes, all had been so intense and wound up that surely nothing would actually end up happening. That was how it felt.

But ten minutes later. Ten minutes after Natalie had so easily slipped out. Then Sofia's clenched fists and shuddered breathing gave way to a pounding heart. She just about ran to the other side of the hall, to Mira's cracked open door. Mira knew what she was going to say before a word came out.

"Mira. Mira, Natalie's gone. I didn't think-"

"Shut up," Mira said.

"She told me she was going to the bathroom, I should've known, but I-"

"Shut up," Mira repeated, pressing a hand to her head. "You can tell me later. Get your phone and jacket now.  _Now._  We have to go right now."

If Mira hadn't put her hand on the small of Sofia's back and physically pushed her outside, Sofia would've just hesitated and stood there. She knew she needed to act. That was what she had done when she went to Mira in the first place. Now the shock was setting in, the realization that after she had done to try and make sure things wouldn't happen that they were happening anyway...

Sofia wanted to start screaming, wanted to start crying because she didn't know where Natalie was and she didn't know where to find her. She never screamed, never cried, not like this. But this wasn't normal.

"Go get your phone and jacket," Mira prompted, once again. Sofia took a few steps back down the hallway and paused. It was only once her mind felt almost numb from the overwhelm of emotion that she could force herself to do such a simple task. She returned as quickly as she could, opened her mouth to say she was ready to go, and found herself bursting into tears.

Mira let out a sigh of sympathy, the one bit of sympathy and pause she could allow.

"We need to stay calm," Mira said. "We need to-"

But she cut herself off, too caught up in her own stress and frenzy to even speak of peace. She didn't speak out anymore because she knew her words would not be helpful, and instead just took Sofia's arm to guide her and keep them at somewhat of a similar pace.

The two decided that, between the overwhelming waves of emotion and shame that coursed through them, talking should be kept to a minimum. This was decided by their near silence, of course. What they did say was questions with answers that were impossible.

"Where is she?"

"Are we too late?"

"Did she say anything more?"

"What do you think she's doing?"

Natalie became the she, nameless now that she had escaped. But Mira and Sofia would get her back, name and all. They couldn't bear to think of what the alternatives might be.

They were checking everywhere it could make sense to check. Sofia's mind immediately jumped to the idea that they were desperately too late, that because they hadn't caught it immediately they hadn't caught it at all. It seemed more than likely that Natalie was gone entirely, far away from campus where they couldn't track her down or find her.

Mira always sighed when there was no sign of Natalie. They had to move quickly, never linger in a place for long, otherwise there was the possibility that they  _had_  been fast enough when it came to reacting and then took too long in finding.

"I don't think she's on campus anymore," Mira finally said, expecting no reply out of the utterly overwhelmed and perhaps more quiet than usual Sofia. She did not get a response.

"Well, I guess let's head to my car...there's a few places off-campus that might make sense, and we shouldn't spend any more time around here..."

Mira spoke without urgency. She sounded tired instead. Going to the car was indeed a good idea, one that she desperately wanted to help the situation, but she had no faith in it. If Natalie wasn't on campus, then it seemed she could be anywhere in the world. she could be places that Mira didn't know, places she couldn't reach.

But as they entered the parking garage, Sofia let out a gasp.

They were there. Adam, Dolsen, and Natalie. Natalie wrapped in Adam's arms, a melting smile on her mouth.

"Hey!" Mira called out, not sure what to say next but feeling certain she had to make her presence known. She moved forward, and Sofia followed behind trying to hide her fear and apprehension.

Natalie didn't react. Not unlike those surrounded her, she seemed like she was moving through mud. Her speech, punctuated with liquid laughter, was slurred and empty.

It wasn't Natalie, Sofia thought. The girl she saw in front of her didn't have light in her eyes.

Dolsen and Adam, on the other hand, immediately found themselves leaping onto their feet, trying to distance themselves from Natalie and the situation. They knew they had been caught.

But this action led Natalie to believe that all was lost, that she was so soon and quickly abandoned. She whimpered slightly, ready to burst into tears if something didn't change.

Her lips parted to begin forming Adam's name, but she didn't have to speak out before Adam came back to gently take her arms and make her face him.

"Get away from her!" Mira called out.

"Woah, woah, woah, no need to freak out," Adam responded, taking a few steps away from Natalie anyway.

"Let her go now, leave, and then you won't have to worry. But stay here another moment and I promise I will find ways to make your life a living hell."

It was only now that Natalie seemed to fathom what was happening, and her previous dripping delight now changed to a fury that she could hardly imagine in her sober state. She realized who the two women across the way were, realized that they were trying to take her away, and she wouldn't have any of it.

She grabbed Adam's face and attached their lips together. He was clearly pleased by this, melting into the embrace. But there was tension filling every part of her body. This was not sweet or warm, it was rebellious.

"Natalie," Mira said. "Natalie, get away from him. We're going back to the dorm."

Natalie said nothing, only shook her head violently once she broke away from her embrace.

"She wants to go with me!" Adam called out. "Who are you to make decisions for her?"

"She's drunk! She can barely speak! She can't make any decisions!"

"Okay then, okay then, whatever you say."

His apparent exasperation led to rage rising up in Mira. Sofia, on the other hand, didn't seem to respond. She didn't feel like she could.

"Just...just let her speak," Adam said. "If you're so sure she doesn't want to be here, let her say so herself."

"Fine then," Mira said, painting a smile across her lips that contrasted with the flames in her eyes. "Natalie, tell me what's going on."

"What does it look like?" Natalie replied, forcing out a laugh. "I'm leaving. I'm leaving, that's what's happening. And I want to go, I want to...

"What do you want?" Adam said.

"I want to lay down," Natalie murmured, and there seemed to be a subtle shift within everyone around, moving toward her to provide some kind of support. Once again, Adam's arms wrapped around her, something Mira could not bear to see.

"Let her go or I call the police."

Adam scoffed. "The police? We're not doing anything wrong. We even have a driver."

"Natalie's only eighteen. And I'm guessing you're not twenty one either."

"Like that matters."

"I'm an RA. Of course it matters. It's my fucking job."

"Okay, fine," he said, rolling his eyes and positioning himself so that Natalie was facing away from Mira and Sofia and only seeing him.

"You don't believe me?" Mira said, putting on a sickly sweet smile. "Okay. Here it goes."

She raised up her phone and typed in the number by heart. As the call connected, she hit the speaker option. Adam could call it a bluff as much as he wanted. She would prove it was all too real.

"Campus police. What are you calling for?"

Immediately, Adam blanched. But this wasn't enough for Mira.

"Hello, yes, I'm an RA in the Peter dorms, fourth floor, and I have several underage students who are drunk."

"Are you currently at the dorms, or are you elsewhere on campus?"

Mira started rattling off their current location, glancing up to see Adam getting more and more distressed by the moment. If she wasn't fuming, it would be amusing. She noted that Dolsen didn't seem so overwhelmed - he just seemed annoyed, like he knew this was always coming.

It was so simple for Mira. It was what she had been trained for, after all. People assumed that the RAs would never go so far, and maybe usually they wouldn't. But this was quite the special occasion.

"Thank you," she said, painting her face into a sickly sweet smile meant to mean everything to Adam, if only he was paying attention.

Adam muttered a swear under his breath.

"You do know they can get here awfully quickly. And if they don't, all I need is the license plate number..."

Adam let go of Natalie, taking his once warm arms away and leaving her cold.

"I'll come back for you as soon as I can," he whispered to her. "Just wait for me."

Natalie didn't say anything. She couldn't even nod. All she knew is that now instead of Adam's arms around her, she felt the hands of Mira and Sofia on her wrists, pulling her away, making everything more blurry than it should be.

All that she knew is that it was too late for her to say no. She had already said it, screamed it, and they hadn't listened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is, uh, semi-inspired by actually being in college. not so much that anything like this has happened to me but more so that i actually know policies and such better. anyway. i haven't been outside late except after seeing shows and i don't plan to because campus is scary in the dark. natalie should feel the same.


	18. in my hall

Natalie was silent the way back to the dorms. Several times Sofia reached and tried to touch her hands or her shoulder or her arm or something to provide comfort. Every time Natalie violently pulled herself away.

Each time this happened - and it surely happened several times - a part of Sofia would react as if it was entirely new, as if she couldn't understand what was happening. There was something inherently shocking in the way Natalie acted that it was impossible for her to swallow it. But at the same time, it was all behavior she had seen before. The screams and the rebellion were just too fresh to push away.

Both Mira and Sofia wondered, silently, if Natalie would even try to speak again for the rest of the night. Maybe she refused to give them the privilege of hearing her voice, her explanation.

Sofia felt that she already knew too much and maybe any explanation was unnecessary. Yes, Natalie was coming home safely. But they hadn't stopped her from stepping over the edge. Even if she hadn't gone away completely, there was still a part of her that fell. Sofia wasn't sure they would be able to recover it. Surely not tonight.

Mira didn't seem to be interested in recovering anything now that Natalie was more or less safe and returning to the dorms. Her anger towards Adam had shifted.

Of course it had. She had agreed not to do anything more with Adam. She did not want to ever look at Adam again. No matter how much she loathed him, he was out of reach. Natalie, on the other hand, was someone she was close to. Someone she adored. Someone she had trusted.

So Natalie wasn't that sprite of a girl that Mira had thought she was. Fair enough. But Mira wouldn't let this incident go so easily, just because she hadn't seen a bigger underlying issue. But, at least on this walk back to the dorms, she didn't say anything.

But both Natalie and Sofia were entirely aware her silence wasn't a sign of defeat, a sign that she would let this go for now. No, she was only boiling within so that she could boil over later. And she would boil until everyone else was burned if that meant they would listen.

She kept it together until they arrived at the dorms. She kept it together as they went up to their hall. She kept it together as she guided Sofia and Natalie to their dorm, a dorm that felt entirely wrong after the events of the night.

"Natalie, Natalie, Natalie. I never expected anything like this from you."

"What, did you expect it from Sofia?" Natalie said, smirking.

"Don't joke with me right now. There's nothing funny about any of this."

"I'm not saying it is funny!" she replied, practically shrieking. "I'm saying that you...you have no part in this. This isn't about you, this isn't important to you. It's about me, it is, and you had no right to get involved!"

"I'm your RA, Natalie, and if that's not enough for me to get involved, then the fact that I thought I was your friend on some level should mean something. I'm trying to protect you, trying to help you, and here you are screaming at me for it!"

"Only because you're screaming at me! If you  _really_  cared about me, you would've let me do what I wanted. And you wouldn't be angry right now, you would..."

"I'm angry  _because_  I care about you. How can you not understand that you did something wrong, something so...stupid and dangerous that-"

"Oh, fuck you."

Natalie clearly intended things to end there. She didn't want to press them on forward. But for a moment it seemed that maybe Mira would simply explode. Sofia thought it might be warranted. She just wasn't prepared to see Mira that way.

But Mira swallowed back her anger for a moment. She was an RA. She was the older one. She had to show that.

"This isn't you," she said. "You're only acting like this because you're drunk. That's not you!"

"I promise you, I promise you, being drunk doesn't have anything to do with the fact that I'm... _saying_ something!"

"Well, you know what? It doesn't matter anyway, because you don't know what you're talking about."

Sofia felt as if she could gasp. Mira knew  _something_. Natalie, blurred by alcohol, didn't pick up on this.

"Did you look at any of his social media? Do you know anything about him?"

"Of course I did! Of course I did, we're...listen, I don't need to tell you!"

But Mira refused to let this pass. Maybe in another moment, with another person who didn't matter so much, Mira might've smiled. She knew something, and she knew too much. She swung out her phone from her pocket, pressing and scrolling and searching for what only she knew anything about.

Finally, she pushed the phone into Natalie's face. Natalie tilted back in response, but she looked. She looked, as if she could prove something by looking. But once she realizes she couldn't, she turned her head away, refusing to give in as much as she could bear.

"Look! Look at all these girls in his pictures!"

"Those are just his friends," Natalie said, her eyes flaming.

"Is that what he told you?" Mira replied. "Look at them."

"I don't have to do anything, it doesn't matter, you don't know him," she said, letting excuses drip out of her lips.

"You don't have to know him to know this. And if you're so certain that he's yours and only yours, then you shouldn't be afraid to look. So look."

Natalie didn't want to give in. She didn't want to follow a single order given to her. But she refused to back away from this challenge. Now that she had something to respond to, a way to prove Mira wrong, she had to look and say something.

Natalie's eyes flicked to one particular picture with a smiling, caramel-haired girl. And then she noticed another with that same girl. And another. And another.

"They must just be good friends," Natalie mumbled. "They must just be...friends from high school, you know, friends..."

Words continued to tumble from her lips as they refused to stick to her brain.

"They're dating. And Adam is the kind of person who doesn't care about those things and you're just another one of the girls who he's messing around with."

"No. No, I don't believe you! I don't believe that at all!"

Natalie's quiet fear and anger was bubbling up again. Sofia wanted to jump up and beg Mira to stop, but Mira was only just getting what she wanted.

"If you don't believe this, then what would make you believe it?"

"Leave me the fuck alone!" Natalie shrieked.

With this resonating in the air, Natalie threw herself onto her bed, attempting to shut out the world and everyone who seemed to be fighting against her. She fully believed they hated her in that moment. Not in their immediate words or in any kind of glare, but underneath. It was nothing but loathing, nothing but anger behind their eyes and inside their minds.

Of course they felt none of this. But it was easier to hate the world if she could believe that it hated her back.

For a few moments, she felt her body shaking, shaking and quivering wildly out of her own control. What emotion was this even supposed to be? What was she even supposed to be feeling or doing anymore? Nothing made sense. And she wanted to do nothing, to see and listen to and interact with nothing.

Sofia moved towards Natalie's bed, feeling as if she was moving towards a potentially dangerous animal. Natalie, seemingly hearing or somehow sensing that she was about to be touched, tensed up. She rolled into the fetal position so violently that Sofia ended up taking a step back.

"Please keep me updated," Mira whispered to Sofia, realizing it was time for her to leave. "I know you'll check up on her, but...let me know."

Sofia nodded to acknowledge this, but kept her eyes on Natalie.

For several moments, Natalie refused to move. She seemed all too still, as if she had given up her own animation in favor of falling into stasis. She was a statue. Figure of a young girl, distraught.

And so Sofia waited for a shift. A twitch. Moving her leg to make herself more comfortable. Surely Natalie would do something. Surely Natalie wasn't gone like that. Not after the energy and movement she had shown this whole night. She couldn't block out the world. She couldn't take herself away from the world.

But the more she watched, the more it seemed that Natalie could - and would - do just that. And on some level, Sofia understand. She had been through too much. She was feeling far too much to do anything but rest. Sofia wanted to hold her and talk to her and make her feel better somehow, even though she knew Natalie wouldn't listen.

But Natalie had to rest. Natalie had to sleep. Or just stay, completely inanimate, waiting for the moment she was ready to look back at the world.

So Sofia would just have to wait. She hated that. She was a patient person, but this? The one person she cared about most in the world was someone she would be impatient about. Surely that was understandable.

With one final glance over at Natalie, silently willing her back into motion, Sofia heaved out a sigh. There would be nothing until the morning. There would be nothing she could do.

But just as she resigned herself, Sofia nearly jumped at the sound of Natalie's voice, soft and almost calm, very calm in comparison to her screaming from before. She thought Natalie might never speak to her again.

"Would Cierra know, do you think?" Natalie said.

"Would Cierra know what, Natalie?"

"No. Of course Cierra would know. Cierra knows everything."

And so Natalie ended the fragment that could hardly be called a conversation and Sofia's hopes that she might be able to reconnect to her best friend in this time of need.

Natalie leaned over and picked up her phone, trying to ignore everything but her goal. She had a text to send. It felt like maybe the most important text she would ever send, and thus she needed to send it immediately. And Cierra would have to reply immediately. She had to.

Cierra's heart nearly flipped over when she saw she had a text from Natalie. Maybe a response to that stupid "hey" from a few days ago. Or, better yet, Natalie was sparking up her own conversation. She maybe actually wanted to talk to Cierra.

With her pulse in her ears, Cierra looked down at the text and prepared herself for a response.

**hey you know adam right**

**yeah, we're friends**

Not what she wanted to see, but she would take it. She would take any kind of interaction with Natalie.

**does he have a girlfriend?**

**uh that's kind of complicated**

**why complicated**

**well he technically has a girlfriend he's been with since high school but she doesn't go to moscoe and he kinda sleeps around, idk exactly how their relationship works**

After reading this, Natalie placed her phone down. She didn't have any kind of a reply. Every conversation now was a means to an end, and she had gotten her end.

Heat rose up in her face, and threatened to come out in the form of tears through her eyes. But no. No, she didn't want to cry anymore. She was sick of crying.

Maybe she hadn't read the text right. She picked up the phone once again, reading the short exchange that could hardly be called a conversation. She took time to look at every word, review the few characters that Cierra had sent.

No, she had read it right the first time. And so the image of the caramel-haired girl appeared in her mind, along with her repeated smile. So sweet that she was immediately cloying.

Immediately her mind started to spin. All the images of the past few weeks started flooding her mind, connecting everything in a tangled web. Nothing made sense anymore. The only things that seemed certain were Cierra's text and the girl's smile.

Natalie had seen enough. She would go to sleep, just as everyone had told her to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tensions are high...voices are loud...i have not had an experience like this but i feel like i often hear people screaming and/or running in the dorms...also no one ever sleeps...this is the true college experience no matter what this fic says


	19. natalie very ill

Natalie slept, and slept, and slept, and slept, and slept, and slept. No one disturbed her. Of course she was tired. She'd been through so much, emotionally and physically. And no one was ready to deal with her explosions when she woke up if it was like anything before she went to sleep.

Sofia didn't sleep at all. She was too busy watching Natalie sleeping through glancing away from her novel and keeping Mira updated on the fact that there was nothing to update her on. Though it wasn't peaceful, it was quiet. It was far better than Natalie shrieking and Mira yelling and so many tears.

She didn't even feel tired, not in the day she would've expected considering how many consecutive hours she had been awake. Exhaustion was certainly coursing through her - it just had nothing to do with sleep or a lack thereof. It was entirely internal, a byproduct of the emotional exertion she had put herself through. Her eyes had been washed with enough tears in the past week to leave them feeling dry and all too wide open, reminding her that she was lacking tears at the moment but they might arrive at any moment.

Natalie was home. Natalie was home. Natalie was right there, sleeping in her own bed, and she would wake up and maybe be willing to speak. Or maybe not. But that was okay. She would sleep and wake up again and make her way towards healing.

Knowing this wasn't enough. Of course not, no, Sofia just wanted to talk to her friend again as a friend again. But that would have to wait.

The hours tiptoed by, passing slowly enough for Sofia to note them and then dismiss them. One eye on her book, one eye on her cousin. The clock was of no importance. It would only matter when Natalie's eyes fell open, and she would be healing, healing, healing. That was why it was good for her to sleep. She was healing and not thinking about all of the horrible things that had happened.

Quietly, Sofia hoped she was dreaming. Nothing related to anything but sweetness and divinity beyond what she was stuck in at Moscoe.

Tapping at the door signaled Mira's arrival this mid-morning. Only then did Sofia fully recognize how many hours she had spent with her eyes open. She wondered if Mira had done the same, but assumed she didn't have any way to ask such a thing.

She moved toward the door, noticing for the first time just how heavy her legs felt. Whatever. It didn't matter. She could sleep later. Maybe even soon. It didn't matter.

Mira had a soft smile perched on her lips when Sofia opened the door. This subtle showing of hope made Sofia smile a bit herself, knowing that she had someone else to rely on.

"Morning, Mira."

"Hey, Sofia," Mira said, keeping her voice at a whisper in an attempt to avoid waking Natalie up. "Just wanted to come in and check up on everything."

"She's still asleep," Sofia sighed. "She's been sleeping for hours. Maybe it's time to wake her up."

"I've still got more interrogating to do," Mira said. "But maybe it'll be nicer to do it over coffee, or something like that."

"Ice cream," Sofia said, giving a soft smile. "Natalie loves ice cream, she melts over it."

"That sounds perfect, actually," Mira said, giving a small nod. "As long as we can find an open ice cream parlor."

"Oh, I'm sure we can," Sofia said. "I just have to wake her up first."

"Should I help?" Mira said. "It seems like she's quite a heavy sleeper."

"I think I'll be okay. I've been waking her up for years. I've got it down to an art form."

"Then I'll leave you to it. I'll be here for support, if you need it."

Sofia, the tips of her lips still propped up, now started making her way over toward Natalie. She knew she needed to be gentle. Everything had to be easy, everything had to be calm. And then that would be the rest of the day.

"Natalie...Natalie, it's time to wake up. You can eat ice cream for breakfast again if you want. Mira and I can go out and get a new pint, if you want."

Natalie didn't start. Well, okay. That was fine, that was normal. She was known to be a heavy sleeper, something that was somewhat of a joke within the Robin family. Of course she would still be fast asleep.

Sofia heaved out a sigh - it seemed almost too normal and natural, after everything that had changed. So it seemed she would have to do something normal and natural too. She would just have to shake Natalie awake, reintroduce her to the waking world.

She looked over at Mira in an attempt to show her that this was what she was doing, that Natalie wasn't awake quite yet but she would be. She would be.

Sofia began shaking Natalie, one hand on each of her shoulders. No reaction. Nothing. So she shook harder. No change. Natalie's expression and limbs stayed exactly the same. She was practically a rag doll.

Natalie's face was peaceful, but her body seemed so relaxed that it was unnatural. But Sofia kept shaking, hoping that she was missing something or misinterpreting something. No. No. No.

"Natalie...Natalie, Natalie, Natalie," Sofia continuously murmured, gaining urgency with each repetition.

Mira could see this was no longer a case of a heavy sleeper, but she felt frozen to the spot.

Finally, Sofia stopped shaking Natalie, giving into the stillness of the room. She wrapped Natalie up in her arms, almost as if she was going to prop her up. But she just stayed there in that desperate embrace.

"Sofia-"

"Call 911," Sofia said. "Call now!"

Mira, trembling but barely noticing it, did as Sofia said, letting her head droop. She turned to look out into the hallway, unwilling to see any more.Every word she spoke felt carefully calculated. It had to be calculated, if she wasn't going to give into the shrieks and hysterics occurring behind her.

Everything blurred, more than it had before in the haze of the night. Natalie was taken off in an ambulance, with people walking to and from the dorm staring. But Sofia and Mira felt so entirely alone. Those were just eyes looking over. No one but eyes.

Sofia couldn't stop shaking, though she rarely let a tear escape from her eyes and hardly spoke a word. Amidst the chaos of everyone trying to get help and save Natalie's life, she felt like a tremoring eye of a hurricane. She heard good news, good things telling her that because she had found Natalie so soon and because she was going to the hospital she was almost certainly going to live, but it didn't affect her.

Natalie was in the hospital. Sofia was in the room, left with a ghost in Natalie's bed. Going to the hospital was stupid at this point, she wouldn't get to know anything more about Natalie and her condition. She wouldn't get to see Natalie. All she wanted was answers, change, healing. She just didn't know how to get it.

She didn't want to look for the note. She was certain it was somewhere but she wasn't prepared. But Mira pushed her, told her that they needed to know why. Or, at least, Sofia needed to know why.

Sofia thought she already knew why. And she hated it. Natalie had laid it all out, had said and screamed so many things, and now they echoed through her mind to the point she almost wished she could hear them again just to know that Natalie would ever make another sound.

There was more to why, though. There were pieces of Natalie's mind that Sofia never got the chance to see. Which would be in the note.

Overcome by guilt and grief and curiosity, Sofia started her list of places where the note might be. Then she started looking, where it would make sense and where it wouldn't because it was supposed to be hidden but not too hidden...

Sofia felt like she had lost so much of Natalie already. She tried not to, and then looked again.

Tucked in front of the first page of her music notebook. Oh. Addressed to Sofia. No mention of Andrew's name. Only one of Adam's. So much of it was "sorry." So much of it was "confused" and "can't" and "time."

"Wrong." "Bad." "Guilty." And so Sofia shook even more violently and tried to control her gasping breaths.

To start to imagine what was happening in Natalie's mind. Happened. Happening. Sofia felt herself overflowing for the brief seconds where she felt she could connect completely. The moments where she didn't connect completely were to keep her breathing, keep her from falling apart completely.

Her bed would have to be a sanctuary. Sofia's limbs felt wrong as she tried to lay down. She kept curling into herself, or lashing out. All the while tears flooded out, making her wonder if she would ever have dry eyes in her life again.

In her music notebook. Addressed to Sofia. "Sorry." "Sorry." "Confused." "Guilty." "Time." "Bad." "Sorry." "Wrong." "Can't." "Sorry." "Sorry." "Sorry." The separate elements echoed through her mind. Sofia tried not to hear them in Natalie's voice. But compared to the Natalies she had seen in the past few days, this sounded most like the one she knew.

She knew she should probably tell Mira, probably say or do something. But she couldn't find the words she needed to express what she was thinking. She wasn't sure she'd be able to push any kind of words out unless it was absolutely necessary.

She went to Mira anyway. Sofia needed to not be alone. Even if they said nothing, it was good to have presence. It was something to have presence. No words were needed to discuss what had happened, or what was happening, or what would happen. They had already said so much.

Mira oscillated between periods of sobbing and staying stoic. She wanted to be the one who everyone else could use as support, but she could hardly stand half of the time. Sofia didn't need her to do anything else. But sitting in silence aside from the occasional burst of tears or shift could only last so long.

In one of her stoic times, Mira spoke up.

"We need to go to the hospital," Mira said.

"There's no point...we won't be able to see her or hear anything for ages..."

"But when we can we need to be there," Mira argued, almost as if she was trying to convince herself. Sofia understood completely.

"You don't have any...RA duties to do? Something you can't go and wait hours for?"

"This is more important. It's a personal emergency."

Sofia didn't offer up any more resistance. Part of her had wanted to go just to be near Natalie in any sense.

"I need to get some things together, but...then we can go. We can go soon. I'll be back."

While plucking her phone from her bedside table, Sofia remembered that there were still far too many people left in the dark.

So she decided to contact the family. Forcing her voice to stay stable, she explained the bare minimum to her uncle's ears, hoped she wouldn't have to have to say anything to Natalie's brother Nick, or worse, Natalie's ever-fretting mother.

Thankfully that was all she had to say. Explanation wasn't for the present, no matter how much everyone wanted to know. They would all meet at the hospital, all be together at the hospital to pool their hopes together.

Mira and Sofia arrived at the hospital quietly. Maybe they should just stay quiet and wait a bit before getting too involved, Sofia thought. But surely enough Mira made sure to make their business clear.

They were told to wait.

Soon the entire Robin family came, but no one was allowed to see Natalie. Not yet. That terrified them more.

"Will she be okay?" seemed to echo through everyone's mouths, everyone's ears, everyone's minds.

It seemed to be ages before the answer spread.

Yes. Yes, Natalie would be okay. Yes, Natalie would live and she would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i defo forget to post this yesterday but i also did more than 6 hours of homework yesterday so...yeah! here this is!


	20. a call to cierra

Every day and every night seemed so much the same to Cierra. She always got the feeling that right outside her door everything was swirling and dancing, but she couldn't reach it. How could she, when she could barely pull herself out of bed?

She tried not to blame herself too much. She tried not to think about her best friend Andrew living out a dream while out in France. She tried not to think of Natalie, Natalie, Natalie, who seemed so joyful now that she had fallen into Elena's crowd, who talked about Adam and ignored Cierra's texts. And she tried not to think of Adam and Elena and Dolsen, who were supposed to be the three people she always went out with, but always ended up abandoning her to go laugh and live.

Trying to avoid those thoughts only made them appear more vividly in her mind. On this particular night, Cierra was alone in her apartment like any other night. Elena had pranced in for a brief moment to grab something from her makeup collection, refused to make eye contact, and pranced out. She was probably out with Dolsen, as usual. And she had probably forgotten Cierra existed.

But before these thoughts could consume her completely, Cierra heard five knocks in rapid succession at the door.

Strange. Not Elena, unless she had lost her keys. But she would've texted. Same for Adam. It was good to feel intrigued for once, even if it was slightly frightening.

Cierra opened the door to the tiny figure of Sofia Robin standing in the hallway, one arm crossed across her body as her hand gripped her upper arm, her head and her braids hanging down, her gaze focused on the ground.

"I needed to tell you in person. I don't have your number, and I can't...but I was able to..." she began.

"Tell me what?" Cierra said, feeling her heart struck by dread she couldn't explain.

Sofia paused for a moment. She raised her eyes up to Cierra's, allowing the latter to see how they were filled with a strange grief.

"Natalie attempted suicide last night," she said.

"What?"

"She...sleeping pills..."

"No, wait, come in. Come in, sit down."

Leading Sofia inside gave Cierra a moment to look away. She couldn't bear to look at those eyes again, knowing what meaning they kept inside. She gestured to the couch and then sat down across from it in the seat typically reserved for Elena.

"Sofia, right?"

"Yes."

"Natalie's cousin, roommate, and-"

"-and best friend," Sofia finished. "Yes."

"Yeah, I've seen you around," Cierra said. She sounded so stupid, when speaking about something so serious.

"And I've seen you. That's why I'm here, to tell you. I know that you...I know that you care about her," Sofia said. This simple sentence caused Cierra's heart to skip a beat as she irrationally leapt to the conclusion that everyone knew about her affection for Natalie.

Cierra's eyes fluttered shut. What did a crush matter when Natalie had almost taken her own life?

Sofia heaved in a breath, trying to begin her explanation.

"Natalie attempted suicide last night. She took a whole bunch of sleeping pills, prescription. An awful, awful way to go...and I realized that she wasn't waking up this morning even though it was getting late. She wasn't responding at all. She was barely breathing. And it became very clear what she had done."

Sofia was clearly on the verge of tears, but as much as Cierra wanted to spare her she also felt desperate to know.

"Why?" Cierra said. "Why would she...why would Natalie do that?"

"I don't really know. Her...her note was...she seemed confused. And felt guilty and unsure about everything that had happened...oh. You don't know what happened, do you?"

Sofia looked so helpless that Cierra immediately said, "You don't have to tell me. Don't worry yourself over it."

"No, no, you have a right to understand what's happening. Well...I'll try to make it simple. She was a...she was a mess about Andrew, and then when she went to go meet with his family it got even worse."

Cierra nodded, vaguely remembering that Natalie had mentioned something about the Boles family. God. That felt like years ago by this point.

"Mira and I - I don't know if you know Mira Dalal-"

"-I do-"

"-we decided to take her out to a concert. She met Elena there, and I think she met Adam too. Adam Keenan, of course, that is. And then she seemed even more upset about everything, nothing would make her feel better...until Elena showed up at our dorm and took her off to a party. She got home so late that night...I think. I went to sleep before she was back, and she slept for ages."

Sofia, in spite of herself, laughed slightly. "She can always sleep for forever. I went off that morning to go get something for breakfast, and when I came back she was still asleep. Or so I thought. Her phone was exploding with texts, and I saw some of them...Adam wanted her to run away with him."

"I asked her about it when she woke up and she freaked out. She said she was in love with Adam. I don't know how that could be but that's what she said. No more Andrew for her. And I tried to convince her not to but she wouldn't listen, and she stopped talking to me. I tried to get help, and so Mira and I...we were able to stop it. Stop her before she ran off in the middle of the night. But I barely recognized the Natalie we brought back to the dorms. She was so angry, so wild...and then she slept. Slept like she was never going to wake up again."

"And then today happened so you ended up here," Cierra said.

"Yes. Exactly."

Cierra's breath came in sharply, more sharply than she had intended.

"You've been in the hospital most of the day, haven't you?"

"Yes."

"And you haven't slept in..."

"I don't know. It doesn't matter."

"And now you're here, talking to someone you hardly know, explaining everything even though it's still fresh in your mind."

"I had to let you know. And I knew I could reach you, Mira had a directory..."

"You didn't have to."

"I wouldn't want to keep you in the dark just for you to find out with the rest of the public," Sofia sighed. "You needed to know."

"You're too good," Cierra said, looking over to Sofia and inviting her to meet her eyes.

Cierra had never really known Sofia. She had only been periphery to everything else, a figure mentioned in one of Natalie's winding stories or a familiar face in a crowd. She knew about her kindness and loyalty, but had never seen it in action until this day. It nearly shattered her heart.

"I'm just trying to be a good friend for Natalie, and that means helping out her friends."

Sofia could see why Natalie spoke so highly of Cierra. She was easy to confide to, a truly good listener. And so Sofia found that she wanted to keep talking, something that was utterly rare in her quiet life.

"I...I feel like it's partially my fault, all of this."

"No, it's not-"

"I know it's not but that's not what it feels like."

"Why would you say that?"

"Because we had a huge fight and she wasn't talking to me almost at all," Sofia said. "Because I was the one who knew what she was going to do with Adam and I tried to tell someone and stop it but because it got stopped she..."

"You kept her best interest in mind the whole time. There's no way you could've known Natalie would do anything else. No one would've expected Natalie to...not Natalie. There's no way it could be your fault."

Sofia nodded slightly. "I guess so."

"And I mean...what's happened has happened. How is everything looking for Natalie in the coming days?"

"Natalie'll get better, of course she will, but then she'll have to come back and face everyone. I'm terrified for her. And I don't want to think about what'll happen when Andrew gets back, or if she...when she sees Adam again."

"I see," Cierra said, tilting her head. "How are you doing?"

"My best friend just attempted suicide. She's in the hospital right now and I don't know when I'm going to get to see her again or if she'll talk to me..."

"No, no...how are  _you_?" Cierra pressed. "I know all there is to know about Natalie for now. I want to know how you're holding up."

"I'm not sure I am," Sofia strained to say, as formerly restrained tears started to cascade out. Watching those tears, so pure and heartbreaking, brought water into Cierra's eyes. She'd never been able to stand the sight of someone else crying.

Cierra took a moment to wipe her own newly developed tears away, trying to decide how she could try to alleviate Sofia's pain, trying to decide if she could do anything at all. But she had an idea.

"Do you need a hug?"

Sofia didn't say anything, simply nodded. Cierra didn't waste a moment in launching from her seat and moving across the room, gently pulling up Sofia until she was wrapped up in her arms.

Cierra looked up. Feeling Sofia quiver from sobs made tears stream down her cheeks. But she felt stronger than ever. Not because she had made the decision to try and help Sofia, no. It was solely because she had to be stronger. Sofia needed strength. Natalie, in a hospital somewhere, needed strength. And Cierra, letting cold crystal drops fall one after the other from her reddening eyes, would be strong. She felt that Sofia understood this even as they broke apart from one another.

"Do you need anything else?" Cierra asked, making special effort to keep her voice as soft and level as possible.

"I just...I just don't want to see Natalie suffer when she gets back. I don't think anything can be done about that, but..."

"Okay...okay. I...I know Adam. I know Adam, and I can talk to him. I don't know how well he'll listen, but..."

"You don't have to do that..."

"Yes, I do," Cierra replied. "I..."

She felt like she could've stopped it before it happened. She didn't know how she could explain that to Sofia, but she couldn't shake the feeling. That night, with Natalie and Elena and makeup, she could've said something and stopped it. That text, where Natalie asked about Adam, she should've said something more and asked what was happening. It seemed so simple now, so clear that Cierra should've stepped the slightest bit out of her comfort zone and pulled Natalie out of danger. Romance didn't matter at all. She should've done it, as a friend.

"I'll talk to him...I'll see what I can do."

"I won't stop you. But I...I'm sorry," Sofia said.

"No, no, no, don't be sorry," Cierra said. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

"I'm sorry that any of this had to happen," Sofia continued. "I'm sorry that I had to come and ruin your night. Tell all these awful, awful things..."

"That needed to be told. Thank you for coming, Sofia. Truly."

Sofia bowed her head, sniffling back the remaining tears from before.

"I think I should be going back now. Back home, to the dorms, that is. I'll...I'll see you around."

Cierra nodded.

"I think you should get some rest. But wait...here. We should exchange numbers. Just so we can both keep each other updated if anything happens."

"Mm. Smart," Sofia said, brushing a tear away from her eye while in the process of swapping phones with Cierra. They said their goodbyes with a soft smile, each one feeling that they needed to talk to one another when they weren't talking about something so terrible and so close to home, but that through this conversation they had become friends. With that promise of something better, Sofia left Cierra to her own thoughts.

Cierra, despite usually feeling an aversion to social events unless she was drinking, couldn't patch up her bleeding heart. She saw the suffering in Sofia, could only guess the suffering in Natalie, and desperately wanted to do anything to make it stop.

The only way she could find to alleviate their pain was to do something about Adam. She didn't know what, exactly, but he was to blame. So he would have to suffer for their suffering. All of them.

So what would she do? Cierra hardly knew. She only knew she was fuming, and she needed to make it all stop, as soon as possible, through Adam.

She would kill Adam if she had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who...er...forgot to post this last week? get ready for a double feature. anyway, i love getting to explore sofia more because honestly she deserves...some sort of resolution. or at least i think so.


	21. cierra & adam

Where was Adam?

If she was in any other mood Cierra might've laughed at the thought that he was hiding. But it seemed too close to the truth, too much like something  _he_  might laugh at too. In her mind, Cierra had built him into a complete monster.

Every time he had done something wrong, said something insensitive, or turned away from someone who needed help came to mind. Maybe he wasn't so much worse than anyone else, but in that moment he was practically the devil. It was Cierra's job to stop him before he destroyed everything. He was certainly on that path.

First came finding Adam. Text messages and voice mail would just be ignored. They needed to speak face to face. She wouldn't accept anything less, because he certainly wouldn't pay attention to anything less.

Cierra set off, into and out of campus, weaving from place to place with an urgency she didn't realize she could muster. It was practically adrenaline. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't slow her pulse. All she could do was search.

She checked every restaurant, the ones she knew Adam went to and the ones that he avoided most of the time. She checked the dining hall, sparse by this time of the day. Then frat houses, best as she could. Sororities, then. And then the clubs and the bars that he frequented, the ones where he could hide in the dark and drink away whatever feelings he had.

But for all the checking around at the normal (and abnormal) places where Adam might be, and sending him a few texts that went unread, Cierra ended up back at home. And there, of course, was Adam.

He seemed upset. Good. He should be upset over what he did. Even though Cierra was certain he wasn't upset for the right reason, it was good to see any kind of remorse. Any kind of feeling other than desire, than more, more, more.

Elena approached first. Adam was a coward. Elena seemed so concerned and she had no reason to get involved.

A moment of concern flashed through Cierra. In spite of everything she had been through with Elena, she didn't want to see this kind of suffering. Why would she despair? Why was she worried so much about her brother? Why did it matter?

But then Cierra remembered how much pain Elena had caused, and how much more pain the man she was defending had caused in just the past day.

"Cierra, Cierra, listen to me. We need to talk."

"Talk? What is there to talk about?"

"Well, we need to talk about Adam, and-"

"No. No, I'm not going to talk to you when he's standing right there."

Elena pressed her lips into a pout.

"I need to talk for him."

"I get that. But right now, you're going to have to talk to me first. That's just...that's just how it has to be."

"Elena."

"Cierra, we need to talk. Us. You and I. About Adam. He needs time to...he's a mess, Cierra, and I..."

"Elena, no."

"I know you don't want to listen to me because you never do but please, please listen now-"

"I don't want to listen to you right now because this isn't about you. This has nothing to do with you. It's about Adam, okay? And you can't defend him from how much he fucked up."

"I'm not trying to defend him, I'm just-"

"I'll talk to you later," was all Cierra said. But when Elena puffed out a sigh it was clear they both knew what she meant - it was over. No more putting up with each other in some semblance of a relationship.

To think it had been that easy. They didn't even have to say anything about it. It only took Adam ruining other people's lives in order for them to make a much needed fix in their own lives.

But this didn't make Cierra happy, nor Elena. The latter stepped to the side and decided she couldn't bear to stay around any longer. She didn't want to know what they would say. There was no hint of "I told you so" left within her. There never had been anything of the sort. She didn't want to be felt anymore.

So she collected her things and simply walked out in silence, in hope for better. No one watched.

"Well, now it's just the two of us," Cierra said. A semblance of a smile curled across Adam's face, and it seemed like he was about to make a joke. About to make light of the situation.

Not if Cierra was around.

"You think you're real funny, don't you?" she said, feeling her face begin to redden. "You and everything you do. Well, you think ruining lives is funny? Because it seems like you do, and I...I can't let you go on like that."

Cierra took a step toward Adam and her anger only just started to become apparent. A flash of her past strength struck Adam - particularly that one night at the bar, with Dolsen, with an angry Cierra that seemed so unusual.

If he didn't say something, do something quickly...he didn't want to think about what would happen. And it would happen.

"Cierra, Cierra, calm down," Adam said, raising his hands. "There's no reason for you to get upset about this."

"No reason to get upset about this?" she repeated. "Oh, no. No, no, no, I have plenty of reasons to be upset."

"Listen...what's going on is between me and Natalie and everything else is just...it's just us, okay, and it's not your problem so just...just calm down."

Cierra, whose pulse had been racing, knew she couldn't lose her control. It is was difficult, but she huffed out a breath and tried to relax herself before she continued.

"I've known Natalie since middle school. I've known her for ages and we're friends, so what happens to her matters to me. You've know her for what? A few weeks?"

"What can I say? We clicked," Adam said. "Doesn't matter how long you know someone when something like  _that_  happens."

"God, is she just a thing to you?"

"No, no, not at all!" he replied, waving this idea away. "It's just...we just connected. I can't control that. And it's nobody's fault that it happened. Nothing wrong with it."

Nothing wrong with it. Nothing wrong with it? If he wasn't afraid, he would be completely casual. He wouldn't care at all. And that made Cierra's blood boil more than anything before, and she didn't know what she wanted to do but she was certain it wouldn't be good for either of them.

She spoke as calmly as possible. It still came out shrill. But at least it would force him to listen.

"Haven't you heard?" Cierra said. "Natalie attempted suicide. She tried to kill herself and it's because you fucked with her."

Adam, clearly, hadn't heard this.

"Oh my God. Oh my God, I have to see her, I have to-"

"She doesn't want to see you. She doesn't want to hear your name ever again, I'm sure."

"No, no, no, you don't understand," Adam said.

And Cierra could see that he was truly distressed. She had refused to believe he could have genuine feelings but now...

"I didn't...I didn't know about that. I had no idea. I have to see her, I have to..."

"I don't think you should," Cierra said, feeling her voice involuntarily getting quieter. "I don't know much about the situation but I know that she's...I don't think now is the time. I don't think any time soon is the time."

Adam took a moment, trying to let this new information sink in. Sink in as much as possible in a moment.

"Is that why you're so upset, huh? Is that why you were trying to find me?"

"Not the whole reason, but yes."

"Then what's the rest of the reason?" he said, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. "Can't I just...go now? Go home and just...think about everything?"

"Because I need to talk to you about it. I can't just...let you walk away."

Adam seemed further irritated by this, but didn't make any move to leave.

"So. What do you so desperately need to say?"

"I know you have a girlfriend. You know you have a girlfriend. I don't know why you feel like you need to cheat on her and then ruin other people's lives in the process."

"I'm not-"

"Do I really need to remind you?"

Adam let out a sigh. It was disgusting to think that his exasperation what was what consumed him now, but Cierra knew she shouldn't have expected anything better from him. Especially knowing what he had done, what he had caused.

"Yes, I have a girlfriend, but it's not like it's that serious. Of course not. It's never been just the two of us, and  _you_  should know that by now."

"I know that. But think about Natalie. I'm sure you didn't tell her anything. I'm sure that your girlfriend wouldn't be happy to hear about this either. But if you're going to do something so massive to someone so young...well, I think Natalie knows. And for her, someone who has only known...well. Not Natalie."

"So what do you want me to do?" Adam said. "You're telling me that I ruined everything and that I'm a horrible person and you want me to do something. But I don't know what."

"I don't want Natalie to ever have to see your face again."

"So you want me to leave?"

"If that's what it takes."

Adam leaned back fully, slouching in his chair. "I mean, I was planning on leaving anyway...just not without her."

Cierra didn't speak. She was trying her best not to put all of her loathing into the boy sitting in front of her, this boy who so easily moved from idea to idea and thing to thing and person and person and place to place. Of course he could just pick up everything and leave. That was Adam. Nothing really mattered to him. Maybe nothing ever would, and he would have to suffer for it some time.

"So, is that all?" Cierra said. "You're just going to leave?"

"Doesn't seem like there's anything better I can do, so...yes."

Cierra knew she had found something of a solution. But something about this, perhaps the way this didn't seem to bother Adam almost all, made it seem unfinished. Unsatisfying.

But there was nothing more she could do.

"When?"

"I don't know. As soon as I can, I guess. Gotta worry about all the paperwork," he replied, popping the p's as if he knew it was utterly infuriating and he would do it anyway.

"You just need to be gone by the time Natalie comes back," Cierra said. It felt good, if only for a moment, to think about Natalie returning to Moscoe as if it was certain. Whenever she didn't treat it as a certainty, the world felt so out of her control that she couldn't function.

"Fine, then," he sighed. "I'll figure it out."

He fell silent for a few moments before piping up again.

"I never wanted to hurt anyone."

"I know."

"I don't think you do, because-"

"It doesn't matter if you wanted to, because you did. A lot of people. Not just her."

"Listen, I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter how sorry you are," Cierra said. "And I'm not the one you need to apologize to. You're not ready to be sorry."

"But I-"

"No," Cierra said, and she felt a lump rise in her throat. No, no, no. She couldn't cry. Couldn't be weak in front of Adam. "You've done too much. And maybe one day, years from now, you can be sorry. But not now. Not with everything you've done. Right now, running away is your only option."

She didn't believe that, and she was certain Adam must've noticed that when she spoke out. But she wouldn't take it back. After an entire night of desperately searching for him, now she wasn't sure she ever wanted to see him again.

Adam looked like he was barely comprehending this himself. "I'll just disappear then. Okay. Not what I was planning."

"But it's not like you ever plan, anyway," Cierra mumbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cue the dramatic strings. i know this chapter is supposed to focus on the titular cierra and adam but honestly developing the relationship between cierra and elena was what excited me the most. but also good to see a bit more into adam's mind, eh?


	22. cierra & andrew

Andrew asked Cierra to pick him up from the airport. He was exhausted, and he wanted to rest. That meant that he barely greeted his best friend, barely said a word as they both entered the car. He just stared out of the window, shifting in his seat and saying nothing. He was twitching almost like someone unable to get to a comfortable position to go to sleep.

Cierra wanted to assume it was jet lag, but she had never seen Andrew so jittery and generally off. God...it was like he knew already. But he didn't, and he suddenly seemed so blind and young and unknowing. Funny. He was studying for the past semester, immersing himself in architecture and engineering and work, and it seemed like he knew nothing. He just hadn't had the time to know everything back at Moscoe.

She waited for him to say something. Certainly Andrew wasn't much of one for spilling his heart out on a regular basis, but when something was important...

He had to say something. He had to. They were supposed to be best friends and he needed to speak his mind. She needed to hear.

But throughout the ride, he only said one thing: "Do you think we can stop at your apartment first? I don't want to deal with my family yet."

Cierra paused before answering, hoping that maybe he might say something more. He didn't. Of course he didn't.

"Okay, yeah."

Part of her ached to start rambling out words of understanding, telling that she was there for him no matter what and that she didn't want him to be hurting on any level.

So she stayed just as silent as he did, waiting until they were safe inside her apartment to say anything more. Even then, it was strange. She felt as if maybe she wasn't supposed to speak at all. But she couldn't let this silence stay.

"So how was it?"

"What?"

Cierra felt a wash of embarassment.

"How was studying abroad? France? Architecture? I've always thought about studying abroad but...I mean, you got to actually do it, so...how was it?"

"Oh. It was fine."

An entire semester in a foreign country surrounded by something he supposedly loved and the only response he could muster up was a three word sentence. Something was deeply, deeply wrong.

"Did you...enjoy it?"

"Yeah. Of course. It was incredible, I mean..."

So maybe he meant those words. It was impossible to tell. But he couldn't do much more than push out sentences while he was in such an uneasy state. She should ask. She should try to figure out what was wrong, and try to figure out if she could do anything to help.

But if this was what he was like not knowing about Natalie, she was terrified to see what would happen when he found out. And surely he would find out, with it at the tip of Cierra's mind.

But right as Cierra searched her mind, trying to see if she had any way to ask about his inner turmoil, he spoke up and alleviated a tiny fraction of her discomfort.

"I..I haven't gotten any texts from Natalie in the past few days. She hasn't responded to anything. I know it's the end of the semester and she's probably studying, but...not responding isn't like her. Especially not for this long. I thought that, because you're friends with her, you might...know something."

Cierra hesitated.

"I'm not that close with her."

"I just...I mean, I thought she would  _want_  to see me after everything and I wanted to try to set something up...something nice. You know. It's not really me but it makes her happy, so...you haven't heard anything?"

Cierra wasn't sure how to reply, but she couldn't keep choking back her words.

"I have heard something, but it's..."

Suddenly Andrew seemed alert and focused. "What is it? What did you hear?"

His focus, his burst of energy, broke Cierra's heart. He just wanted good news, some excuse that Natalie had been stuck studying or got a new job or started researching or her phone was broken. Like someone watching a story that they already knew the tragic ending to but still wished for a happy ending, Andrew was searching for hope.

She didn't want to tell him. Now that she could see the reason behind his closed off behavior, she didn't want to push him deeper into the hole. She didn't want to. But what kind of friend would she be, withholding such vital information?

"Natalie...Natalie attempted suicide."

"She did...what?"

"She attempted suicide. Um. Sleeping pills. She's going to be fine, but she's in the hospital."

A shudder passed through Andrew. Cierra desperately wanted to look away. She felt like she was seeing something too private, that she was invading the relationship.

She couldn't let herself forget how Andrew and Natalie were together. To an extent. Something different now, yes. But she hadn't forgotten about that since she realized she had feelings for Natalie. Now, however, instead of seeing Andrew as an unfortunate roadblock in the form of a best friend, she saw the strain of years together ripping apart.

"Hospital. So she's...she's alive. Is she awake? Conscious?"

"I mean, I think so, I don't know, I...I don't know that much about what's going on right now."

Andrew heaved out a sigh. He, clearly, was still trying to process. Cierra couldn't blame him at all. She was still trying to process it herself. She wasn't certain she ever would. She wasn't certain anyone ever needed to process it.

"Why would she do something like that? And why hasn't...why am I only hearing about it now?"

"Well...Natalie's not much of one to post about it, and her parents...and Sofia..."

"What about you, then?" Andrew prompted. "You've been here the whole time."

Cierra felt her breath escape from her lungs. He was right, of course he was right, and she didn't have any way to respond that could possibly comfort him in any way.

"I...I was caught up in things," she said. "I was..."

"Depressive episode?" Andrew asked.

"Uh...um...yes. I mean, that's not all of it, but..."

Cierra was shocked. Andrew knew her too well.

"I understand," Andrew said, heaving out another sigh. "I just..."

"There's a lot going on. A lot...a lot happened."

Andrew fixed his gaze to the floor. "Do you know what happened? Can you tell me?"

Again. He knew her too well. It was all too clear that she knew what happened. And she couldn't keep it from him.

"I don't know if you want to hear it."

"No. No, I have to hear it. I have to."

Cierra nodded. She tried to collect herself, unsure how she would get everything out. Everything she knew. Which suddenly felt like far too little.

"I got to talk to Natalie a few weeks ago. I was in the library, studying, and she just came along and I got to talk to her. She seemed happy enough, Natalie enough...she was just a little upset because she didn't know what to do with herself because she was going to meet up with your family."

Andrew twitched, almost imperceptibly, but Cierra was trying to read his every reaction so she noticed immediately.

"And so...so I didn't see her for a few days. Until she showed up here. Uh....she was here. She was sitting in my apartment when I came back one day. She was getting ready for a party at a fraternity, something that...uh...that Elena had invited her to. And I got to talk to her a bit then and...she seemed excited. But I know Elena, I know the kind of people she hangs out with, so I thought about telling her not to go or...or something. I didn't, though. She went."

"So something happened at that party? Something happened to her and she tried to commit suicide because of it?" Andrew pressed.

"No, no, that was still a little while ago, there was...okay. Um. I tried to text her that next morning and she didn't say anything. But then a few days later I got a text from her. She asked if I knew anything about Adam Keenan, if he was dating anyone."

Andrew shifted in his seat, the sound wearing down on Cierra's ears.

"So I told her what I knew. I told her that he was, though he was far from, uh...faithful. And that was all I heard from her."

"Adam Keenan. Your girlfriend's twin?"

"Yes. Um. So next thing I know Sofia - you know Sofia - Sofia shows up at my door and she tells me that Natalie has...you know. She told me that they had gone to some concert because Natalie was feeling really upset over meeting up with your family. I guess it didn't go well. And there she probably met Adam for the first time. And then after that she went to that party I mentioned before, which was at Adam's frat. She didn't come back until the middle of the night and slept for ages, is what Sofia said."

Andrew's mouth opened slightly as he searched for a possible response, a possible way to clarify. But he didn't say anything. He felt he could already tell where it was going.

"While Natalie was sleeping she was getting lots of texts, and Sofia saw they were from Adam. Adam was asking Natalie...asking Natalie to run away. So Sofia confronted her and apparently Natalie just...exploded. She said she was...she said she was in love with Adam."

Andrew's eyes were glossy, and Cierra realized that he was just moments from tears. He was trying not to be upset, of course, but how could he not be helplessly upset?

Cierra, who had spent so much time wading in a pool of her own self-pity thinking about how Natalie would never reciprocate her feelings, suddenly felt very small.

She gathered her emotions so she could finish explaining.

"She tried to run away but Sofia and her RA stopped her. And they brought her back but she was very, very upset. And...well...I think she felt lost. Confused. And she..."

"I know," Andrew said, shutting off the story there. There wasn't much story left, thankfully.

In the past few days before Andrew had returned, she had thought about what Andrew might think if she mentioned her crush on Natalie, wondered about the possibilities of how he would react. But now she thought that bringing that up was stupid.

The girl Andrew loved and he thought loved him back had cheated on him and then attempted suicide. And he had been in the dark the whole time, the whole time. Cierra couldn't even begin to fathom it.

"Listen, I'm sorry...I'm sorry that all of this happened, that I...I had to be the one to tell you, I..."

Her voice and its apologies faded away.

"Have you seen her?" Andrew asked in response.

"What?"

"Have you seen her, in the hospital?"

"I..." Cierra had a simple answer - no - but for whatever reason she couldn't seem to form a response.

"Is she taking visitors? Can she?"

"I...I don't know." Cierra hadn't checked up on her at all. She'd been so caught up in finding Adam, Andrew coming home, she'd overlooked the person she was worrying for.

"I just...I just want to know what's going on," Andrew said. And Cierra picked up the quiver in his voice, started to see that his eyes got shinier. His body seemed to physically shake in his attempts to hold back the crying.

How had Cierra made it to a world where her best friend couldn't cry in front of her even though they were discussing a personal tragedy? Yes, it was true that Andrew was never the most emotional person, but there had always been more trust. There was no doubt that he was on the verge of crying, even less doubt that he was forcing himself not to cry. And it was because he was with Cierra.

"Maybe you should send her another text," Cierra offered. "Just...explain what you know, say that you want to see her, that kind of thing."

"She's not going to respond. I can tell you now, she's not going to respond."

"Well, you don't know-"

"No, I know. I know her well enough now, after-"

His voice broke and so he stopped himself before going any further. Cierra's heart broke a bit with the broken off sentence.

So what  _could_  he do? If he was refusing a text...

"You should go see her," Cierra urged. "I think you need to talk to her in person, especially because you two haven't seen each other in months..."

"And how would that help?"

"Well, you two need to talk to each other-"

"I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can talk to her right now."

"How can you...how can you expect to get through your problems if you don't even talk about them? She's not going to..."

"Cierra. I'm telling you now that I can't. I can't do it. I don't know if that makes me a horrible person, but I can't."

"Andrew..."

"I don't want to talk about it anymore," Andrew said, his voice soft but forceful.

Cierra was left with so many words caught in her throat. She didn't know what she had wanted to say or how she had wanted to say it, only that she felt a push to say more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're approaching the end...here we go! writing this chapter was interesting for me because what really hit me about the first time i heard nicholas belton's andrey was how broken and defeated he sounded in "pierre & andrey." he just can't forgive natasha because he's so shattered by what has happened. that was what i pulled from for this chapter. i hope it came through.


	23. cierra & natalie

Cierra felt she had a duty to go see Natalie. That didn't mean it didn't make her heart beat wildly out of control. Maybe Natalie didn't want to see her, wouldn't dare talk about anything. In fact, the more Cierra thought about it, the more it seemed certain that Natalie wouldn't want to speak.

But she still felt she needed to go. As a friend. As someone who needed to offer support. As someone who understood, on some level, why Natalie would try to take her own life.

Part of Cierra blamed herself for everything that happened to Natalie. She remembered that night with Natalie sitting her apartment, with Elena painting her in gold and singing her praises, and how she had wanted to tell Natalie not to go. If she hadn't gone, none of this would've happened.

Or maybe it would have happened anyway.

As much as Cierra told herself she could've done something to stop it all, she couldn't have prevented Natalie from meeting Adam. She couldn't have prevented Adam from charming Natalie, and she couldn't have made decisions for Natalie.

It was horrible to think there was no way to stop any of it, that Natalie was fated to nearly throw her life away and then try to take it herself. No one deserved it, least of all Natalie.

But at least Natalie was alive.

God. Cierra didn't know what she would've done if Natalie had succeeded. If Sofia had showed up at her door and told her that Natalie was gone, she probably wouldn't have lasted the night. Not thinking about Natalie. Dear, dear Natalie.

Natalie was alive and she was in the hospital and Cierra was going to that hospital. Cierra's heart beat so intensely that she wasn't certain she'd be able to hear anything else. The sound only increased as she turned down the hallways, through fluorescent lights and tiled floors, until she finally turned into a doorway and saw Natalie.

She looked so still and quiet in a way that Cierra had never seen. She glanced up and saw Cierra was there, and readjusted herself so she was sitting up a bit more. But she didn't say a word.

Already Cierra wanted to cry. God. This was Natalie. Alive, yes, but quiet and sunken in and empty.

"Hey, Natalie. Can I come in?"

No words, just a nod.

"How are you?"

"As fine as I can be," Natalie said. "I'm here. I can't do anything, and I don't want to do anything. But I could be worse."

"Well, I'm glad you're not...rock bottom," Cierra said. "Do you want to talk about anything?"

Natalie's eyes wandered to the side, and Cierra watched as her chest rose and fell, rose and fell, breathing and breathing and breathing.

"I guess so," she finally said. "I'm not sure why you'd want to talk to me right now but that doesn't matter. I guess it would be good to talk."

"Okay. Okay."

This girl, who Cierra had always admired (and often envied) for her love of life and her boundless joy, now sounded so much like the thoughts that always plagued Cierra's mind. God, it was awful. But Natalie needed a pair of ears to listen...

"I don't want to go back to Moscoe anymore," Natalie sighed. "I don't...I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone or feel their eyes judging me..."

Cierra wondered for a moment if this revealed Natalie's inner thoughts, that she didn't want to talk to Cierra at all.

"I can't say I blame you. But I think it'll all be okay, in time."

"Time? What time? I'm going to thrown right back in with people telling me every mistake I ever made and I'm not going to have time to myself to think or forget or forgive."

"Natalie, it's pretty much winter break already. The semester is nearly over, and you won't have to see anyone once exams are through. You'll have time. Time to think, time to heal."

"But how much time am I going to need?" Natalie said. "Because if I'm healing at the rate that I have been then it's not going to be done in the next few weeks or months. I don't think...I don't think it will ever..."

"It will."

Natalie's eyes wandering around the room until they finally came back around and rested on Cierra's own eyes.

"Are you sure?" Natalie asked. And Cierra realized very quickly that she wasn't sure, that she couldn't prove any of what she was saying.

"No. No, I'm not sure. But people are resilient. And..."

There was nothing else that she could say.

"Thank you for being honest," Natalie sighed. "No one else understands. Everyone else lies to me, but you..."

Oh. Cierra's heart ached.

"It's going to hurt," Cierra said, giving a slight nod. "It's going to hurt and I don't think there's any way to stop that. I'm sorry."

Natalie nodded in response, her cloudlike hair bouncing along. But her face was far from light.

"I want to scream. I want to scream so badly, and I feel like if I screamed I might feel better, but...but they don't let you scream around here, so I'm stuck in my own thoughts and I...I feel like I'm always screaming but I never do. I can't."

"I...I understand."

Natalie's eyes flicked up to Cierra's for a moment, and they seemed to say, "No, you can't understand my feelings, no matter how hard you try." She wanted sympathy and empathy but then didn't know how to handle it now that she was receiving it. Cierra felt her stomach drop. God. God, she was doing awful. She wanted to help Natalie, wanted to give her support and instead she was just making all the wrong decisions. But as much as she would flounder inside of her own thoughts, Natalie would move on to what she was thinking and Cierra would just have to follow.

"Have you talked to Andrew at all?"

"Uh, well-"

"What did he say?" Natalie said, recognizing that Cierra's hesitation was a "yes."

"Well, he...he's very confused right now. He doesn't know what to think, and..."

"Does he hate me?" she said, her voice falling to a hush.

"No! No..."

"I wouldn't blame him if he did," Natalie said, giving a small sniffle. "But, even still...do you think he'll...do you think he'll forgive me?"

Cierra blinked several times, desperately trying to buy time and find a response.

"He...he was...well, he's kind of in shock, we all were...and I think that he's going to struggle with..."

"No, I know he's not going to take me back. No, no...I just feel so horrible about everything and I don't want to think that I ruined his life even though I did. I don't want him to hate me..."

"I think he needs time," Cierra said. "I think we all need time."

"Oh, that's what you keep saying!" Natalie sighed. "I don't know. I don't want to wait to feel okay."

"No, no, that's perfectly understandable."

Cierra avoided saying that she understood. She clearly didn't. But she wanted to try.

"I, uh...I was wondering something. Did you actually love Adam?"

The question seemed to choke Natalie, as she took in several heaving breaths before managing to form a response.

"I...I don't know. I don't know," she said, her voice cracking. "I don't know if...he...I..." Unable to stop her emotions, Natalie began to cry, a needed release of so much that had been kept inside. Tears then appeared in Cierra's eyes, mirroring Natalie's. She tried to blink them away, hoped that she would be able to keep her composure. She was supposed to be angry at Natalie, for Andrew's sake. But she also adored Natalie, and didn't want to see her suffer.

"I don't know what I feel," Natalie whimpered. "None of my feelings, none of them, make any sense anymore. But I just keep...I just keep feeling..."

Cierra couldn't keep the tears from trickling down, down, down, against her gradually reddening cheeks. Though it was as sudden as lightning, one fact now seemed clear to Cierra.

She was in love with Natalie.

It was clear that she could not bear to see Natalie suffering, not Natalie, the extraordinarily kind and beautiful and quivering and wandering Natalie. And it was just as clear, even when her eyes were blurred by tears, that Cierra had to do whatever was in her power to ease Natalie's suffering. If it was the only way she could ever express her love, it would be enough. But she had to do something.

"Listen, I...I want you to know that I am always here for you. Now, and whenever you need me. I want you to consider me a friend-"

"I do."

"-oh. Oh, yes. But I've been keeping myself locked away in my apartment and that's not fair. I want to make it clear my door is always open for you."

Natalie seemed only vaguely comforted by these words, as if she had absorbed half of them and then let the rest pass her by. Tears continued to trickle down her face, eyes filled with a subdued kind of pain. But, almost as if in spite of this, she spoke.

"You can't talk to me like that."

"What? What do you mean?"

"You...you can't talk to me like you're the one who's done something wrong, when all I've done is ruin everything for everyone. I don't deserve to hear you say such nice things to me, when all I've done is..."

"Stop," Cierra said, because hearing this kind of talk hurt her. "Please stop."

"I don't know if I can," Natalie said. "I don't have anything else in my head. I'm not...I'm ended. I'm over, and I'm not worth anything. Not after the horrible things I've done."

Cierra wanted to scream out about how wrong Natalie was about herself. She wanted to shout and cry until Natalie understood. But that wouldn't work. She didn't know what could.

Maybe...maybe.

The words started tumbling from Cierra's mouth the moment that they came into her head.

"If I wasn't me, but truly the most brilliant person you've ever met, I might feel worthy of you. Because you are the kindest and most luminous and beautiful person I know, and the way you see the world is something I can only dream of achieving...and if...if things were different, I'd ask...I'd ask for your love. Because you're...and...and this doesn't change anything. You're still you. And that's all I could ever ask for."

Cierra was terrified to look up and meet Natalie's eyes, terrified of the fear or hatred or disgust she might see. But, biting back her fears, she did glance up.

Natalie was weeping. It was pure emotion, gratitude that she could not keep welled up inside of her. Her mind spun with all of the things she wanted to say, but none of them seemed quite right. Besides, even if she could find the right words she wouldn't be able to say them because she was crying too hard. And maybe, she thought, those tears were the only thing she needed to say.

Cierra, the tips of her lips curled up, gave a small nod toward Natalie, unsure how she could end this moment but knowing that, unfortunately, she had to. She started turning away, moving towards the door, wishing that she could find an excuse to stay but not wanting to intrude on Natalie's healing. But she was stopped after only a few steps.

"No, no, don't leave," Natalie managed to cry out between her tears. "Not yet."

Cierra turned back around, unsure of what she was supposed to do now that Natalie had called her back.

Natalie knew that there was indeed something she had to say, something that had to be said aloud. Her hands raised in a gesture to beckon Cierra over, and so Cierra slowly and awkwardly made her way over. The beckoning continued until Cierra was standing right beside her hospital bed, when Natalie extended her hand and took hold of Cierra's. She clasped on Cierra's hand so tightly that they both felt there might never be a way to let go, and neither of them minded it.

"Thank you," Natalie repeated, almost reverently. "Thank you."

Cierra couldn't speak, but she knew she didn't need to. Natalie gave her hand one last squeeze and then let go, her wordless goodbye. For the moment, at least, there was nothing else for them to say, and Cierra could turn away and leave knowing that she had helped, somehow.

Cierra looked back at Natalie one last time before she left. In spite of her tears, or maybe in tandem with them, Natalie was smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have nothing to say except i'm the world's biggest mess when it comes to updating things and i apologize. this weekend the finale (and the epilogue) will be up! enjoy this beautiful beautiful little moment for now.


	24. the great comet

Leaving the room, Cierra felt changed. To put it simply, she felt good. It was feeling that her soul was lifting and her body, unfortunately, was stuck down by gravity. But even that couldn't ruin her mood.

She didn't question the idea that she was happy in a hospital, happy after seeing someone who was still suffering. Perhaps it was because she saw someone who was healing, and knew that she was able to help her heal if only for that evening.

Natalie was healing, yes, She was truly feeling better, and Cierra had created something that would be sustained and live on and grow. There was a connection, something that hadn't developed during their years of knowing one another but was sparked into existence in an instance. To think it had happened because of words that Cierra was terrified to say. Those terrifying words had changed two lives that evening.

Natalie had smiled. Natalie, who seemed like she might never smile again, had smiled because of Cierra.

Her eyes had glittered, with the reflection of the teardrops that were coming out because of gratitude rather than the pain she had gotten used to. It was one of the most beautiful things Cierra had ever seen, really.

Cierra knew she was almost out of her hospital, that her time drifting through liminal spaces with only her thoughts carrying her was almost over. Like she sometimes wished she could stay in the car longer rather than exiting to get to her actual destination, part of her wished that she could extend her time. But she then cast that thought aside.

Yes, yes, it was time to go. As nice as it would be to run back to Natalie's side and stay with her all through the night and the day and talk to her and make her smile and cry, it was time to go. More talking and smiling was for later. Cierra wanted to move.

While still trying to move forward, Cierra started to put on her winter jacket. For a moment she laughed at herself, finding herself so completely shaken by what she had just gone through that she couldn't find the sleeves. But soon she was wrapped up completely, ready to face whatever chill was awaiting her outside.

It had snowed, a light dusting of white powder on the ground. But the clouds had cleared from the sky, letting the moonlight cast the winter scene in a glow.

With her eyes already wet with tears, the beauty nearly pushed her into a new bout of crying.

It was the first snow of winter. Yes, she had missed the snow globe vision of the flakes drifting down to the Earth, but Cierra would always gladly trade that for the clear sky stretching above her in all its majesty.

Again, she considered the idea of standing still, just to stare at the unfathomably beautiful world around her. But again, she came to the same conclusion - she wanted to move, wanted to go somewhere. First, she would go across the parking lot, find her way out.

Cierra didn't want to get into her car. She didn't want to go anywhere, really, because she didn't know where she could go. She felt like she was bursting and there was nowhere that could contain this sudden energy.

But she couldn't stay. There was no way she could stay behind and try to cling onto a moment that already passed.

For what seemed like the first time in her life, Cierra was entirely in the present, not worrying about the future or trying to cling to the past. The world felt new and all she could do was exist in it. But the trouble was finding where she could just exist.

She would go home, yes, go back to her apartment and go to sleep. But that seemed wrong, somehow. Cierra went back to her apartment and slept every day, and this wasn't a normal day.

Normally, this would make her feel lost. Lost, or stuck. But she felt nothing of the sort. No, she felt so restless, ready to pour her heart out to anyone who would listen. Maybe no one would listen, or there was nowhere to go.

Or maybe, and this seemed the most likely and yet the most pleasing, she wouldn't be able to find the words to pour her heart out. How she felt was indescribable, and it was wonderful, and she wanted to lay down and cry from it.

So perhaps that was what she would do. Lay down somewhere and just let her emotions overtake her and let that catharsis be the most beautiful thing in the world. She might end up laying in the snow and letting her tears stream down to the snow. She couldn't ask for anything more.

There were places to do that outside of her apartment building. Then it seemed she would go home, even if she didn't go inside. It was the best place to go and the best place to think. With this in mind, she got into her car.

With as little of her mind dedicated to the actual act of driving as safely possible, Cierra started her way home. She wanted to keep thinking, keep understanding, keep feeling her way through what seemed to be the most beautiful moment of her life.

If she had given into her fears and hadn't gone to the hospital to see Natalie...surely it was fate that Cierra had gone. Some force of the universe had brought her there and now it was up to her to find where she could go next, now that she had a path.

And what a path. It had always been there but she had needed to shift her own thinking to see it. She spent all of her time trying to shift her thinking to philosophers and thinkers of old, always unable to understand them in the ways she so desperately needed. But she had no want for philosophy when she could drown herself in something so entirely her own.

How much of her life had been spent feeling uncomfortable in her own skin? Always so focused on how others perceived her, always all too aware of being too big for herself and the room. She felt so small inside that it was impossible to fill her own form. Sometimes it just felt like she was stuck in loathing.

But now she wanted to leap out of her skin for a different reason - it couldn't contain her. She was bursting, bursting out because her soul had grown so intensely and quickly but genuinely. These were feelings she didn't know how to write down, feelings she didn't know if she could explain.

There was no reason Cierra could find for why she felt so profoundly affected by this day, but these interactions, but that only made it seem more miraculous. She hadn't expected it. It had just happened. It had just happened, everything had happened so completely and quickly that it all fell together.

This warmed her within, even as the less-than-competent car heater failed to fulfill its own purpose. She could say, simply and purely, she felt good. Or, rather, she felt almost celestial.

Filled with a sense of awe and serendipity, she gazed at the sky to find a comet streaking across the star-speckled sky. Almost immediately, her eyes blurred over with a fresh set of tears. She tried to hold them back as much as possible while driving, but she only barely managed to hold herself together. The one thing that allowed her to do such a thing was the thought that she needed to get home safe in order to appreciate this moment in its entirety.

She still allowed herself to think. And it was so good to think without the gnawing and the disillusionment and the anger and the disgust.

The answer hadn't been in the stars, not the answers to whatever questions Cierra was trying to ask. But there was a response, this comet, that showed that Cierra had found the answers herself and universe had understood.

The answer wasn't the stars or what they could tell her. It was Natalie. It was Natalie who she had needed. Natalie had been there the whole time and she hadn't realized.

And it wasn't that Cierra needed Natalie to shower her in adoration. No. It was that Cierra needed to find someone who she could try to understand, that she wanted so much to make as happy as possible.

There had never been anyone in her life like that. There had been friends, there had been people who were near her but never close, not like this. Maybe it was because of the distance they had from one another much of the time, distance that was sometimes closed by moments of understanding. Or, in this case, closed completely by a meeting of their souls.

God. What had they said to one another? What had she said, and what had Natalie said, to make her feel like something inside had shifted so dramatically? And how had Natalie understood what she was saying, beyond the stutters and the apparent words, to what Cierra's heart was so desperate to say?

To open her mouth and speak so freely about her feelings felt like she was opening up her soul for Natalie to see. That was a terrifying notion, with the idea that Natalie would reject whatever she saw and turn away.

But she hadn't. No, Natalie had wept and smiled. She had grasped onto Cierra's hand, trying to say thanks with every cell in her body. So Cierra had heard it. So Cierra had felt it, because if it was something from so deep within that she couldn't even say it out loud then it was something that was felt and could only be felt.

All of that suffering that they had been through wouldn't fade away, but it was a reminder that without it none of this would've happened. That didn't mean she could forgive the horrible things, not at all, but she could understand why they had happened, that perhaps they weren't entirely senseless.

In the midst of swirling thoughts, the time of her travel home had escaped Cierra. But she found herself home, found herself safe enough to sit in her car that was gradually losing heat and look up at the night sky through a window.

She hoped Natalie had a window where she could look outside. She hoped Natalie could see this comet too, see this comet and understand some fraction of the feelings coursing through Cierra. Either Natalie or no one. No one else could possibly understand.

If Natalie wasn't already looking, if she couldn't already see this and feel something, then Cierra willed her to do so. She had no way of knowing if her thoughts would come true, but she hoped so entirely that it felt it must be so.

Cierra left her car, approaching the building with hands in her pockets. She decided then and there that she would not go inside, even if the cold evening air bit at her exposed skin. Rather than going inside, she would just stay outside and let the cold keep her awake and remind her how alive she felt. She could pause and think without worry of driving or doing anything other than existing.

So she existed. She let herself be.

And all the while the comet streamed across the sky, commemorating a moment that might've seemed so small any other time. So far away, and yet closer to the earth than it had been in years. That had to make it fate.

If not for her need to look up, look up and see, see and understand, Cierra would've closed her eyes if only to make it that bit more reverent. Nothing had ever felt so spiritual in her life.

She stood in the snow peacefully, knowing she had been baptized and reborn and recreated. The tears kept streaming but they just served as a reminder that she was alive, more than alive, living like she hadn't been able to before.

Finally, it seemed, she had woken up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i forgot to post again. please forgive me. more notes in the epilogue (!).


	25. epilogue

Cierra made a point of fighting the snowy elements to spend time with Natalie over winter break, whenever Natalie wanted. Or rather, whenever she got a text from Sofia claiming that Natalie wanted to see her. Cierra hesitated every time, but whenever she arrived at their front door Natalie was warm and open enough to put her at ease that she was, indeed, welcome.

She never talked about her feelings, though. Natalie didn't bring it up, as if she had forgotten about it. As if she hadn't realized that asking for Natalie's love meant that Cierra really wanted her love. She treated Cierra's awkwardness around her as if it were no different than her regular awkwardness. It seemed that she treated most things with a kind of indifference, something rather jarring from someone who used to burst with enthusiasm.

In spite of that, Cierra treasured every moment she spent with Natalie. It didn't matter if she felt awkward, because her feelings only grew in proximity. They could talk about things - about how Cierra and Elena finally broke up, about Natalie's favorite ukulele, about doing something with their lives. Cierra's moments of confusion dulled next to the lucid moments where their conversations would roll and Natalie would laugh. In those moments, she would seem like she was gleaming, and Cierra's mind would leap to the night of snow and stars and a comet, blazing across the sky.

One night after a particularly lucid day with Natalie, Cierra got a paragraph of a text from Sofia explaining what happened when she wasn't around.

Natalie was depressed, and didn't seem to want to do anything that ever gave her joy. The whole family was devoted to her and her happiness, but nothing ever brought her to a lasting smile. Except Cierra. So Sofia took it upon herself to get Cierra to their home as much as possible.

This text, meant to be a thank you of sorts, made Cierra feel more self-conscious than she had been before. She decided that night that she could no longer go and see Natalie, couldn't lead herself to thinking maybe, just maybe Natalie felt something in return. She left Sofia's text unanswered, and kept herself away.

She regretted this decision to an extent. She knew keeping herself away form Natalie was no way to make Natalie feel comfortable with her, and that it meant isolation and distance. But when was isolation and distance new? In spite of herself, she felt like staying so near to Natalie and thinking of being in love was wrong. She felt like she wasn't allowed to think those kind of things about Natalie, small and young and sweet. And maybe it was better for her to fall in love with an idea of Natalie, something even more unobtainable than the girl herself.

One night, while trying to convince herself that this was the right thing to do, that she should keep her distance from Natalie and only have the occasional wave or small talk, Cierra heard a knock at her door. Somewhat upset at the sound for ripping her out of her thoughts, she walked over to open the door.

And Natalie, gently shaking as if cold, holding a pint of ice cream in each hand, was standing there.

"Natalie! What are...are you doing here?"

"Er...well, as we're both single now and reeling after break ups, I brought ice cream, thought that might be good for the two of us now. And we could watch a movie or something together, if you would be interested in something like that."

Cierra looked at Natalie, whose face seemed to be melting into a sort of confusion and despair. It took her another moment to realize that the reason Natalie's face was contorting in such a way was because she was staring and not responding.

"Oh. Yes. Yes, I'd love that. Thank you so much for thinking of me and coming over. And for the ice cream."

"Of course! Of course," Natalie gushed, stepping into the house. "I mean, I did think it might be a little weird to bring ice cream in the middle of winter, but it's such a breakup staple that it seemed like a real tragedy not to bring any along with me."

"Yes, I agree. Yes, I agree completely," Cierra said, ashamed of almost every word that came from her mouth. She nodded as Natalie handed her one of the pints, and then remembered that she needed to go get spoons.

"You can...you can go sit down over on the sofa. I'll be over in a moment. With spoons. Er...what movie do you want to watch?"

"I thought that maybe we could watch Groundhog Day, because you told me that one time about the absurd hero and Sisyphus..."

"Oh, yes, of course. You have a good memory," Cierra said, immediately chastising herself for what she thought sounded like a stupid kind of compliment.

"I try," Natalie said, releasing a soft laugh. "What can I say? I love memories, so I better be good at keeping them."

Cierra glanced over at Natalie and couldn't resist her lips curling into a soft smile. She made sure to get the spoons quickly so that she could go and sit beside her as soon as possible. Every movement was meant to be calculated and quick.

Since that day at the hospital, Cierra had never been able to look at Natalie's face fully, as every time she tried a strange feeling of shame rose up in her. But now, looking at Natalie's face, it became clear to Cierra that Natalie had lost something. The childlike love of life that lit up her eyes seemed to have vanished, leaving behind only a candlelit tint. All of this seemed rather sad to Cierra, and quickly she felt the shame from before setting upon her.

Trying to distract herself from these uncomfortable feelings, she turned on the TV and began the process of finding a place to stream Groundhog Day. Natalie was more or less silent, which only served to make Cierra feel more crowded by her own thoughts. The only thing that gave her any sort of a break was the sound of the movie beginning. Anything was better than her own mind.

But soon she was distracted by a new sound.

"Should we turn off the lights?"

"What?"

"It's not a real movie night if you don't turn the lights off," Natalie replied, her lips parting just enough to reveal the first shades of a smile.

"Oh. Oh, of course."

Barely beginning to get comfortable on the sofa, Cierra got back up again to fulfill Natalie's request. She was right, of course. Cierra couldn't think straight without Natalie doing it for her.

When she sat back down again, Natalie shifted and smiled a bit, but didn't speak. For a few minutes, there was nothing but the various sounds and sights of Groundhog Day. It wasn't everything Cierra could wish for, but with Natalie beside her it was more than enough.

Then Cierra felt the weight of Natalie's head now perched on her shoulder, cushioned by her halo of hair. This was met with a sob rising up in her chest that she had to choke back. This was torture. Natalie didn't know it, couldn't know it, but it was torture.

Natalie was curled up against her. She seemed so small, so peaceful. The only movement she made was to scoop up another spoonful of ice cream. Cierra, on the hand, was frozen, and she needed to find some excuse to move.

"I have to go to the bathroom," she mumbled, shifting herself out from underneath Natalie's head.

"Oh. Okay."

Immediately she regretted this excuse. She didn't have to go to the bathroom, but now she had to walk into another room and wait and flush and turn on the sink. So she did it, carefully calculating and loathing every action. When she came back, she found Natalie staring at her, rather than the movie, a question perched on her tongue. The moment Cierra sat down, Natalie launched into speech.

"Why did you stop coming to see me?" she asked. "I mean, for a while there you were coming pretty much every day at the same time, and then you just stopped with no explanation. Why did you stop?"

"Because I love you," Cierra longed to say.

But instead she paused for a moment and tried to think about some sort of explanation that would make her look decent. She couldn't think of a thing.

"I don't know, really," she ended up saying. "I just...it just didn't seem right."

"Coming to see me didn't feel right?" Natalie echoed. She kept her voice as even as possible, but Cierra noticed the hint of disappointment in it. "I mean. You just always showed up at the door, and that meant that hearing the doorbell made me so happy. And you always seemed to be there just when you needed to be."

"Well...as a matter of fact..."

"What, what is it? Why do you sound like you feel guilty?"

"Well, Sofia..."

"Sofia told you to stop coming to see me? Why would she do something like that?"

"No, no, no!" Cierra burst out. She couldn't risk getting Sofia in trouble, not Sofia, who had nothing but good intentions. "No, Sofia was texting me and telling me to come. And telling me that you wanted to see me. And so I would come."

"But she didn't tell you to stop?"

"No, she didn't tell me to stop."

"So why did you stop?" Natalie said, repeating her question from before.

"I don't know. I wish I hadn't."

Natalie gave a small "hm" in response to this and then fixed her gaze towards the television. Cierra couldn't help but feel like she was being tested, like Natalie's questions were really a quiz that she needed to pass.

After a few moments of processing, Natalie's lips parted and she began speaking again.

"I've done a lot of thinking over the past weeks, because I don't really feel like anything can interest me until I figure out some fraction of what's floating around my head. Um."

She seemed to choke a bit on her words, even though she had planned them before she started to talk.

"Andrew and I finally talked and we're doing okay again," Natalie began.

Cierra felt her heart seize. Of course. Of course this wouldn't change anything, they loved each other too much, and now with Natalie beside her, Natalie whose head had been on her shoulder, she would get the death knell knowing that Natalie and Andrew would end up together again.

"We're doing okay again and it's going to be hard, but we're going to try and be friends and talk and understand each other. But we brought up if we wanted to be in a relationship ever again and I told him no. Because...I didn't tell him this, not yet, but...oh, God."

She stopped because her voice was cracking and tears were flooding her eyes.

"God, I really didn't want to cry but I guess that's just how this is going. I'm fine," she said, noticing Cierra's almost involuntary concern. "I'm fine, just emotional, but that's nothing new."

"Because I've realized that I don't feel the way about guys that I thought I did, that I convinced myself I was feeling certain ways because I was supposed to. Andrew, Adam, anyone. But really, this whole time I've just been feeling that...that way for real for...for girls."

Before Cierra's heart could drop any further, she said, "More specifically...for you."

Natalie broke into a strange combination of nervous laughter and crying, leaking "oh God's" as much as tears.

"Oh God, oh God, it's already too much to think I'm coming out, but also...oh God, I'm a mess."

She seemed desperate to curl into herself, as if her confession had emptied her and made her cave in. Cierra, frozen with the best kind of shock she could imagine, didn't know what she could say or do in those moments. But she would try. For Natalie.

"Natalie...Natalie, you do know that I'm in love with you?" she finally said, taking Natalie by her arms and gently pushing her back to a sitting position.

Natalie, trying to speak while also regulating her breathing, said, "Well, I thought so, but I wasn't sure, I didn't know, and I couldn't...oh God!"

And suddenly she couldn't stop smiling, even amongst her hyperventilation and her tears.

"Kiss me?" she asked, as if those were the only two words she was fully in control of in that moment.

"Of course," Cierra replied.

And she was warm and soft and right and good and so simple and pure that even though Cierra felt more celestial than ever she could never explain this feeling with any essay or musing.

When they parted, Natalie was shining.

"I don't know if I can remember the last time I felt this happy," she said. "So this is...we are...this is a thing now, isn't it?"

"Of course," Cierra said. "I mean. If you want it to be."

"Oh, God, of course I do!" Natalie exclaimed. "I mean, that's more or less essentially the reason I'm here, I guess. And now..."

"Do you have...do you have a set time that you need to go back home?"

"No. No, I don't ever want to leave."

Cierra's already smiling lips curled up further.

"Well, we might as well pause the movie, we're not paying much attention to it at the moment," Cierra said. "I think...I think we should pull on our coats, go outside, and stargaze."

"I think that sounds incredible."

And so the two girls stumbled outside into the snow, laughing and holding hands and glowing. Cierra pulled Natalie to the ground so that they were sitting side by side, and then laid down. Natalie quickly mirrored her.

"Are we making angels?" Natalie said.

"Not necessarily. We can, if you want to, but the main idea is to...well, to look up.

"We can do both," Natalie suggested. "I think we should do both. Angels and stars and the moon and the moonlight."

And so she began waving her arms and legs, pushing the snow into that strange and wonderful shape usually made by children, and she looked so joyful that Cierra couldn't help but join in with the festivities.

"You know, I always thought that we were angels. Back before we were us. Which sounds stupid to say out loud, but...I don't know. Our souls came from somewhere, maybe from stardust, maybe from angels..."

"Maybe from angels made of stardust?"

"Exactly." Natalie emitted a laugh of glee that Cierra had understood her so fully. "Now. Tell me about the stars. And the planets, if there are any in the sky right now."

Cierra gladly obliged. She took Natalie's pointing finger and made gentle adjustments, traced the lines of constellations, and ignored the chill of snow in her hair. As she descrescendoed, finishing up the night's information, Natalie grew in with her response.

"Do you ever feel so happy in a moment that it makes you sad that that moment will be over? And it's so bittersweet but makes you love that moment even more?"

"Yes. Yes, of course."

"But then we can remember. And remember, and remember, and remember, and everything seems so differently sweet."

"I love the way your mind works," Cierra said, looking over at Natalie.

"And yet you're the one who's a philosophy major," Natalie replied, giving a slight laugh to punctuate her response.

For a while longer, the two lay in near silence, listening to the other's breath and loving the other's presence. For Cierra, it seemed so silly to think earlier that night she had been so terrified to be beside Natalie. Now it seemed like the most natural and serene thing in the world, now that she knew Natalie wanted to be beside her. And Natalie, who had fretted so much over the idea of coming out, felt that she could open her soul and it would be right and free.

But, most of all, they felt alive. Something blossomed when they shared their hearts with another, something that melted away everything and everyone else and left behind a new life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU GUYS IT'S FINISHED I DIDN'T KEEP UP WITH MY UPDATE SCHEDULE BUT I FINISHED!  
> anyway...it's kind of poetic that it ended now. i'm currently at about the same time frame as natalie in the story: in the middle of winter break after the first semester of college. as for a healthy and fulfilling romantic relationship...that's another issue.   
> but i want to say thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this story, more thanks to those who took another moment of their busy life to hit the kudos button, and even more to those who left their thoughts as comments and shared this story with the world.   
> though i'm in a very different place in my life from where i was when this story began, i'm glad that people have cared enough to continue reading even with my awfully spotty (and unnecessarily so) update schedule.   
> don't expect any great comet or other theatre fic any time soon, as that spark has kind of gone away. you're more likely to see me write a script of some design. but if you're a star wars fan...well, the username thebinarysunset may become your best friend.  
> thank you all.


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